The Mumsnet Commandments of Housekeeping

[Bitchfromhell]

1. Thou shalt not bleach thine pants.
   

No matter if they are your good m&s ones, and even if they are quite new and only a little bit grey. Thou shalt invoke the wrath of thine fanjo no matter how well thou thinkest they have been rinsed.



Please add your own Housekeeping Commandments, borne out of bitter experience, as a checklist for those of us hard of brain cell. And so I don't feel quite so alone in my idiocy.

[0nline]

Thou shalt sacrifice to the God of Suds quarterly with the The Ritual of the Wash of (Faithful) Service.

On thine own head be it if thy doth notith perform the ritual. Thou shalt be smited by the God of Suds. For he shalt damn thine appliance to the satan stink of drum. And thus the faithless shall wear the sign of their sin. Cos they shalt be smelly of clothes.

It is so for all in the land to knowith who are the sinners amoung them who do not practise rightful homage.

Lo the faithful shalt come forth with the punishment (as prescribed by The Holy Magazine of Good Housekeeping) - The Ostentatious Tut Of JudgeyKnickers.

[BarkeepersFriend]

Thou shalt not climb a staircase without armfuls of sacred crap to dump in a different room.

[MrsMoastyToasty]

Thou shalt not cook at the altar of the barbecue, for this is the domain of thy Man of thine house. Though shalt dwell in the kitchen and shalt preparest salads and rolls of bread.

[InferiorDecorator]

Thou shalt absolutely not shove armfuls of crap in a cupboard in thine bedroom when preparing for the visit of thine judgey pants father and step-mother. Nay, may and thrice nay, not even if in doing so shall result in ye getting to the wine in record time, else thy husband shalt grumble about the mess in their humble presence...

[Spudlet]

Thou shalt not dry thy pants on the washing line, unless thou canst concealth them on a rotary drier behind some less offensive garment.

[SingaSong12]

Thou shaltest complain bitterly about thine OH not doing their fair share of the housework whilst simultaneously complaining bitterly that thine OH did not follow the MN bible and thou had to reclean last time OH did clean.

[0nline]

Thou shalt draw comfort in the days of smallish children. When cleaning feels like shovelling snow while it still snowith.

For lo ! In the horizon is the Miracle of Puberty.

From high shalt come down the password of the wifi. Which thou shalt keep safe.

And dangle with menace.

Thus thou shalt be blessed by muttering, grumpy, but compliant sproglets. Who shalt empty dishwashers, load washing machines, mop, sweep and fold. Lest they should lose the Great Connectivity In the Sky and be forced to actuallly talk to their family rather Whatsapp relentlessly.

[JaneJeffer]

Thou shalt purge thy dwelling of every piece of thine offspring's artwork.

[SpottedGingham]

Thou shalt ask on mn before setting foot in Messrs Aldi, ikea, Iceland et al.

[topcat2014]

Thou shall not eateth mechanically reclaimed meat in any of thy formeth.

[villainousbroodmare]

Thou shalt engage a cleaner to exert herself mightily, achieving in two feverish hours a week what thou cannot in the remaining one hundred and sixty six. Thou shalt most foully test her mettle by leaving an entrapment farthing 'neath the sofa, thereby vouchsafing her strength, thoroughness and honesty. Should the farthing remain in place, thou shalt not know whether to fire her for not lifting the sofa, or keep her for her trustiness.

[Imbroglio]

And lo, a small Aldi chicken shall feed seven times seven, unto the seventh son.

[0nline]

villainousbroodmare

I should not -ith at the Holy Scripture of Mumsnet. But I cannot helpith mineself. For thy art verily a Good Woman who blesses us with mucho mirth.

[OstentatiousWanking]

Verily a penis beaker shall be placed by the side of those in righteous post coital sleep.

[NorthernLurker]

Thou shalt not render unto thy precious offspring the breakfast cereal that is made from the fruit of the cocoa bean. Unless it is holiday time.

[Kwackerly]

Thou shalt not hoard, not shall thee keep for best, but use thy things for their intended purpose in a timely manner.

[villainousbroodmare]

Thou shalt furthermore daily anoint thy dwelling house, thy midden heap, thy chamberpots, thy sluices and verily each and every chattel of thy home with essence of the Flora of Zo, lest thy neighbours perceive thee to be less fragrant than themselves.

[PortiaCastis]

Flora of zo
That made me laugh !

[Vonklump]

How canst mere wannabe disciples ascertain what a spider Willy is?

[puckingfixies]

Thou shalt not use Fairy Liquid in the dishwasher (seemed like a good idea at the time).

[Imbroglio]

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours dropped curb.

[healthyheart]

Thou musteth wash household items in the dishwasher; the likes of the kitchen bins, dog bowls, toothbrushes, etc.

[PosiePootlePerkins]

This thread is

[Bitchfromhell]

Thou shalt definitely not sprinkle salt and white wine one those garments that thine has previously sloshed red wine onto. It won't work

[Bitchfromhell]

*on