The Mumsnet Commandments of Housekeeping

[Bitchfromhell]

1. Thou shalt not bleach thine pants.

No matter if they are your good m&s ones, and even if they are quite new and only a little bit grey. Thou shalt invoke the wrath of thine fanjo no matter how well thou thinkest they have been rinsed.

Please add your own Housekeeping Commandments, borne out of bitter experience, as a checklist for those of us hard of brain cell. And so I don't feel quite so alone in my idiocy.

And lo the Pixies of the Internet did decree that talking about Housework Commandments was much more important than actually doing them.

Lets us place down the rubber gloves of toil, to take a moment to reflect and be grateful for this gift of keyboard and screen.

Our MNHQ who art in the Tower,
Naice Blue be thy various moderators' names

Thy ad revenue come.
Thy talk guidelines be done
on AIBU as it is in Sleb Twaddle.

Give us this day our active threads,
and forgive us our Troll Hunting,
as we forgive those who Troll Hunt against us,

and lead us not into temptation in the LIDL Oasis Of Random Stuff
but deliver us from yet another dust gathering Style & Beauty recommendation

For thine is the Server,
and the Tech Shed, and the Gin Cupboard,
for ever and ever

Thou shalt not washest thoust towels on the sabbath day. Cleanliness is nexteth to Godliness...

😂😂😂

Thou shalt grab thine husband by the scruff of his neck say

Behold the Washer of Clothes and Dryer of Clothes. They are to operated by Man as well as Woman

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Remember this and weep with laughter all those oppressed by the continuous misery of awful MILs and uncaring teens and lazy DP's and have considered wandering into the wilderness of the WWW in search of solace! Picketh thou the strange titled thread and thou wilt find the true wit of thy beloved MN humorists and be truly grateful. Amen.

Thou shalt leave thine other halfs dirty socks and pants on the bedroom floor where they left them.
Verily after 31days and nights have passed and thou cannot standeth the stench of skiddies any longer thou shalt whistle the buggers and they'll come marching in a south south west direction down the wooden hill and into thine machine which will need a disenfecting after a wash.

Thou shalt not use flannels. 'Tis unhygienic. Washing all manner of unspeakables in the dishwasher is perfectly permissible though.

Excellent Online

@online that was fab.

Ahem. Ahem, aaaaaaaAHeeeeemmmm

Thou shalt not clean the microwave by boiling lemons in water to steam clean the inside because doing so without the water makes it catch fire and makes the house smell of smoke for ages and ages

Apparently

Thou shalt receive without question the Mysterious Holiness of thy tops. Thou must not seeketh to blame moths, bleach, belts nor any other agent of Holiness. Thou must accept the Holiness as a visitation upon the fruits of Hush and Boden, and verily be grateful.

Yea though thy husband has worked for 40 hours whilst thou has sat on thy fat arse watching Wimbledon thy shalt make him do his share of the housework for it is only thy job to take care of thine offspring.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's room of futility; yea, thou willst enrage the prophetess Kirstie by washing clothes in the cooking-room.

Thou shalt remember to take thy Baggeths For Life unto the supermarkets, and not buyeth four new ones every time thou goes shopping.

For it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than to closeth the door on thy Baggeth For Life cupboard without many multitudes of bags slithering all over thy kitchen floor.

And the Lord decreed that Oven Pride is a deadly sin.

Behold thy Magic Sponge, for it is a miracle.

Thou shalt remember that thy bog roll may only be changed by the hand of Woman. Should thy bog roll be changed by the hand of Man, then verily the sky will be rent asunder, plagues of frogs will descend and sheep will lie down with cattle.

Apparently.

And yet the Mothers could not agree; and the Fathers were fearful that their donkeys would be poisoned by the Great Stench.

And verily, Solomon was called upon, for his Wisdom knew no bounds, and his knowledge of The Decrees of the Borough Council was great.

Lo! The matter of the shitty nappy of the newborn was settled.

LOL

AND Mumsnet, yet breathing out threatenings against the disciples of the Mail, went unto the ironing basket, and desired that all bed linen be enshrouded within it's own matching pillow cases. And when it were done, it eased the ministrations of the housewife bedmaker when replacing the linens daily.

And at the Marriage-Feast, the Marriage-couple declared that the Hangers of Bunting may not be fed, nor yet be given wine, and the Hangers of Bunting did cry sorely to the Sages of Mumsnet. And the Sages of Mumsnet did declare that the Lord would smite the Marriage-Couple , and they would be Plagued by lack of Bunting.

And it was so.

The Lord commanded Moses to the Mountain, and on his Tablets of Stone he did write the words of the Lord. And the Lord commanded that all Twigs be removed from thine Home, and that Pebbly Shit be cast asunder.

The lord advisest thou to resist joining the soul-sucking mire that is the fly-lady mailing list, lest ye be bombarded with unremitting drivel on an hourly basis. It is said that she who shines her sink is in the grips of satan himself. Verily I say to thee that thou should never share bathtowels with other family members, nor employ a pedestal mat, or ye shall be smited.