How to be a lovely parent to teenager?

[Mrsfloss]

When dd was younger. I got loads of advice on making her childhood special and magical.

Any tips on doing the same with teen to get her off screens and which won’t result in death stare!

Different stage of parenting and I can’t help pine for the days of carpet picnics, reading storys and pjs on at 6pm!

guestofclanmackenzie I know exactly what you mean. We almost never see our teen. Food shovelled down in silence, won't be drawn into conversation, and otherwise in room. Then, occasionally, a very chatty hour or so around 10pm when we're usually shattered and can't muster much interest in internet memes.

This is a lovely thread but I feel we're failing.

I agree with the taking them out for lunch or a coffee (mine never up in time for breakfast ) on their own. They all love a bit of 1:1 time.
Also to drive them where you can - I learned lots in the car listening to them chatting with friends, and if it is just you and them, they will often talk more openly while you aren't looking at each other.
Also with the telling them you love them, even when you don't like the behaviour at the time.
Also the keep going to watch their sport (and again, the driving part comes in there too).
Try to have a shared interest....... ds and I both watch Match of the Day, and even when he was away at University, we'd have a running WhatsApp conversation about whatever was going on in the matches. Doesn't have to be sport, can be Strictly or whatever their 'thing' is, but it's something to have lots of non threatening / non judgemental chats about.
We've always maintained all eating together at the table too, so everyone touches base once a day, even when they are going through that stage of disappearing to their bedrooms for all the time they are in the house.

I also don’t like the ‘I love you but I don’t like you right now because...’, but that’s probably because it was the only time my mother actually said she loved me so it didn’t ring very true. Like it was something she said so she could get away with telling me she didn’t like me. And as a PP said, the last time she said it, it made me realise I didn’t like her either!

But, taking notes from the rest of the lovely thread

guestofclanmackenzie you are not alone. We hardly see our DSs 17 and 14 as they seem to be out of the house or in their rooms. I think it is largely a teen thing and def worse with boys.

We do seem to be the house that has lots of sleepovers and I do give lots of lifts. I would like to spend more time with our teens though they seem less keen.

Am struggling with my 12 yo dd who seems like she doesn’t want to know me unless I’m shelling out for clothes! Lovely thread, thanks for starting it op.

I've realised that the conversations we do have are too often around the dreaded (usually not done) homework, and the hated (usually not done) chores. How depressing. Must try harder.

We got a dog when DD was 16. Her happiest memories are of us walking on our local marshes. She said even if she was in a bad mood, she always came home feeling better.
It's given her an unexpected love of hiking!

Watch mock the week together, it's good for laughing together.

Whatever problem you have , I won't nag you and we can deal with it together. It's worked so far and my teenagers talk to me about all kinds of stuff, some of it that amazed me as there was no way I'd have spoken to my distant, emotionally repressed parents about anything.

Can this be moved out of chat so I can refer back to it when my 7 year old is a teen?

We always eat together, it’s something we never did when I was a child and I feel really passionately about it.
DS and I will cook sometimes, we both enjoy it and it at least has a sense of purpose (rather than the interminable chats about anime or whatever)
We’ve also bowed to pressure about Cards Against Humanity DS is not quite 14 so it’s not a parenting high I’m terribly proud of, but he was very keen and we realised there was nothing to stop him actually reading them while we were out the house We’ve removed a couple of the most shocking ones and have an understanding that he’s not to ask to play it in front of his DGM, but aside from that it’s a means of him willingly spending time with us (particularly if we also have chocolate )

Tap into their world.

I have snapchat and instagram, we have a 'streak' and swap 'memes' and send each other weird photos.

Value their interests (I've spent hours watching boring Xbox games and getting enthusiastic when he 'ranks up')

Or helping DD find the right light for her next 'selfie'

I buy their special treats when shopping, (food is another key interest!) they always appreciate a surprise in the cupboard for them.

I tell them I love them every day, I remind them what I admire about them, I say things like 'I wish I could be more like that'

I try not focus on the self-centredness of teens, I know this will pass. I to respect them and never undermine them. We make decisions together, I never forbid things, guided to make decisions they always make sensible ones.

I can honestly say the teen years have been my favourite of all the stages.

One thing I do is dry her hair for her.

Let her borrow my bags for school

I’m going to try to include friends more and let more people sleep here.

Also thinking of taking a few of them to a theme park for a day out.

This thread is lovely.

Also going to try cooking and baking.

Thanks everyone

Lovely thread, op.

