How to be a lovely parent to teenager?

[Mrsfloss]

When dd was younger. I got loads of advice on making her childhood special and magical.

Any tips on doing the same with teen to get her off screens and which won’t result in death stare!

Different stage of parenting and I can’t help pine for the days of carpet picnics, reading storys and pjs on at 6pm!

Mine are now at university but I must say I loved the teen years.

I found them and all their mates funny and energetic and creative. But then I don't mind mess, noise and naval gazing .

When on long car journeys we take in in turns choosing songs, I have learnt to enjoy a lot of their music and they have also developed a taste for some of ours.

My biggest piece of advice would be never be too busy for them.

Mine often decide that 11pm on a weeknight when their dad an I are watching something we have recorded earlier on TV Is the time to come and chat utter crap about their day. I pause the TV and listen to them. Every single time. It's bloody frustrating when you are knackered and just want to relax, but it is so important to make sure they know you are there and you are listening. If you do that for the non important stuff, they will feel much more able to come to you when they NEED you.

make some little traditions.
sunday morning cuppa outside her room.
a coffee and bacon buttie om bed at weekend.
going out for pizza express every month or any meal.
get into the shows she likes.
ice cream Friday or junk night once a week.
cooking together.anything she wants to learn to cook?
get her to help you in something your doing at work if you can.
keep talking lines open at all times.
teens often cant or feel like they cant come to you with things but will suttly set hint-traps we called them where they will say stuff you wont know you should be picking up on becsue they might need to talk.our often talked bout a story theyd seen or a random topic and too foten we didn't have time ormissed the importance of her bringing it up.remember teens don't say anything they don't need to so when they do its important haha.
does she like doing anything.tennis.cooking.reading that you could take her too or join in.
don't try to be cool but don't ever stop beig uncool.they will push the hugs and pull their noses up at ur kissed and hugs right when it means the most to them.
one to one times.

My dd is 17 I send her funny text messages some days yesterday it was from ok to scream how would you like a pusheen Christmas t-shirt reply back was lots of screams but we have the same odd taste in humour

And she stole my coat once I sent her lots of messages she laughed so hard she nearly fell down the stairs at school her friends didn't get it then they met me and apparently we are both mental

I find it easier with DD, but some things I do with DS16 which seem to work are

Lots of hugs (even if he resists!) he often comes and gives me one on his own now.
Commenting on how he is taller and stronger than me.
Asking for help with things that require manly strength
Sharing silly jokes (we have the same sense of humour)
Asking his advice on something
Driving him and his mates to the skatepark after school (producing bags of crisps and energy drinks in the car on the way)...mum you're a 'Leg' (legend)

Things I have not mastered and tend to cause conflict, when I try to offer advice on his love life, or have an opinion (any opinion, good or bad) on his current girlfriend of relationship, or offer any sympathy after a break up....all this just incites anger. This whole area is a no go zone. Although I do comment that I like the way he respects women and values his girlfriend and treats her well.

I feel a tiny bit heartbroken that the childhood days are over....I miss the young baby breath, warm cuddles and easy days to please and delight them. I miss their sticky out tummies, their warm curls and little toys.

I actually almost cried when I saw the delightful toys in GLTC this christmas and realised I will never again by a little kitchen or dolls house...those days for us are drawing to a close.

I have loved every moment of their childhood and now we move on to the next chapter. My dd started her p this week, so quite an eventful and meaningful week in many ways. I don't want to leave the doors of childhood and want it all back. I could howl! But I won't, I will quietly carry on listening, cooking and loving them. Even if my heart seems to break at every next milestone these days as they move away from us slowly.

I WILL learn to like Kiss on the radio, I will not grimace at the endless snapchatting. I will learn to drop everything when she finally opens up and wants to talk, and enjoy shopping trips, coffee shops, pamper nights - fashion, films that do not revolve around disney and most of all I will cherish the new young woman before me ready to fly by herself before long....

Ahhhh little bird 🦅

How do I relax over constant being on phone!

Another thing that has bonded us is having a table tennis table - really!

reading this for advice!

but last weekend ds was stuck on x box and I took him in a bacon sandwich. Then later a hot chocolate, then later some thing else.
(this is not normal, I don't do waiting on bale bodied others)
Each time he looked up and smiled and said - Thanks Mum!

Have filed that one away to use again!

I also make a point of saying how lovely he is in front of others.
We go to church, so standing around drinking coffee afterwards, he will come up to me (to say - can we go home) and I put my arm round his waist and make some daft comment about my lovely boy is SOOO tall! (he is 6 foot). he looks embarrassed and pleased at the same time.

Lovely thread.

Lots of ways to continue to relate to teenagers.

My 19 yo DS loves snuggling up on the sofato watch a movie with me- he makes a pot of tea and we eat chocolate biscuits.
We run together and will often go out for a meal, just the two of us. Last year when DD was 16 we went to Greece, just the two of us, we had a great time.
We love our shopping trips and sneaky McDs breakfasts at weekends.

I love learning how to relate to my teens as adults.

Its very much an "us" thing, but I go out with my dc 1-on-1 when I'm using my wheelchair. Pushing Mum about is, for some reason, something that opens them up. I can't do a lot of things with/for them due to my disability but this seems to work, or we'll get a taxi to a large shopping centre with shop mobility so I get a scooter and we scooter about, chatting the whole time. Usually we manage lunch or coffee, too.

