The Mumsnet Commandments of Housekeeping

[Bitchfromhell]

1. Thou shalt not bleach thine pants.

No matter if they are your good m&s ones, and even if they are quite new and only a little bit grey. Thou shalt invoke the wrath of thine fanjo no matter how well thou thinkest they have been rinsed.

Please add your own Housekeeping Commandments, borne out of bitter experience, as a checklist for those of us hard of brain cell. And so I don't feel quite so alone in my idiocy.

whilst visiting the purveyor of fine goods stall, thy shall not park thy donkey and cart in a 'mother and infant' allocated bays. Disabled carts must display a blue badge sandstone plaque, or the proprietor, Joseph Waitrosius, will clamp kill your donkey.

The Parable of Dyson's Pride. And A Fall.

A haughty engineer, much vexed by sub standard suckiness, did upon the humble hoover many rituals of bastardly hidden filters.

And lo did his wife point out that while proper suckiness was sacred, within his contraption was the influence of Satan.

"Silence woman and know thy place, which is obviously nowhere near the design of appliances used in the main by females. For I, the gloriously be-penised, need not thy "help" as I have upon this machine worked a miracle. And the women of the world will verily shout my name !"

And so it did come to pass.

For all around the world did ring out "Fucking Dyson"

...as once more the flimsy catch collapsed under the mighty weight of the hose.

to all!

Thou shalt not purchase any sort of meat for the four days after thou hast purchased a chicken.

Hilarious - Thank you!!

The Lesson of Household Pestilence

Verily the wife did disobey her husband who said "I don't care how cute these kittens abandoned outside our dwelling are, we are drowning in cats as it is, desist and resist wife. Thus I do thee order"

Risking a Pillar of Salt issue, the wife looked back. And four tiny faces did minuscule and pathetic "miaows".

The scales fell from her eyes and she did see that her husband had come round nine other times. So she did sneakily poppith out under cover of darkness and hustle them all from the middle of the road into her humble Portico. With food, water, a "natural" flea spray (cos it was the only one that said "suitable for kittens under six weeks") and strict instruction to stay out of the house, she left them for the night with a heavy heart. For they were tiny. And defenceless. And dead cute.

The Mighty Moderators of MNHQ looked down from their tower and saw her sin of Turning Into A Crazy Cat Lady. With a passive aggressive and much judgyness of knicker they sent upon the tiny kittens a possession of sharp clawed demon. The hovel's mosquito screens were shredded and entry into the humble abode was gained.

Satan ordered festivities on the sofa. Followed by sloth on the pile of clean laundry.

And this did come to pass.

Lo the enraged DH came down from his night's rest to discover demonic invasion, a small puddle underfoot and the Pestilence of Tiny Jumpy Black Beelzebubs in insect form.

He did unto his errant wife yell quite a lot in flailing arm, Italian fashion.

Chastened his wife did run to the wise women folk of MN. She did weep and rend her (now quite itchy) clothes and begged them for succour and assistance. They loved thine collective internet based neighbour. And lo they advised her.

For some did proclaim she should LTB. For let he among us who can resist tiny whiskers hurl the first YABU.

Other said do not wail and lament. For we have many rituals to cleanse you soul. And your hovel.

For three days and three nights shalt be interred in the deep freezer your cushions of sofa. On the third day they will rise. Purified, if a bit crispy. And once more the arse of your husband shalt be unbitten and non-itchy.

Take this the sacred incense of Indorex. Waft and sprinkle on every cubit of your dwelling, while muttering the Prayer Of Frugal Living "shit this stuff is expensive".

Bring forth the Dragon of Dyson, collapsed as it in the corner. And send the tiny pests to the hell of the dust collector. Hourly. For about a month and a half.

And lo the wife did her MN prescribed rituals. And so the pestilence (with a little help from VetMate and professional kitten flea spray) was eliminated.

All was well and peace was restored to the marital bed.

Until the DH did discoverith his wife writing parody MN bible stuff as an elevated form of procrastination and hysterical replacement activity ... instead of making the kitten advertising website and poster as sworn and promised.

If thou wishest to make a pronouncement upon the proper arrangement or rearrangement of one's cart (commonly abbreviated to 'parc' or 'parking') then knowest that such pronouncement must on pain of mumsnet ignominy be accompanied by a hand-chiselled diagram on a tablet of stone. And then, lo, the women of mumsnet shall draw close, shall imagine such situation in their hive mind, shall give judgement, and all shall bask in the shared glow of righteousness.

