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Original poster

Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

284 replies

Youuttercono · 26/04/2017 21:59

I haven't told anyone this in RL because I am actually mortified at myself. I am a fluent, but not native, Spanish speaker. But for some bollocky reason I said something completely fucking stupid recently.

Instead of asking for a vanilla ice cream cone I asked for a vanilla cunt. Blush What kind of idiot am I? To make matters worse, the person serving me laughed with her colleague about it (at me, not with me!) I was too mortified to laugh at myself and haven't stopped cringing.

Help me get over it by telling me some gaffes you have made, either linguist or just plain stupid.

OP posts:
afussyphase · 28/04/2017 21:25

Once, when I had just bought a bagel in Montreal, the staff member asked me if I'd like her to eat it for me. Took me about 10 awkward seconds to realise she meant heat.

Cheekyandfreaky · 28/04/2017 21:33

This may out me as I have told this a thousand times but have laughed at all of your contributions so here's mine:

When I moved to France for an Erasmus year my French was pretty poor. I was living in the 'maison internationale' with students from all over the world. The first day there, i walked into the kitchen and met a Mexican guy who was eating spaghetti. As we were chatting, the buildings French caretaker walked in. After a bit of chit chat, he asked me where I was from, I replied 'je suis anglaise' but that annoyed him, he asked for my 'origine'. I knew that the word for India was 'inde' so I said 'je suis d'Inde' as in I am a turkey. The guy smirks and turns towards the Mexican guy who is eating the hugest plate of spaghetti I have ever seen and asks him why he is eating so much and he responds obviously thinking he is saying I am hungry but instead says 'je suis femme'. Neither of us had a clue for a long time- caretaker told a bunch of others about the two imbeciles he met in flat 12 who eventually told us (I was the only Indian and he the only Mexican).

Bodeccia · 28/04/2017 21:41

My advice:
If you're in France ordering anything with a BBQ sauce, just say BBQ in an English accent.
(barbe à cul

BIWI · 28/04/2017 21:58

I'm learning Mandarin. When I first started, our Chinese teacher insisted that we chose Chinese names for ourselves. I chose 'xing li', to mean 'beautiful star' (there was a semantic reason for that, I'm not just hugely arrogant Grin).

However, Chinese is a tonal language, and so I proudly announced to the class that my new name was 'baggage'.

70ontheinside · 28/04/2017 22:00

Not mine honest but a friend of mine unforgettably asked for a "flower pot with an arse hole" on his year abroad in Italy iirc.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 28/04/2017 22:01

(Waves to BIWI) As I mentioned up thread, my shining achievement in my Mandarin class was to ask "How are your mother and poo-poo?"

mrbreezeet1 · 28/04/2017 22:15

don't beat yourself up.

Smudge100 · 28/04/2017 22:25

I bumped into a friend in the street in Germany and remembered that the last time i'd seen her, she'd mentioned that her brother was moving. But instead of asking her if he'd got round to moving, i innocently enquired if he'd taken his clothes off. Her face was a picture.

fueledbybacon · 28/04/2017 22:30

I've asked my mother in law for fica (pussy) instead of fico (fig). DH almost spat out his coffee but MIL bless her just laughed.

Have asked the deli guy for pecorina (doggy style) instead of Pecorino (cheese)

Italian is dangerous...Blush

Jayyfa · 28/04/2017 22:32

Feel for you. I often used to mistype my own name in emails as was doing so fast...we also have a book at work where we write down all the ridiculous things we all say from time to time...it's quite cathartic

FurryLittleTwerp · 28/04/2017 23:12

Once on a guided hike in France, the French guide was trying to explain by showing on the map that the group could split later if people wanted, with the choice of a more difficult or an easier route.

The French verb "senter" can mean either "to feel" or "to smell".

Consequently, in his outrageous French accent, he was saying, " and if you smell good, you can take zis way, and if you smell bad you can take zat way" Grin

Sonjae · 28/04/2017 23:13

My lovely Polish friend told her in-laws that she loved their son so much as he filled her every hole. Clearly meant he makes her feel whole.... but knowing her Wink

An Ex-BF who lived in Japan had a sick sense of humour. His in-laws cat had kittens. One had a tail that constantly pointed upwards and one was blind with withered eyes. He named them "Anus" and "Raisin" and they thought they had lovely English names ShockSmile

ChilliChipolatas · 28/04/2017 23:30

I asked for a poonani instead of a panini!!

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 28/04/2017 23:36

The story about telling someone that derriere meant de rien reminds me of what an ex did to me once.

