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Original poster

Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

284 replies

Youuttercono · 26/04/2017 21:59

I haven't told anyone this in RL because I am actually mortified at myself. I am a fluent, but not native, Spanish speaker. But for some bollocky reason I said something completely fucking stupid recently.

Instead of asking for a vanilla ice cream cone I asked for a vanilla cunt. Blush What kind of idiot am I? To make matters worse, the person serving me laughed with her colleague about it (at me, not with me!) I was too mortified to laugh at myself and haven't stopped cringing.

Help me get over it by telling me some gaffes you have made, either linguist or just plain stupid.

OP posts:
AuldAlliance · 27/04/2017 20:44

A friend of mine worked years ago in a posh Parisian hairdresser's. He cut one particularly snooty lady's hair, then held up a mirror and asked, "Maintenant, Madame, voulez-vous aussi que je vous coupe les poils du cul?"

Rather than offering to trim the hair at the back of her neck, he'd asked whether she wanted her pubes cutting...

PsammeadPaintedTheLion · 27/04/2017 20:45

It's not a rude one, but I made my German father in law giggle like a little girl when I asked him if the new neighbours were going to 'colour in their house' instead of paint it.

It just tickled him.

I proudly demanded 10 55cent wallets in the post office, too, instead of stamps (Brieftaschen v. Briefmarken).

And my best moment was telling my mil that I had lunch at the stripclub instead of at my neighbour's house. (Nakt Bar v. Nachbar)

You learn to roll with it. Dh once asked me where the small sauce bin was. I guessed, and handed him a gravy boat. He was after a saucepan.

Bahhhhhumbug · 27/04/2017 20:46

W just thought of another one told me by an ex work colleague when she first went out for a meal with her rather well to do future in laws. The dishes were all in French and being unable to understand what any of the dishes were she panicked and just ordered the last one at the bottom. Unfortunately it just said '* When available' which she pronounced with an attempt at an exotic accent saying she would have the 'Von Aval-abul' please . Grin

RueDeDay · 27/04/2017 20:53

I had a really really bad case of tonsillitis after I moved to Germany aged 15, ended up having emergency surgery to have them removed, and so learnt that 'mandeln' is German for tonsils. A month or so later, I saw a sign at the fair that proudly proclaimed 'Geröstete Mandeln' and was absolutely horrified that people ate roasted tonsils.

After killing themselves laughing at my reaction, my friends let me know that 'mandeln' also means almonds.

Liara · 27/04/2017 21:13

Spanish is a bitch for this kind of thing, because of all the regional differences in the way things are said.

The very normal 'to grab' in Spain means 'to fuck' in Argentina, so when my Spanish colleague went on a business trip to Argentina, was phoned to come urgently away to something and announced 'I'll just grab/fuck Maria and come along' he got many open mouthed stares from all the middle aged men around the table.

He will never, ever live it down.

BertieBotts · 27/04/2017 21:21

Oh, yep, I've accidentally encouraged German kids to swear. We were playing some kind of dodgeball in English and I kept shouting out "missed!" aka "You missed me!" But "mist" in German is, literally, crap.

(I have learnt all of my German swearwords from the kids I teach actually, so I don't feel toooo bad.)

midsomermurderess · 27/04/2017 21:23

I remember a germane chap refusing the offer of a drink because, he said, he had an overdraft. It turned out he meant a hangover.

midsomermurderess · 27/04/2017 21:24

German.

MrsGotobed · 27/04/2017 21:27

English is not the first language for my MIL.

Although she is fluent in English she still occasionally gets words muddled up, the most memorable time being when she told us about a car park that had bollocks in! Grin . (She meant bollards)

Original poster
Youuttercono · 27/04/2017 21:51

Grin bollocks/bollards had me laughing out LOUD.

I'm sure I made many more gaffes when living in Europe (as opposed to the UK) but I just don't remember them now!

OP posts:
FairNotFair · 27/04/2017 21:54

"La guere est finis"

This really tickled me!

Grin
BBCK · 27/04/2017 22:04

Cooking programmes make us laugh as a "foody" is a cunt in Punjabi.
My inlaws used to call my children "caca" which means baby. As a French speaker I always understood it to mean "Poo".

