As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

[oohnarna]

I am ready for your questions!

I will do my best to answer, I have a few bits I am doing at home but will answer regularly throughout the evening as much as I can.

Yeah, I’m not a fan of euphemism around death.

I lost my twin sister in her 30's a few years ago. She collapsed suddenly at home due to an illness and was on life support for 3/4 days before she agreed to it being switched off. When we viewed her in the Chapel of Rest a few days later, her face was literally changing before our eyes every few seconds. Her nose flattened then she started to look like g-force was pulling her face. I wish I had asked the FD about this at the time as they were so lovely and helpful. I'm wondering if being on life support weakened the muscles in her face? Can you think of anything which would cause this effect?

My twin was also an organ donor and briefly mentioned this to the FD in an kind of "do you need to know about this" kinda way and they said yes, it changes how they would handle the body. What would they have meant by that?

When choosing a FD I went with my gut and it was only after I realised how pleased I was that I had chosen a female, family run business as my sister was very private so it meant a lot to me that she was being cared for my women. Are you finding more women in the funeral business?

Thanks Oohnarna for taking the time to answer questions. I think you will bring a lot of peace to posters

Someone above asked about how long a body can be kept in cold storage. A neighbour of ours still hasn't been buried 2 years after she died. The family cannot agree on who will pay for the funeral.

Ashes can be buried - the cemetery are likely to want this recorded officially. However if the FD didn't say anything no one would know.

You are even suppose to get permission from the local authority to scatter ashes.

I suppose my question is, what happens in such circumstances with regards to removal of the remains? Do you have to follow any special procedures?

@derenstar if I may bust in here. My DH is emergency services, in the case of sudden deaths eg suicide or as your mil, undiscovered for some time, the police place the remains into a body bag. The funeral director will then transport.

Can you give any advice about how to choose a Funeral Plan? What sort of points to look out for?
How detailed might a plan be, for instance including hymns or prayers?

Kirstyparker

I am so sorry. That sounds awful.

Thank you for doing this thread, I think death is so taboo that questions go unanswered all the time.

My question is this,

My Mum died during open heart surgery, we took some comfy Pyjamas for her to be cremated in, the FD said they weren't appropriate to be used in her condition and instead they used the silk cover thing in her coffin which was fine but I was wondering if the hospital didn't close her up or didn't close her as they would have for a living patient when the surgery failed? We also donated what we could which wasn't a lot but they did take skin and tissue, was this the reason maybe which is why she couldn't wear pjs that would have exposed the top part of her chest/collar bone or would it have been something else?

Very interesting thread! Very few of us know anything about the funeral process..its not something that people feel comfortable discussing among themselves, except when it becomes necessary. This fact I believe only adds to the stress and fear of the unknown, adding to the pain of loss that relatives feel when a loved one dies. Wouldnt it be better if the whole process of a funeral is made available to anyone on request, by funeral directors, perhaps by arranging a tour every so often, and advertise this in the local press and in funeral parlour windows? By helping to "normalise" the procedure, this should help remove the mystery surrounding the death process, reduce the fear and prepare us for what is a normal part of life. For want of a better description!

That is awful cluedo. I have had this before and liaised with the environment health to get it sorted.

The coffin is likely to be sealed, embalming would help of course.

We do tours and workshops - people find them useful.

When my FIL passed away we were going through funeral arrangements with the funeral directors. We had a pretty clear idea about what was wanted, but I get the feeling the lady we were talking to was a little shocked because things like 'do you want him shaved' and 'what do you want him to wear' were answered with 'it doesn't matter'. Would we be perceived as being uncaring?

Another question- I’m sure the FD talked about my grandfather needing a “liner” under what he was cremated in. (His suit) does that make sense and if so what is it and why?
Are bodies prepared differently for cremation and burial ? Thanks for answering these questions, it’s very helpful

Titselina - the FD should have told you whatever the reason was. It might have been due to PM scars possibly, we would have suggested a scalf or given some other options. Maybe a blanket wrapped round her with pyjamas over the top, so she was still cosy.

Witch dancer - I would hope they would have respected your answers. Some people see the person as 'gone' so it doesn't matter. Memories matter more to them.

I've read a couple of things recently about DIY funerals and people keeping their loved one at home for a few days to help with the grieving process and wanting to have their loved one close until the funeral. Is this something that a normal FD could help with?

Not sure what they meant by 'liner' all the coffins are lined - maybe they meant that?

Martha - yes I have had lots of families take loved ones home.

Thanks bluetrampolines

People have been asking about funerals where there are no relatives. They are organised by the environmental health dept of the council. As a vicar I have taken several of these and will do a full service usually at the graveside only or occasionally they are at the crematorium. Sometimes there are just the funeral directors there to lower the coffin and the council rep, but just occasionally lots of friends turn up. The hardest part is writing a eulogy as often the friends or care home staff know very few life details.

Thanks. That's really good to hear.

@oohnarna, thank you for your time, very interesting and hopefully helpful, to many of us.🌸

I am just eating some dinner. Will be back later. I don't want to miss anyone's questions especially the personal ones. I will come back xx

This thread and the other regarding cremation have been so informative and useful - thank you both for taking the time to openly answer questions and take away the 'taboo' around it. My Nana died 18 months ago, and I visited her with my Mum when she was in the chapel of rest - the FD was a truly lovely gentleman and treated her and us with such compassion and respect.

My Dad died shortly before Christmas, and whilst I chose not to view him in the chapel, I went with Mum when she did. Again the FD was so kind, gentle and respectful, taking so much of the stress out of the situation for us. We chose cremation for Dad and having read the other thread too I feel greatly reassured that it was the right choice and am so grateful for the compassion and kindness of everyone involved.

At times some of the threads and comments here drive me slightly bonkers, but these two threads really do show MN at its best - thank you so much for taking the time to answer questions that we're often too afraid to ask IRL.

Thanks for starting the thread OP.

Can it be very difficult to handle some bodies? Ie is it difficult to dress very frail or very large bodies? I am assuming that's done with a great deal of respect and dignity and that must be a great source of comfort to family.

As a society we don't talk much about death really.