The Lord gaveth unto the People the fruits of all the trees, and all the bushes, and even yet those growing from the ground in a surprising manner which shall henceforth be known as pineapples. And the Lord said to the people "All these delicious fruits are thine; feed thy children upon these health-giving gifts from Me."

And the Sages of Mumsnet did cry "O Lord, but these fruits are full of sugar, and lacking in protein. "

Do not offend thine sisters. Remember to respect the Moon cup and ensure you are modestly clothed by your Mumsnet scarf.

Woe unto thee who do not cast aside thy komono for thy shall dwell forever in a hell of thine own making.

As is written in the Book of Kondo

Verily, I say unto you
if it spark not joy in thy heart,
cast down all things
into the darkest black bag
Until none remains
Except your mooncup

Yay, though thouest be biddest to attend to the feast of the blessed nuptials, thou is NOT summoned.

Know that the betrothed who make pilgrimage far from their native land and bid you pilgrimage alongside them are verily ingrates. Cast them out!

And the Mothers asked the Lord: "How often should we change our sheets, oh Lord?"
And he replied: "Not less than once a week"
And so they asked: "But is it necessary to air the bedroom, Lord?"
And he replied: "Quite necessary, yes."
And they asked: "And is it right to air the fanjo, oh Lord?"
And he told them: "It is holy and clean to air the fanjo at night"
And they all agreed that fanjo-airing was right and holy. But some rebelled and insisted that they must keep their fanjo clothed at night, lest they would not be able to sleep. And that was the great MN schism of 2016.

Remember to respect the Moon cup

And lo a pagan Moon Worshipper did walk amoung the Mumsnet Faithful. Tempting them with claims of earthly green virtue beyond measure, in the silicone, reusable San of Pro.

Twas written in the hidden tablets of TSSDNCOP this day would comeith. All knew the punishment of the Holy Hail of Biscuits must be meted lest they too know the mortification of Unbreakable Vacuum of Cervix

And so it came came to pass.

OstentatiousWanking

Repent sister, repent ! Or thine crumb ridden penance must continue.

In the name of the Tampax, the maxi pad and the panty liner.

Lovestonap

Verily I doth

And the Lord did decree that there should be a great separating of the rubbish, and he did visiteth upon each household four bins.

'Lo' said he, 'thou shall mix not thy rubbish, for that is not the good and righteous way. Thou shall giveth at least an hour a week to the Great Sorting, and thou shall knowest which of the bins shall be collected on any day of any given month.'

'Lord,' said the householder, 'how am I to know which of the four bins will be collected?'

'Look upon thy neighbour's house,' spaketh the Lord, and spake no more.

And so it came to pass that the Husband of the Householder was lax and indolent, and a plague of maggots came upon the brownest of the bins, which could only be cast out by liberal application of the Fluid of Jeyes amid much wailing and retching.

And it came to pass that the bluest of the bins seemed ever full, and no matter how quietly the Householder tried to drop the empty bottles in, the neighbour of the Householder did knowest that the tinkling sound was not created by jam jars alone.

And the Householder did curse the Lord.

And lo the reaming demon fleas were startled.

By the sudden bellows of laughter from the House of 0nline.

you lot are killing me

Remaining ! Not reaming. For verily while lo the fleas are demonic it's not quite that bad. Yet.

Go forward and preach unto thy sons the virtues of a clean dwelling place lest their wives not curse thee and bewail unto Mumsnet of their unholy mother-in-laws.

And the Lord spoke, if thou keepeth a beaker next to thine bed, for purposes of cleansing thine penis after lying together with thine wife, this is permissible under the holy law, but thou shall instruct thine wife not to inscribe thine habits unto Mumsnet, for thou shall be judged, and Satan himself shall proclaim thine habits to the Daily Mail, and Mumsnet will be plagued with sinners and will be ruined forevermore.

Ahem

And so it shall come to pass if thou dost not heed the Commandments, the Lord shall send unto thee a plague of unexpected visitors and thou shalt be ashamed and wail and promise to keep the Commandments henceforth and the Lord in His mercy shall reward you by keeping all visitors from your pristine dwelling place until such time as thou breakest the Commandments again.

Truly, a plague of Unexpected Visitors is the worst kind of plague JaneJeffer