How to be a lovely parent to teenager?

[Mrsfloss]

When dd was younger. I got loads of advice on making her childhood special and magical.

Any tips on doing the same with teen to get her off screens and which won’t result in death stare!

Different stage of parenting and I can’t help pine for the days of carpet picnics, reading storys and pjs on at 6pm!

I encourage them to branch out and try new things because my own Mum relied on me too much emotionally/socially when I was a teen and I resented it.

This is really key.

Looking back I think one thing I did well was not act relentlessly middle aged around them.
And I never expected them to act middle aged.

Half the things parents moan about with teens is that they're not acting like they're fucking 50! And then they wonder why teens get fed up!

They don't need to think about 'their future' 24/7. They don't need to appreciate R4 or a sparkling sink. They don't need a sensible adult voice reigning in every hair brained idea.

Side by side parenting.

In the car, walking.

If you will listen, they will talk. Offer advice gently.

Aunty it really, really is isn't it.

My parents weren't very happy in the last 10 years of their marriage, and probably unconsciously my Mum relied on me for support too much.

So I think one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a parent who loves them but doesn't need them, if that makes sense. I never want my DDs to ever worry about me, or feel guilty that they're not with me etc.

Luckily DH and I are happily married so I don't need to rely on them like my Mum relied on me.

For me...16 and 18.. it’s about respect, communication, united expectations with me and my husband and a big foot in the memory camp of my own teenage years. I don’t judge my own parents but yes...aiming to do better😂

Actually thinking about that last post... it’s so tempting to move away physically when they don’t want a hug or to be held. I only rediscovered hugging my parents relatively recently...75 and 79.. but a quick touch of the arm or a hand squeeze. Well that tells them you love them and most importantly that you are there for them despite the crap that they may be feeling.

Amazing thread! My eldest is 12 so we're just entering this stage and taking notes!

He does say I'm a cool mum, I'm open to his friends being in and feed them all. We have a few things that are just for us. I know it's wrong but for the last 2 years I've let him take a Friday in December off school and we go for hot.chocolate and buy the Christmas tree. I enjoy his company and know way more about games, youtubers and all that than I feel is necessary.

The best advice I had was listen to the small stuff so they come to you with the big stuff because to them it was all big.

Mine has a fiercely independent streak, wants to do and organise everything herself and rolls eyes/gnashes teeth when I remind her about homework or teeth brushing etc. She can also be absolutely lovely and we sit to watch and discuss tv, do baking, see a film at the cinema, go shopping - always happy when there’s the odd treat in store. We do a couple of weekends away together every year, just the 2 of us. Her friends are round often and I do mum’s taxi to activities and dropping her off at friends. We chat in the car a lot. Just normal stuff really. She hates me tonight as she hasn’t done homework set a week ago and I was only prepared to give minimum input. Not so independent really

I know some people feel very sad about their children growing up but I think this is something to be a bit careful about. Our children grow and change and become themselves more over time, and I think that it's a pretty fantastic process to be celebrated. Adjusting parenting to fit developing young adults can be very hard but I do think it's important that teenagers feel that their parents think they are pretty great and not just going through a phase that has to be tolerated.

guestofclanmackenzie. My teens (16 & as good as 14) are rarely seen downstairs as well, so some of these posts do make me a little sad.

I agree with the side by side parenting. Cars/walks are when they are at their most communicative.
We also make a point of all eating together at the table.
I try my hardest to keep up with their interests, however, my 14yo keeps her interests very well hidden. She’s autistic too & doesn’t see the point of talking to me about her interests, because I don’t understand anyway. I have noticed an interest in music recently. Nothing specific, just that she likes listening and it’s one of the few topics that will have her speak.
I have weird teens who shun social media. Ds has an IG account, but only used it for the DM function.
I tried just fun text messages, but they seem to confuse my ds and he just replies with “OK”, no matter what I write!
DH has started taking ds to the gym once a week & he seems to enjoy that 1 2 1 time.
Ds is my gentle giant. Amazing with his 5yo sister too and little too sensitive and so he doesn’t ask his friends around, because that would mean they have to deal with DH & I and that’s just awkward. He doesn’t think we’re terrible, but he doesn’t like interacting with friends’ parents, so he prefers to save his friends from the ordeal

I love chatting to my teens. Love that they're growing up and discovering themselves. They're so interesting and funny!

Tips: I make sure they/we all sit down to dinner together most days. I also hang around at breakfast and catch most of them on their way out. I love it when they chat together (usually when raiding the fridge) and I join in, and I often just go and visit them in their rooms for a chat.

They like baking with me still, cooking and occasional games nights. My 12 year old recently came conkering with me and her younger siblings and that was lovely.

They also like it if I take them out clothes buying and buy lunch too which I try to do occasionally!

I also let them have friends over whenever - we usually have someone sleeping over at a weekend.

My dd1 was telling me about her first boyfriend recently. afterwards she told me "thank you for not being weird mum". High praise indeed!

(not boasting - I have lots of screeching, door slamming, eye rolling moments too!).

I barely see them at night and weekends.. I just presumed it was a teenage thing and accepted it. sad

It really doesn't have to be and you have the power to turn it around.

Start of doing small things eg pizza hut, pub restaurant what ever.

Here is a list of some of the things our teenage boys have done with us ( they are 21 and 18 now) Although it's only a suggestion of things to do and no doubt you will have your own interests that will give you some common ground with your kids.

Go hiking as a family once they became teenagers they would bring a friend. More recently girlfriends come to!

Mountain biking- They are more skilled than us now but never mind!

Occasional cinema.Not so much as a 1:1 or as a family but it still happens, maybe once a month.

In the last 4 years DS1 has been draggging me to the gym!

We go to gigs together sometime. The last one that all 4 of us went to together was about 8 months ago but DS1 and DP went to see The Courtenners not long ago and I went with DS2 to a gig at the Academy in Manchester 2 weeks ago.

Go to Ice hockey matches together, home and away games as well as going abroad to watch the European games.

We don't live in each others pockets and DP and I have our own social life without having pesky kids with us all the time! They have girlfriends and lots of friends but we do seem to enjoy each others company as a family.

(not boasting - I have lots of screeching, door slamming, eye rolling moments too!)
Yeah me too, although thankfully they are getting less!!!
( I should bloody well hope so though as they are officially adults!)

It was a big hit when we got cards against humanity for 16 yo dd last Christmas. She's amazed that her GM won hands down when we all played a game.

She loves mooching round the local shopping centre or even just the supermarket and has always found it much easier to share her feelings if we are just driving around somewhere.

So much good advice and insight on this thread. I'd concur with the advice about welcoming friends, driving (for us - often to a drive through Starbucks or out to a farm shop!) where she really opens up.

What I have learnt to do (or am still learning to do....) is not always to come at an issue in "parent" mode - and remember what its like to be "teenager". We had a clash one weekend when DD wanted to do something that I felt was too scary/dangerous - but I'd lost sight of the fact that she wanted to feel a bit more grown up (it was about collecting a pizza at 11pm in town - so hardly the most risky thing - but in my head I went straight to catastrophe scenarios) - we eventually talked it through - I saw it more from her point of view and vice versa. Then I let her do it... and the world didn't end... I don't think this comes easy to me but I am trying...

dd is 15 and spends most of the time in her room. I know it's part of growing up, but I do miss her sometimes and think back to when she was little and wanted to play with me or snuggle into my bed for a story. We eat dinner together, but then she's usually straight back upstairs.

I try to make sure that when she wants to tell me something (even if it's another tedious story about who has fallen out with who and why) or asks me to French plait her hair then I'll stop what I'm doing and make time for her no matter how knackered or busy I am.

One thing that we've found we can all enjoy together (me, dd and dp) now that she's older is going to see comedians that we like whenever they come to the local theatre.

for those whose kids spend all their time in their room, is that where their TV/x box etc is?

ds is on the x box all the time, but it is downstairs, so we get a lot more communication in passing. If it was upstairs, I would never see him!