I've made a huge effort to be interested in their interests, so I have a wide ranging pool of knowledge from the most recent football transfer window and the new Star Wars Battlefront 2 game to the most desirable current eye palette and the excitement about going to see Lany in December. I'll admit to a bit of googling while they're at school just to keep up.

Ds and I watch sci-fi films together, he's quite a film buff for a 15 year old, and dd1 (17) and I watch Christmas films every evening in December when we can! Dd2 (almost 14) and I love nature programs so its currently Blue Planet 2. We'll all sit down together for Mock the Week or Live at the Apollo - earlier this year we all went to see Russell Howard live which was a great evening out.

I sometimes feel bad that I can't drive them about, or cook fantastic home-cooked meals every night, or go walking the dog with them, because I'm disabled. The flip side is I'm usually to be found in the same place in the lounge, and there have been a lot of problems solved on Mum's Sofa.

I like my teens being teens - not that I didn't like them when they were little but I like talking to them and having actual two-way conversations and I like their independence. Not looking forward to them being adults and leaving mind you, but I like that they can think for themselves now and have their own views on things.

We're okay in that we still have shared interests and that gives us a point to meet at. We'll go to the cinema as a family (Marvel films ftw), we're all gamers so that works plus we then have things like comic-con to go to, and I think having a few things in common mean that they're still happy to do other kinds of trips because we get along and enjoy each others company. Dh and I (well let's be honest, me) are still the management as it were, but that doesn't mean we can't socialise and enjoy each others company.

Duke of Edinburgh's Awards Scheme.

I find it relatively easy to (mostly) be a lovely parent because my teenagers are (mostly) lovely. 18 and 17 now so half way out of the door, and will miss them very much (although ds being a weekend only visitor is nice too).

Agree with others that making time for them and trying very hard to maintain shared interests is really important. We've always eaten together in the evening and welcomed friends as much as possible. It's been harder to stay connected to ds, as he stopped reading the same books as me and dd and then stopped enjoying family watching of films and shows. We took martial arts classes together which was a lot of fun as he was more advanced than me and so got to help me, which i think was a nice reversal.

We do occasionally row about both stupid and important things, so being good at making up has been important too (dh and dd are less good at this, ds and me tend to blow up and then be fine, the other two incline to sulking).

Littlebird. I have tears rolling down my cheeks, reading your post. My DD is nine and already we're leaving the little girl behind. Heartbreaking.

Pamper sessions at home and doing her hair (if able) i.e curling, deep conditioning etc.

I read a very simple one on here when DS was going through a particularly tricky stage: Always look up and smile when they come home/into the room. Can sometimes be very difficult to do (through gritted teeth!) but has served us well and kept the lines of communicaton open.

Sorry to hijack OP but would you share some of the tips for making a magical childhood? I have a baby DS and already have ideas for things I wish my parents did for me but would love to hear some more.

Be interested in their never ending monologues about uninteresting things!

Ask their opinion! I wanted to move lounge around at weekend (wanted sofa away from radiator and needed space for tree at xmas). I also needed ds help to move furniture.
A direct "help me please" would have gone down like a lead balloon! Instead I did the "I need to move stuff for x reason. I was thinking of this utterly stupid layout I know won't work layout"
Immediately ds was happy to point out how daft that was when sofa could only be moved to a specific place space wise and so he stealthily got involved because "I have to help you mum or we'll end with something totally stupid"
Of course whilst he helped he was chatting quite happily.

But my ds is autistic so managing him takes some extreme out of the box thinking and I don't have the friends coming over points to score!

100% agree with shush about not censoring what you say.

If my ds says "X was such a fucking twat today" I ask "what did he do to earn twat status?!"

He'll open up that way but if I say "language" that becomes what the argument conversation becomes about.

tazmum

I am sorry to make you feel sad, I just feel the loss of little children so keenly. I didn't expect to feel this so early, and just assumed there was an effortless transition.

We will adjust I am sure, and will move into the teen stage with enthusiasm. Will miss my little babies though....we will make great and loving grandparents one day I guess, if we are blessed.

Littlebird. Your post was just so lovely, very though provoking. Time goes so quickly, my DS1 has just started college, DS2 is now at comp and my DD will soon be in her last year of primary. I feel the years speeding past me and I can't slow it down. Thank you for your words x

Our DDs are still in their very early teens and so far we haven't had any teen angst or storms.

I feign an interest in their favourite bloggers and YTs. They're always happy to pick my brains about their English homework. I often linger in their rooms when I'm putting away laundry and that's when chats spontaneously happen - and sometimes not (I'm attuned to the signs they're not feeling chatty).

DD2 loves clothes and is very happy to hit the shops with me (providing I treat her sometimes) and we always squeeze in a lunch (I let her choose where).

DD1 would rather chew her own arm off than shop, but we both really enjoy watching YA dystopian movies and reading the books, so that's something we share.

I'm always welcoming to their friends (even when I'm privately groaning at hosting yet another sleepover).

I still cuddle them every day which they graciously allow (and secretly like, I hope) and tell them I love them and that they make me very happy.

But it doesn't really upset me that they're growing older and growing away from us because I 100% think that is the natural order of things. I encourage them to branch out and try new things because my own Mum relied on me too much emotionally/socially when I was a teen and I resented it.