As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

[oohnarna]

I am ready for your questions!

I will do my best to answer, I have a few bits I am doing at home but will answer regularly throughout the evening as much as I can.

I never knew childrens funerals were free, that's quite lovely. On that note how on earth do you deal with those ? I mean emotionally etc

The splash, I can only imagine the deceased was resting at home and was being taken out for his/her funeral. For a person who has just died it is usually a private ambulance or a specially modified estate car.

We have some female pall bearers!

When my son died the funeral home were amazing. Even though the only thing they charged for was the car (I think) They made it possible for us to visit most days over a two and half week period and were so compassionate.

We sent them a thank you card which at the time seemed natural but others thought we were weird for doing.

My two questions are

What is the cut off point for charging?
And is it weird to get a thank you card ?

Weight of coffin can be down to the type of coffin (a solid wood or American style casket for example will be heavier) also a bigger person will ultimately weigh more.

Sometimes we need to have more bearers, so 6 not 4.

How long - sorry for your loss.

It will just be the basics covered. I am surprised they charged for the car, but there is no set rule.

We love getting cards !!! It means so so much. My guys keep them all.

Our miracle - it would become a legal issue - yes.

@OurMiracle1106

I'm a minister, and I once had a funeral where the deceased had left very clear instructions with her solicitor that her family were to have no involvement in the funeral preparations. Some of them did find out about the funeral - from a neighbour, I believe - and were present. The staff at the crematorium were made aware of this, and were prepared to remove family members if they caused any trouble. They asked to speak at the funeral, and were advised that that would not be permitted. One of them did come up to me during the funeral itself, asking to speak, and I refused. They then passed me a piece of paper, asking that I read it out, and I simply put the paper in my pocket and carried on with the funeral in accordance with the wishes of the deceased.

This thread and the other one about cremations have been really helpful, I feel.

I have a few comments to make as someone who conducts funeral services, and meets with families to make the arrangements.

My first comment is that if you wish particular arrangements to be made for your funeral then it would be wise to have that made official, in writing - either with a solicitor or in a funeral plan. Unfortunately, family members sometimes, not often, make funeral arrangements to suit them which are not in accordance with what the deceased would have wanted.

My second comment is prompted by posts on this and the other thread about the timing of funeral services in crematoria and the need to have someone to "MC" a funeral. I am always very conscious of the need to keep within the time allowed by the crematorium, and I am able to do that. If you don't have a celebrant or minister with experience in keeping to the time allowed, then it can be very easy to run over. This is really disrespectful not only to other families whose funeral services will then be delayed and may have to be shortened, and also the crematorium staff who work very hard to ensure that the chapel or sanctuary is tidied and ready for each funeral. In extreme cases funeral directors or crematorium staff have to intervene and insist that a service is concluded. No one wants to have to do that.

And in relation to fees. I'm a Church of Scotland minister, and we don't charge any fees for conducting funeral services. I'm aware that some funeral directors try to charge families for my services. They should not do that for Church of Scotland ministers, and if anyone here experiences that, then please let the minister know. We conduct funeral services for anyone who lives within our parish, regardless of whether they were a church member or not. It will be a religious service, but needn't be overly, and can include poems or other readings that the family choose.

I consider it a real privilege of ministry to be able to conduct funeral services and to be with families at that time.

Oohnarna It was for the car we were in not the coffin and we were happy to pay. They had brought him most days to a local premises and taken him back every day just so we could visit. He was 14 mths old and I always remember wondering how old a son would need to be before they would charge .

No judgement I just always wondered.

How long ago was this? Legally now with cremation there are lots of checks.

I had a client once who answered the question 'do you believe the dealt was unnatural or suspicious' as yes - but then changed her mind.

How long - that makes sense then. We don't charge for 17 and under x

Years not months

Children and suicides are tough. Also drug related deaths - it always feels such a shame.

Thank you x

Are you on call? Say for example would you collect the deceased at night if they died in the night or wait til the next day? Also if a family member wanted to view the deceased out of "office hours" would you open up specially for them? Very interesting thread op, thank you for taking the time to answer all these questions.