He was Croatian, and told me the Croatian for hug me and kiss me. A few years later, having split up with him, I was having dinner with a group of friends, 3 of whom were Bosnians, and there was much banter going on in both languages. One of the Bosnians said something cheeky to which the other replied with the phrase I had been told meant "kiss me", but very much in a tone of voice which suggested it didn't mean that at all (the phrase was delivered very much in the tone of voice which suggested it meant something along the lines of "yeah, and you can kiss my ass too!")

So I asked what "puzi me" and "mozi me" meant (apologies, that's roughly phonetic as I was introduced to them, I have no idea how you actually spell either).

Five minutes later after my Bosnian friends had finished rolling around the floor laughing, they told me he had in fact told me how to say "suck my dick" and "jerk me off".

(To this day I still wonder why he taught me to say these things in the first person...)

monkeysaymonkeydo · 29/04/2017 02:57

This has made me lol so much!

My only linguistic mistakes have been in English embarrassingly enough! I once asked via email if a manager could let me know about his teams 'shits' instead of 'shifts' when organising some training. Cringe 🤐

At school a friend and I struggled to remember the word 'parallelogram' in a test. I left the answer blank. My friend went with 'rectum' much to the teachers and our classes delight. I still chuckle at this memory!

seoulsurvivor · 29/04/2017 03:13

I am learning Korean, so far no huge mishaps (maybe because there are so many homophones that it's not even funny to misuse a word - eg sperm and pagoda are both jeongja; jaji malayo could mean 'don't go to sleep' or 'roll my dick up'), more mistakes with using the wrong formality and respect level or whatever which is cringe but not a terribly funny story.

My Korean husband though - he's very good at English but he does get mixed up. We have been watching the Tudors on Netflix and he got really into it and kept calling me 'your highness' and 'your majesty' and stuff. He thought that 'lord' was spelled 'load' so he kept texting 'I AM YOUR LOAD!' at me. When I explained that load meant jizz, he got quite sad and said 'every word in English means dick or pussy or jizz.' He also laughed because I had a student called 'jack' - 'JACK? LIKE JACK OFF? HA ha ha, those parents are so stupid!' When I told him it was a totally normal name, he was annoyed.

JanT2004 · 29/04/2017 04:09

In a Chinese restaurant my husband asked for crispy dick instead of crispy duck!

sleepingonthesparebed · 29/04/2017 05:17

In German the words for joke and wank sound incredibly similar.

So similar that when I said one day in a me job "Brits think the Germans have no sense of humour and don't know what a good joke is" I really wasn't expecting the stony horrified silence I received.

Witz was what I should have said. Wichs was what came out.....

seoulsurvivor · 29/04/2017 05:33

sleeping always the added hilarity of having a cold and rubbing some Vicks into your chest.

Whywaitfortomorrow · 29/04/2017 06:28

I've nothing to add but just wanted to say thanks to OP and PPs for a fantastic thread, trying to contain laughter so as not to wake up household GrinGrinGrin

puzzwuzz · 29/04/2017 09:29

Another email one.. I have typed both 'manly thanks' and 'man thanks' in emails at work! Blush

Londonjam · 29/04/2017 09:32

In my German oral I said I travelled to Germany by river , meaning to say airplane. He asked me again and I said yes I swam it haha

QueenofPentacles · 29/04/2017 11:21

I don't believe this post at all.

fzpotts · 29/04/2017 12:48

We took over a pub a couple of years ago and it was in a right state. There had been a mouse infestation and the previous people had left the place filthy, set fire to a mattress in the flat above and other gross stuff.

We cleaned it all up, chucked out all the crap furniture and I had shampooed all the carpets upstairs. I then lit some incense to make it smell a bit more pleasant before going down into the bar to chat to customers.

5 minutes later my 15yo daughter came downstairs and announced to a packed bar that the flat stank of incest. Confused

A fair few pints were spat out!

Original poster
Youuttercono · 29/04/2017 15:11

queenofpentacles Why ever not? It certainly happened! I didn't exactly video I think for posterity! The two women looked at each other (I realised straight away what I said but pretended I didn't notice) and one said to the other "did she just do the enyay (ñ)?!" The other laughed and nodded. In case you're wondering, I said "coño" (conyo) instead of "cono" (err, con-o). I had been talking with English people earlier that day about the difference between the two, supposedly teaching them not to use the wrong one and laughing about it, which is why it will have been on the tip of my tongue.

Believe me now? why do I care?

OP posts: