Random shite your parents tell you with utter conviction...

[CharleyDavidson]

but that you know is bollocks!

My Mum insists that anything that you can inherit genetically from your family always skips a generation.

My Mum's blood is negative. As is mine. She asserts that I must have inherited that from my Grandmother. And she must have inherited hers from her grandmother.

Bonkers. I know that genetic traits can skip generations, but not always and not with such predictability. But she won't have it.

yokuhoh - absolutely, we can't learn Latin or Russian. But French is fine because it, like English, has no cases.

(They have a French teacher who will accept saying things in English using a French accent while gesticulating wildly as a laudable attempt, while their German teacher unfairly insists that they actually use German words in more or less the right order. How dare he? It's no fun learning when there are rules.)

That you shouldn't do anything that builds muscles as you can then never reduce the amount of time you spend exercising because the whole lot immediately melts into fat.

That the absolute heaviest thing women should lift whilst exercising is a tin of beans (see above).

Women shouldn't run because it "jiggles your bits" and makes you infertile.

Should only smile/laugh when it's absolutely necessary (to be polite) as it makes you wrinkly.

People from the Middle East climb up onto the bowl and stand on the toilet seat to use it (I did try to clarify if she meant squat toilets, but no apparently not).

Barrel of laughs growing up with that woman

Never wash your hair when you are having your period or you will be very ill indeed.
Never cross on the stairs (one walking up one down) it brings bad luck.
Eating crusts from bread makes your hair curl.

THIS drives me insane-

"That'll be worth a FORTUNE in a few years...."

Of course it will Mum as in, in about a MILLION YEARS BECAUSE THEY'VE MADE 40 GAZILLION OF THEM.

She says it about sodding everything. Her house is chokka with absolute tat that she is convinced is worth silly amounts. Not being computer savvy, she asked me to see how much a certain teapot was worth on Ebay. Cue hundreds on offer for about a tenner. Hasn't deterred her. I'll eat my words of course if we unearth something from the Ming dynasty

Oh, I CAN'T leave out this corker!

When talking about giving birth (I've posted this before) my DM gave birth to me.....wait for it......while asleep. Yup. Asleep. Not a drug induced sleep (adamantly not) or a coma. Just a lovely, lovely natural sleep where she awoke to be told she'd had a baby girl.

Now, I'm prepared to be told there is a rare condition

XMIL firmly believed that the strongest personality in a marriage determined the sex of the child. So she had sons.

She'd look disapprovingly at me and say XH and I were going to have daughters. Thankfully we never had children.

Funny though, he married again and has s daughter.

Shakey15000 My mum is the same! She had a dining set she reckoned she'd get £250 for, I found it on eBay for £25. She wouldn't have it!

Besides which she smokes, so everything she owns stinks, I don't know why she thinks anyone would want her old stinky furniture.

And the books, so many books, so many yellowing wrinkled old books. I don't even think a charity shop would want them, but she clings on to them all and periodically offers them to me and gets stroppy when I say no!

But everything will be worth a fortune soon.

My MIL when I was pregnant said that I should be ok to deliver a baby as I have size 6 feet and that's how they measure the size of your pelvis. I said that the midwife never once asked to see my feet! DH and I actually googled this and there was a theory back in the day that this was true, but from what I remember no correlation has actually been found between foot size and pelvis size! As it happens my baby was huge and I needed a c section

I agree Sharkey my dad hoardes stuff and has a loft full of stuff that he is convinced will be worth a fortune some day.

A mint, signed by all four Beatles first edition of Sgt Pepper sold for about £150,000 a few years back. My Dad is now convinced his absolutely bog standard, unsigned copy of the album must be worth a similar amount. He can't grasp that there a literally millions of copies identical to his floating around.

DGM was lovely but very naive and unworldy..
Strangers weren't any form of danger, it was just rude to talk to complete strangers. I didnt get the stranger danger message.
Gays and Lesbians are just same sex friends, after all how can they have sex, it requires different bits. She would have been very at the gender debates going on now.

Piles from sitting on cold surface
Get colds from going out with wet hair
No bathing on a period
Virgins shouldn't use tampons

Also the 'special offers' in the papers would become collectors items and worth the inflated price the paper said so worth buying.

Her book collection would pay for her funeral, she subsequently had to sell when she downsized and was offered £250 for the lot and that was only because she knew the dealer when he was a child, he told us it was worth half that. He felt he owed her for kindness to him when he was a little boy. She was devastated.

Thinking about it though, it's DH who comes out with the most bullshit, that he firmly believes and is by turns aghast and offended by my not agreeing with. Wet hair can kill, drafts cause conjunctivitis, vomiting is caused by eating certain foods which 'stick to your stomach', etc.
Recently we had a discussion which turned into a proper argument and on my part, at least for a few minutes, a wonder about divorce on whether the eejits who believe that the fucking Earth is flat might have a point. NO DH THEY DO NOT, THEY ARE INSANE, AS I AM STARTING TO THINK YOU MAY BE.