Howlongtilbedtime in Church in Wales I believe it is free up to age 18, but could be 21. I'm not at home at the moment so can't check my documents to be absolutely sure.

I'm interested in your comment about only taking directions from one client. My dad was badly disabled and in respite care in a nursing home while my mum took a much needed holiday abroad.
He died the night before my mum was due to travel back to the UK by train. I didn't tell her immediately because she could not have got back any faster and I didn't want her to be really upset all through a long train journey. However the home needed my dad to be collected the next morning.
I knew the FD mum wanted to use and they were really happy to take initial directions from me and then take directions from mum a couple of days later.

I have a question about paying.

I'm my dad's NoK. He has no actual money saved and no property or anything, just a car and a motorbike. He thinks that selling that will be fine to pay for his funeral but obviously that takes time. Would I be expected to pay in the meantime? Or between me and my siblings? I don't have the cash and I wouldn't take out a loan for a funeral either. I mentioned to him about getting a plan as my GPs have done but he thinks it's fine as his bike will be worth enough to cover the funeral (He doesn't know how much they actually are).

A lot of people have asked about the facial expressions of the deceased.

As a very junior doctor in adult medicine, I wrote a lot of death certificates. Unless I happened to have already confirmed the death myself, it is necessary to go to the hospital mortuary to view the deceased, confirm in your own mind that they are the same person you knew on the ward and to check for devices such as pacemaker (as in physically run your hand over their chest to ensure there isn't one as you will be liable if you explode the crematorium).

I saw many patients after death, having known their facial expressions when they were alive, having know the manner in which they died. They usually looked quite different (although obviously reminiscent) of when they were alive, even if very recently deceased. It is commonplace for a deceased person's face to look "hollowed out". Sometimes the mouth is very wide open or gaping. The eyes don't always remain closed. Sometimes they may look as though they are grimacing, or frightened. It doesn't mean that they were feeling this way when they died. People's faces change in the minutes, hours, days or weeks after their death. There is no voluntary control of muscle (for obvious reasons) which can be such a big part of what makes up the character of someone's face. Muscles can become slack, or shrink/contract resulting in a grimace, or a bit of both. If you have seen your loved one's face after death and were disturbed, please rest assured that whatever facial expression they did or did not have, did not reflect their last moments.

Also, some bodies decompose more rapidly than others, even when moved quickly to the hospital mortuary (where they are chilled immediately). There may be very little a funeral director can do about this. I have seen bodies the very next day having been cooled overnight showing signs of decomposition. Sometimes it is related to the mechanism of death (eg any type of bowel perforation or sepsis) and sometimes I couldn't say a specific reason. It could be affected by something as simple as when the last meal was taken maybe? This was sometimes upsetting for me as a doctor having just known a person on the wards, let alone as a friend or relative. It does not feel nice for someone's body to change in that way but it is an inevitable part of death. I suppose the comfort is to remember it doesn't affect the person who has died.

Are the wedding rings left on the deceased OP please? l have recently lost 3 female loved ones and l chose to leave their wedding rings on them . l have heard awful tales about them being removed by the undertakers and them profiteering from the rings. I couldn't bear it if it were true but l think there is no smoke without fire, no pun intended, this really has bothered me . Thank you for being so kind to do this

Yes we would open up anytime for a visit. And yes we are on call for those who pass away out of hours. Even Christmas Day.

Educatingarti - this would have been fine because you would have given the FD the okay as the initial client.

I don't think people realise how much hard work goes into funeral directing behind the scenes. Thanks for replying.

Weirdy - the trouble is funerals increase in cost each year so the selling of those things might cover a funeral now but possibly not further down the line.

Paying for the funeral - this depends on the FD, some want money up front, some don't.

I would recommend a funeral plan. There are some good options out there. You can sometimes spread the cost over 10 years to keep the monthly payment low. Then if he passes away before settling you just settle the difference with the plan company at the cost at the time of taking the plan out.