Things we do to keep the fun going:
go to gigs together (their choice of music, not mine, unless they coincide)
go to shows together (usually comedies)
go to the cinema together
have family film nights - i make home made pizza and popcorn and they choose a dvd or Netflix
go for walks with a vague goal in mind (there's a pretty walk into the next village that has a shop that sells all kinds of cool teen energy drinks. We walk through the woods and over the hill, buy trashy drinks and walk back.) Or sometimes through other woods up to a cafe for breakfast. They really open up on those walks.
Occasionally they have sleepovers - they don't want them often but when they do, I make sure there's plenty of teen food on tap and make them all a special breakfast - pancakes or bacon butties.
Show interest in what they love and listen if they want to go on about something that's bothering them. Again, not often, but I keep my ears open.
Take them on outings. They are still young and stuff still amazes them. I have a surprise trip to London doing some unusual stuff planned for their next inset day.

And I still 'baby' them sometimes - make them cocoa, chuck a blanket over them while watching TV or give them a hot water bottle/run them a bath if they are feeling under the weather or shattered. They love it in very small doses.

Listen to them - very important . I tell my ds I love him at least once a day . If you give them your time and attention you’ll probably find they are interesting and amusing .

I needed to read this tonight to remember that she’s a good one really (16) and that speaking to me as if I’m room service as I’d not made her tea is small potatoes.

We talk - usually in the car on the way to or from somewhere. We seem to be the sleepover venue of choice but I just buy loads of pizza & Ben & Jerry’s and leave them to it. I will cook pancakes and bacon for Sunday brunch though!

She and DH do Air Cadets together which is great - I get two nights to myself and they get to bond and do stuff together.

I try not to stress the small stuff or go overboard when she does play up. (key word there is try as it can be bloody difficult at times).

And as a PP has said, we let her have he own friends. I was also (& still am) treated as my mum’s emotional crutch and social partner so there is no way in the world I am going to do that to DD - especially as it’s taken me to 48 to break free.

What’s nice now is that she says her friends prefer coming here & that she likes it too. She will be 18 far too soon for my liking but as far as I can see she is growing into a sensible and caring young lady (& I still love our snuggles in bed late at night, putting the world to rights)

To be completely honest, as teenagers they're going to be obsessed with their phones and screens. It might not seem healthy but it's the way technology and this generation is going. I always encourage family time as much as possible (days out to parks/garden centres) and I always insist we eat dinner together. My husband is sometimes late from work but we always get around the table and have food (even if he comes in halfway through!) You can't really stop teens but just show that you respect them and show you think family time is important too and hopefully it'll start rubbing off.

Oh God! I don't think there is any way for a parent to keep a teenager happy! I have 3 teens. I try to always be there for them and listen when they talk about their failed relationships and heartbreak, what is happening without the group in school, exam stress, after school activity nightmares, falling out with best friends, suggesting sleepovers with friends....... Nothing I do or say will win against the constant stream of snapchats, messages and other social network crap that they have a duty to respond to. What's with snapchat 'streaks'? My teens seem to think 'streaks' are the be all and end all - even though they don't particularly like the people they are replying to. teenagers are a different breed....

I must admit I am loving their teen years far more than the baby/toddler years. I love that they are a bit sarcastic and very funny, and that they 'get' irony now. I love that they have opinions and are much more aware of how the world works, and can chat about them (and good God can they chat, is this just a girl thing?).

I do try to not sweat the small stuff as I remember how so self absorbed teens can be, and 99% mistakes and forgetfulness are not malicious. But I don't think I am a very cool Mum either, though they love to raid my wardrobe and like that I don't get shocked or embarrassed easily (have had some very frank chats about boys + sex + contraception which took me by surprise, but I think I kept my cool).

But ultimately I just really, really like them and think they're genuinely nice people and they do know that which I think has given them good self esteem.