(I feel better for typing this).

Oh and come to think of DH believes the offers in the paper one....

It's a GAR - AGE! That's French for "put car in" brilliant!

I'm a member of the Flat Earth Society alltouchedout

Ex-FIL was absolutely convinced that gay men need regular bowel surgery to "repair damage from all that gay sex", could not convince him otherwise.

My parents, back in their internetphobic days were convinced that if I ever visited any website apart from my email I would get a virus on the computer. Whenever the computer would start lagging and being generally a bit crap (because it was old, and never updated, or shutdown) it must be because I had "gone on a dodgy site!". Nowadays mum is quite an avid internet user, dad still doesn't really understand it but does have an anonymous facebook page (not sure why he won't put his name on it) so he can see pictures of the grandchildren but is otherwise unused.

My mum insists that my eye operation when I was 3 was just a day operation and I wasn't in over night.

I absolutely was. I remember going to bed in the hospital after Corrie. I remember the girl next to me throwing up in the early hours and I remember that the toast in the morning was too blackened for me so my mum nipped to a greasy spoon and got them to do me lightly toasted toast.

But, nope, apparently I've just made all of that up.

My mum was convinced wearing vests ''to keep your kidneys warm'' prevented UTIs.

And she was another who believed everything the DM said. She never registered with FB because the DM blamed it for all society's problems. That and MySpace which was also popular at the time. Or to quote her ''FaceSpace.''

Spidey, my mum used to call it 'My Face"

My Mum believes that hot food has more calories in than cold food. So for example if I ate beans on toast or soup for lunch she would lament that she couldn't eat two hot meals a day as she would put on weight, whilst eating a sandwich with thick sliced cheese, thick butter AND mayonnaise on as it was much better for her figure.

My mum owns Google.

Yes she looks things up on 'my google'. She bloody loves 'my google'.

She also knows I only drink Earl's Grey tea. Who Earl is and why he makes tea that is grey is not a question worth asking.

GrowingAPea
If you're pregnant with a girl she'll rob your beauty so you have to have more babies until you get pregnant with a boy and get it back

I've had two DDs and no DS. I must be a real minger now!

Seriously, My DM thought that by DH (who works in IT) had to be careful about contracting "computer viruses". I think we convinced her of her error.

Not my parent, but my sibling believes that if you don't have a TV license you can't have any devices capable of picking up live TV in the house.

We stayed with them at a family members unoccupied house and they insisted that we left our laptop in the car, we didn't have smartphones at the time but they locked theirs in the car too. We weren't even allowed to bring the laptop in turned off. Bat shit.

They're the sort of person who is constantly glued to their phone so they clearly really believed this with some conviction.

My mum is convinced that it costs 37p to boil a kettle.

Her sister told her so. And her sister used to be a solicitor so she's very clever and knows basically everything.

I told her it was impossible for a kettle to cost me 3p and her 37p. "Yes, but we're with different energy suppliers" was her response

I also told her that it'd be impossible to have quarterly bills of £50 if kettle boiling were that price. I did it on pen and paper and everything.

But, nope, I'm an idiot apparently.

My Mum (a widow and devout Christian, this is relevant) and a few of her friends were devotees of TV's Dr Oz. She and her friends actually thought they should 'go on Dr Oz, he will be very interested in , we know he will want to see us!'. They got extremely excited about Dr Oz actually being their doctor!!!

Anything he said was as if Moses brought it down from the mountain. Needless to say their houses were full of shite. Coconut oil, blueberries, 'special' yoghurts, different herbal teas, loads of various fruits and veg, bottles of supplements and essential oils. He proposed exercise routines that were either silly or unrealistic. Yes, I know, all healthy foods & exercise is good but each one touted as the absolute cure for everything under the sun including cancer, the effects of aging, and Alzheimer's in large servings. Mum used to push his bonkers theories on me as the absolute truth and cure for any complaint. No matter what I whined about (period pain, sore feet, dry skin, Celiac Disease) she came out with "Dr Oz says....". Drove me crazy.

One day I happened to watch the program with her. When it was done she was going on again about how he knew everything and that the 'key' to long healthy life was doing exactly as he said. So I asked her "Mum, on this show Dr Oz said how important it is to good physical and emotional health to have a regular sex life. What are you going to do about that, then?". Shut her right up.

I told her it was impossible for a kettle to cost me 3p and her 37p. "Yes, but we're with different energy suppliers" was her response

Brilliant!

My late grandmother was convinced that the only women that could whistle were lesbians.

She also thought that she could only wear lily of the valley scent because she'd got a message at a spiritualist meeting.

Mind you, I had a street full of small kids convinced that there was a dragon living under our steps and my next door neighbour played along and brought it coal. What's childhood without a bit of mystery.

Natsku I am giving you the side eye...