People keep having sex in my hedge...

[eurgh]

I guess it's more of a WWYD as I know I'm NBU but every few nights people (I assume the same two) keep having sex in the hedge which divides my back garden from the road behind. It's pretty brazen because there's no real cover to hide under!
Every few nights I'll be out sitting with my new rescue dog and letting her potter about and I'll hear my hedge making groany sex noises. I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something but for some reason I just keep quiet and feel weird listening to other people's sex noises!
So I guess more for fun, I ask you, what would you do?

My hedge is a young hedge. Just five years old. It takes years to grow a proper beech hedge. I really don't want it corrupted at such a young age. It's doing pretty well. To date all I have had to worry about is slugs, not shaggers.

(although possibly the slugs were shagging, I don't know)

Is there such a thing as shagger-pellets?

Are you my FIL? If not you share a sense of humour

That didn't sound good! But no, I'm most certainly not!

TornFromTheInside I remember you from another thread. You are very, very funny. Are you Tim Vine IRL???

I'm afraid my favourite suggestion was Cutyourshakehole because it's just so mundane and ENGLISH

just sit down on your side of the hedge. Get yourself comfy and start talking to them about the weather. “Lovely night isn’t it”

This made me cackle!

It's just the thought that there they are, doing their finest. Wondering which finger to insert in which orifice to really make the magic happen and someone asks them if they think it'll rain next Thursday!

Brilliant!!!!!

I’d probably be taking dog out for a late walk, doesn’t cope well with the heat in the middle of the day you know ... maybe a new route that goes round the back of the houses near the parking area ... if you meet anyone whilst out, you obviously have a nice chat & maybe “new to the area, just wondered if there was a shortcut this way through to my house over there ... guess not, come on pooch, looks like we’ve got to go round the other way after all” ... or maybe you could “meet” them on their way back to the flats ...

You do realise you are basically dogging in your own garden?

Please put a walker talkie in the hedge and make it talk back to them

Too many grins for this thread

A groaning hedge

Wait...
if they are having sex in your hedge...

Does that make you a F*cks Hunter?

Tally Ho!!!!!

You do realise you are basically dogging in your own garden?

@MiddleClassProblem this comment has really affected me. I feel as though I'm now somehow an accomplice...like an enabler. I'm enabling hedge sex in my sex hedge.

I'm hoping you mean because I'm outside with my not-a-dog-dog...

@keepservingthedrinks or mid hedge quiver, “going anywhere nice on your holidays? I’ve heard Blackpool has some lovely hedgerows!”

I don't suppose you've got an electric chainsaw? If you do, please consider turning it on very close to the hedge

OP I think you have a commercial opportunity here

You could develop an APP for the most desirable hedges. Think Tinder for hedges.

I’ve so missed out on hedge sex, it’s always too cold up here and I’m terrified of slugs.

If you're terrified of slugs, then sex on a cold wet night with a man in a hedge isn't going to help... you might struggle to differentiate the two in the dark!

@TornFromTheInside I think you're my favourite MNer

Fire up the BBQ and shout out an invitation for some hot dogging ?

Fire up the BBQ and shout out an invitation for some hot dog

Now that's proper gaslighting.

awww@eurgh (I just wanted to type that as it's strangely poetic)

This is hilarious :D
On a related note, I found a glow in the dark condom wrapper in the park this morning. Imagine if you were going past and all you could see was the odd glimpse of glowing knob :D :D

I don’t understand how this is viable? Surely you would get poked by twigs and it would be uncomfortable. It could have your eye out. I think I would bellow that it is illegal to disturb nesting birds...

Bit off topic but wasn’t there a mms enter in here recently who had taken to shagging her OH in a bush whilst out walking the dog due to an ageing parent.

Made me think of her. She was very entertaining

Profuse apologies if this has already been mentioned upthread!

You need a hose. Buy one!

Poked - by Twigs (sounds like one of those erotic novels at the airport)

How is this viable? - well if have your backside poking out of a hedge in the country, you might well get a seeing to via a bull!

Can you get a friend round and pretend to be the Chuckle Brothers?

'Left a bit, down a bit, up a bit, to me, to you!'

For future episodes, plant some holly or something equally prickly alongside of the hedge.