My French exchange partner offered me a "fuck" when we were 17. Luckily she meant a fag. She was also curious as to what Merched Women were as she kep seeing this sign around the tourist attractions we visited in Wales. Merched means women in Welsh.
I've ordered AIDS in a bar when I meant cider. SIDA instead if cidre

missussmith55 · 27/04/2017 22:51

I worked in a bookshop and an elderly genteel lady tottered in. She stopped and asked me in her best telephone voice, ' Do you have Flowers In the Attic by Vagina Andrews?' I could see her face twitch and redden two seconds later as she realised what she had just said.

chelle87 · 27/04/2017 23:31

I wrote a message in Spanish to my Colombian friend thanking her for attending our wedding, she replied that everyone was so lovely so I wrote back, I'm glad they made you feel welcome. Now welcome in Spanish is bienvenido but I couldn't work out how to use it in a sentence so I took away the "bien" for some reason.... I basically replied.... I'm glad they made you come. Wink oh and she's pretty religious too x

chelle87 · 27/04/2017 23:35

Auld alliance hahahahaha.

EBearhug · 28/04/2017 01:42

My mother has also done the "la guerre/la gare" thing on a bus in France. I was trying to subtly hint her that she meant la gare, while thinking, if you carry on like this, la guerre will probably break out around you...

A decade or so previously, we had a French exchange girl staying with us, and my mother decided to serve up toad in the hole, as a bit if traditional English cooking. She translated it literally, too (crapeau dans le trou, in case you're wondering.) I was desperately trying to explain, "ce sont saucissons!" because, going by her expression, clearly the poor girl feared my mother was literally serving her toad...

EBearhug · 28/04/2017 01:43

My mother has also done the "la guerre/la gare" thing on a bus in France. I was trying to subtly hint her that she meant la gare, while thinking, if you carry on like this, la guerre will probably break out around you...

A decade or so previously, we had a French exchange girl staying with us, and my mother decided to serve up toad in the hole, as a bit if traditional English cooking. She translated it literally, too (crapeau dans le trou, in case you're wondering.) I was desperately trying to explain, "ce sont saucissons!" because, going by her expression, clearly the poor girl feared my mother was literally serving her toad...

chocoblock · 28/04/2017 01:52

when I first lived in France my colleagues sent me to the boulangerie for a paquet de merde

Nzou1050 · 28/04/2017 02:13

I tried to order pecado instead of pescado once!

When teaching the topic of work to my Year 9 class & having learned the professions plus how to conjugate the verb trabajar I gave them the task of creating a short presentation. The number of them who couldn't be bothered to look in their textbooks or exercise books & instead used google translate to announce "mi madre no funciona" was really depressing.

CatherineHate · 28/04/2017 07:50

Ooohh I just thought of one! My MIL'S first language also isn't English. She is Dutch speaking and the word for chef is "cook".

One evening DP cooked us a meal and we were enjoying and she turned to me and says in English "you're very lucky CatherineHate, every woman loves a good cock"

the poor lady mixed the word cook and cock GrinGrin

I was sorely tempted to make a rude joke, but resisted

JuneBalloon · 28/04/2017 08:23

A colleague was giving some sales training to a room full of.... i forget the nationality but the point is that they weren't English speakers. His course was being simultaneously translated. After describing something as being "the dog's bollocks" to express its effectiveness he was surprised to be met with a room full of very perplexed faces. He only later found out that it had been literally translated as "the spaniel's testcles".... which explains the confusion.

TinyTear · 28/04/2017 08:25

I have done a presentation to a room full of Spanish senior managers where I talked about products with no additives or condoms (preservativos) instead of preservatives (conservantes)

Now I keep that in hand if I need an ice breaker in a meeting...

Birdandsparrow · 28/04/2017 08:27

Don't worry chelle to cum isn't venir in Spanish, it's correrse so you didn't say anything rude with your message.

ScissorBow · 28/04/2017 08:43

DH and I were joking in a posh French restaurant I'd splashed out on for his birthday that he always got 'l'addition' (the bill) and 'l'équitation' (horse riding) mixed up at school. Lo and behold when it comes to the bill he only bloody asks for the horseriding! The well mannered waiter was most polite but puzzled till I stopped crying with laughter and pointed out to DH what he'd actually asked for. Obviously we're not going back there again!

SuperFlyHigh · 28/04/2017 09:01

Marking place this is hilarious! I do have one to put here later.