People keep having sex in my hedge...

[eurgh]

I guess it's more of a WWYD as I know I'm NBU but every few nights people (I assume the same two) keep having sex in the hedge which divides my back garden from the road behind. It's pretty brazen because there's no real cover to hide under!
Every few nights I'll be out sitting with my new rescue dog and letting her potter about and I'll hear my hedge making groany sex noises. I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something but for some reason I just keep quiet and feel weird listening to other people's sex noises!
So I guess more for fun, I ask you, what would you do?

Door bell, playlist AND a hose? Damn you mean business!

this is the funniest thread i have read for a long time but can people please stop posting for a while i need to get some work done . . . . . . .

Ok just one more page . . . . . . . . . . .

I think chilli powder very liberally dusted on the hedge , hose pipe / bucket of water would do the trick .
I love the thought of David Bellamy type narration,
" and here we have two rare bush dwellers attempting to procreate , but this is notoriously hard for them as the male of the species is often poorly endowed . . . . . . . ah yes i can see this one has the same problem . . . . "

I’d dig out some colanders and store a couple of pounds of glitter in them ... top of the hedge ... not a problem til they start jiggling a la privet percussion. No denying it was them either ! Another suggestion for the playlist is Lenny Henry’s Bellamy Rap.

If you want my opinion, every hedge should have plenty of wind chimes.

Haven't read all the thread so this may have been suggested, but can you record them and the next time play it back at an appropriate moment?

WTF? Glow in the dark condoms? Is that in case you can't find it to put on?
^^
In case there's more than 1, I guess.

This almost made me get I trouble at work! subtle laughing is not my strong suit this thread is the best! i was going to mention the sensor gnomes!

You need movement activated sprinklers for your garden!

As well as solar lights around the outside of your hedge!

Even better would me a motion activated flood light!

You could also put up signs saying that you have cctv- actually having cctv would be even better- although unfortunately I remember reading that you need to have any cctv pointing towards your own property.

Go to a garden centre and buy a packet of their smelliest fertiliser. Chicken manure for example, put it on their side of the hedge and water it with a watering can full of warm water. That'll soon put them off.

Hose, dog poo booby-traps or get one of those party horns and start blowing it when you hear them start with a round of applause

Get a selfie stick and a GoPro. When they start up again poke it over the top and film them.

Vuvuzela was made for this.

Plant a bit of holly in it. That should deter them

I haven't read the full thread but a few years ago our neighbour accused DH and I of noisy outdoor sex. She chose to come round and loudly confront me about this in front of all my friends at a mums and baby meet up in my sitting room.
I was mortified.
Friends were like "You go girl"
Turned out it was badgers.
Maybe you could leave them some cat food out OP and if it gets eaten up then you can suspect wildlife!

Booby traps [sniggers childishly]

I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky...

Lucky lucky lucky in shrubs.

@Serin you should read the thread...
Along with the foxes and hedgehogs, I've never known a badger to request a finger in the bum 😂

Phenomenal effort on the suggestions everyone...if their previous form is anything to go by I imagine they might appear later as it's been a couple of nights and they don't seem to be able to go longer than that without visiting the sex hedge

I read this out to my husband, and he suggests getting a cheap blue tooth speaker and connect it to a recording saying "Hee hee hee hee, I'm watching you!"

You do know I’m planning my evening around hedgeshaggers!

I'd like to request a picture of the other side of the hedge....is there a flat spot? A hole? Are they IN the hedge or just next to it??

@YarnObsessor aren't we all...!

@Kithulu it's actually a bit of a trek to the other side as I'd have to walk a few streets to get to the street behind my hedge (bit of a rabbit warren) basically though, there's a small patch of grass and a parking area for people who live on the street over the hedge - over he road is the block of flats and some houses. My whole boundary is high hedges and trees so I don't think the shaggers actually know my house and garden is right there

Put the sprinkler on so its soaking wet