DD (13) gets taken a cuppa every morning by DH, she says she 'can't get out of bed without one' - he's making me one at the same time of course.
She has a say in what we eat, what we watch on TV etc otherwise she'd just watch TV in her room (and although I hate X Factor and The Voice, she loves them so we compromise).

I also ALWAYS feed her friends, to the point that I'll also make a cake or pudding when she has friends for dinner/tea as it makes her happy.

When we are on holiday everyone gets a day trip choice, we were in Austria in the summer and she chose one of those toboggan rides down the side of a mountain, it was fab but not what I'd have chosen.

I'm also very open to sleepovers here, she's an only child and I think she appreciates fellow teen company at weekends etc.

I went to see Thor Ragnarok with her two weeks ago!!

I try not to openly judge or criticise her friends (one in particular can be difficult), I let her moan/rant about them at times and make gentle suggestions as to how she can work things out despite me thinking inside 'you'd be better off without her'.

Oh and I do her nails every Sunday during the Strictly results show. She was a terrible nail biter until a year ago and the incentive to stop was a weekly manicure (just very simple with clear nail varnish). I have bought her a very simple white gold ring for Christmas too (well it's from the cat actually).

Oh and I stopped buying her vests!!

Trying to keep doing things together is a great idea.
Over the next month or so DD17 and I have planned
A Christmas market
A garden centre that does nice Christmas decorations and has a cafe.
Afternoon tea, with DH also
A spa half day
A visit to Chatsworth for the Christmas Dickens style event.
Meeting with my friend and her DD for a drink
Cinema to watch Bad Mom's Christmas
Sunday lunch with whole family and niece and her family
A panto with niece and family
All are afternoon/evening. Not doing the stress of getting her up early that would ruin it all. Still leaves her tons of time hanging out doing nothing much with mates

I think having a pet has really helped DD as she is sort of an “only” because her older brother has severe ASD and does not live at home. Having the cat to love and talk to has really helped her. On the other hand, the hamster has been less successful! 🐹

My DS (16) is in charge of the playlist at a party this weekend. He asked me this morning if I had 'any suggestions'. I feel like we have turned a corner in our relationship!

Idle chat - daily
Movie + pizza night at home - weekly
Watch daft makeup tutorials with them
Try out makeup on each other
They love the Xmas markets . Let them fill up on pancakes and other sweet stuff
Go to the cinema with them
It’s hard to be ‘fun and approachable ‘ and also enforce concrete boundaries at the same time but it’s doable !

Oh and definitely bedtime chat to make sure all is ok

Lovely thread but making me sad!

DS is 16. Won't come to the cinema. Won't come out for coffee or a meal. Won't come out for a walk. Banned us from coming to watch sport years ago although doesn't play much now anyway. Wouldn't do a Xmas market. Or any trip out. Drives me mad. But DH is the same.

However DS and I are going to Dublin to visit my dad when school breaks up and I know he wants to check out Trinity College in Dublin so we will have a day out then.

Might also get DH on board to do a cinema and MacDonalds trip.

Memories of insisting we went into our local town for the switching on if the Xmas lights and Xmas market and they both sulked all the way around.

Need to find more to to watch with him. Currently we watch Graham Norton together but that about it.

On the positive side we have taken a couple of his friends on holiday with us and they all want to do it again next year so we can't be that bad!

Lots of the above really.

Taking an interest in their 'oh so' important rambling abouts games/youtube/memes.
(I still don't understand most of what they are explaining in great detail)

1:1 time very important even if it is just when in the car driving them somewhere.

Shared tv programs, mind don't really watch telly, but they like to watch stuff with us, things like, task master, the apprentice, bake off, robot wars. If one of them is busy when it's scheduled then we all agree a time to watch it on catch up, even if they end up lounging on our bed and watching it, as dh and me have turned in for the night.

AuntyElle ask about music, just start by finding out what they listen to. Once you take and interest and not criticise it. They'll tell more over time, then you can say things like oh that's a remake of .......or whatever.
Ds1 played one of his music play lists in the car the other day. It was great! There was dubstep, nine inch nails, Jonny cash, gorillas, The animals, bricks and mortar, some familiar recent chart songs I don't know the name of, the list was a real mix.

I'm not saying life is a bed of roses, they can still be sulky teens and kick off about stuff, and they spend a lot of time in their rooms or out. But it is nice to see them being human and wanting to talk to us.

We eat together each evening, sometimes they don't have anything to say other times they chew your ear off.