I hate having kids

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I love them but I hate being a parent. It's dull, it's relentless, it's worrying, it's thankless, it's demanding, it's monotonous, it's exhausting.
I'd throw myself under a bus for them but being a parent has made me totally and utterly miserable. My first one didn't sleep through until he was 4 and a half and the second one is also a terrible sleeper. I'm starting to think it's something I've caused as everyone else I know has had at least one good sleeper.
I can't wait for them to grow up.

Must be one of those days...

www.facebook.com/hurrahforgin/posts/1443054265709638:0

They do grow up fast (in a way - someone on here said "the years are short, but the days are endless") - but the incredibly fast changes are part of the good things about it. Sometimes something that you think you just can't stand another day turns into something else overnight.

They say "a change is as good as a rest." This is not true but it is snappier than "A change is not the same thing as a rest, but it is better than nothing, and might be all that's available for now."

The thing about your older children is that every day they are more interested in things, and have the attention span to engage with that interest in a fuller and fuller way, and it's brilliant, because it keeps them happy and satisfied. I feel like watching my dcs read, or draw, or build lego, or play on a climbing frame (or not having to watch them, and walking off!), or play imaginary games, is a glorious moment that has come out of a long process of development from those hellish days when they weren't quite newborn, didn't want to sleep all day, but couldn't sit up or play with toys, and they just wanted to be held and entertained all the time. It was a relief when they could sit and grab blocks, that bought me the odd 3 minutes. BUT NOT NEARLY A-FUCKING-NOUGH. Back then I would have thought a kid who would play lego for an hour was the most incredible luxury. And it is. And I don't feel guilty about it because it is right for them, it is what they need, and it makes them happy.

I used to tell myself that if I'd have known at 24 (just before 1st pregnancy) what I know now, I'd never have had DC and I had 4 of the buggers! There is a big age gap between DC4 and the older 3 and I am just.......ffs do I have to do all this again!.... a lot of the time.

I still would have though. They have driven me absolutely batshit, are absolute arseholes 97.5% of the time, and we have had no family support at all but I couldn't have not had them.

What gets me through it is imagining big family dinners with them as adults with their own families and being an old lady and them wheeling me around in my wheelchair. can you tell I'm having a hard time at the moment and being old and decrepit with no responsibilities will be a relief I can't wait!

RE Frasier, the Silver Door spa one....! Don't eat Pringles watching this one, you might choke laughing!

Im so glad I found you all! I've just been thinking today that I am just so fed up with the drudgery of it all. I have a 6yr old and a 17 month old. Dd will just not leave ds alone, is always pulling him about, he wont leave her stuff alone so its constant bickering and shrieking all the fucking time. I work full time as a teacher and I am lucky to get 1 afternoon off a week plus I leave as soon as I finish teaching 2 other days to get the eldest from school, which takes the pressure off a bit but I then have to work every evening to make up for it. I get the long, long holidays with the kids and no time to myself to do anything for myself and then term times are just a relentless cycle of work, home, clean up, dinner, clean up, bedtime (1.5hrs getting 17month old to be tonight..) and then collapse. Add wine on a weekend night and maybe a day out but mostly more housework and start again...
DH hates his job and is tired from the long commute and barely sees the kids day to day, I know he's fed up and he does everything I ask him, tonight he did washing on, bins out, loaded dishwasher, tried to get ds to sleep and got dd to bed but all the thinking falls to me, all the meal planning shopping general house admin etc and I'm just tired. DS hasn't slept through more than 3 times ever and dd was the same until a year or two ago.
I mouth 'oh for fucks sake' far too many times a day. Everyone wants something from me, my department, the kids at scholarship, the managers want me to get amazing results and the kids just never stop as soon as I collect them. DS won't let me out of his sight and sobs as soon as I try to do anything like cooking, weeing by myself etc... And then dh wants me to be all up for sex etc at least once a bloody week and I just want to tell everyone to fuck off and just leave me alone for just a few minutes.

And deep breath...but I love them and sometimes dd will just say something brilliant and I wonder at this fab human being we made and ds has a good day and just smiles and laughter and plays or does something new and I think it's got to be worth it hasn't it? Until 'muuuummmm'....and I'm mouth oh fuck off under my breath again...

all

Yyy to the relentless monotony, repetition and constant tiredness.

Yyy to someone else looking after me - in my dreams. I remember when dd was newborn and I had a dentist appointment, I really enjoyed lying back and having a peaceful 20 mins.

Dd now starting sec school and while days of sleep deprivation are behind me, last week was so tough.

Unexplained infertility before having my two dcs. They were so wanted. I was so unhappy I hadn't got pregnant. Now?????

I think I need to go back to work or something.

It can't be right though, so many of us welcoming the thought of an illness or injury just so we can have a break and have someone look after us...

It's because we've been told we can have it all. It seems having it all actually means doing it all as well.
I will be advising my daughter to have a career or a family. Both is impossible.

Went away for a long weekend without the family recently - first time. It was blissful.

Further to my earlier post, dh and I thought we might finally get some 'alone time' today as his job finished early and I'd booked a half day... He's on his way home when school rings and dd1 is ill and needs picking up... The once chance we had for sex in months!!!!! :D ah well.

I have two 18 months apart. I didn't think I'd ever come out the other end. Then DD1 started school , DD2 nursery and I got accidentally pregnant. I had a termination. My mental health would not have survived going back to square 1. I do think about no 3 on occasion, never with regret, but more in the 'Oh sweet Jesus, it still wouldn't have started school'.

I start clock watching at 5 pm and thankfully could send them both to bed early tonight as they have colds. I'm dreading when they are old enough to stay up with us and we have absolutely no down time.

They want to be part of every conversation DH and I have. I get the Muuuuummmm shouted from all over the house, even though DH might be standing next to them (and is way more clever then I am).

The very words 'What will we play?' or lately 'Will you play Monopoly with me?' bring me out in a cold sweat.

Recently my mother took them till 7.30. I cleaned the house and then sat and admired it while I could. And had an omelette for tea, because I had no one to please but myself. It was fabulous.

I did get a week in hospital a couple of years ago with a bad infection. I resented all visits by everyone. It was a holiday of sorts. At the end I was glad to get home to them. I didn't get great sleep as I was on regular drips. But clean sheets, a menu each day, crap television all day. I was in isolation so had to talk to no-one. DH fantasises about going on proper holidays again. I fantasise about going on my own with a load of books.

DD2 is upstairs coughing her guts up again, so It's back to the GP tomorrow to get a referral to find out why this cough is not clearing, is she just chesty, has she asthma, could it be something else? Non stop bloody worry.

I love my children - when they are asleep.

The family round the corner from me have 9 children. They range from 14 years down to 18 months, meaning the mother has basically been pregnant for a decade and a half. She seems to do a much better job with her 9 than I do with my 2, but how on earth has she not had a nervous breakdown? 14 years of sleepless nights...

Oh man, I needed to read this today. I was just telling a friend of mine about how shit I felt after losing my temper at DD1 this evening and she was reassuring me that I wasn't a shit mum, just human. I finally snapped after a day full of tantrums from my 2.9 year old. I also have a 6 month old who is frankly a breeze compared to the toddler. I ended up shouting nearly in her face after one final tantrum at bedtime and instantly felt terrible. I had to walk out the room as I was about to burst into tears for the way I had reacted and for the way she had played up all day. The idea that my lovely, smiley 6 month old will soon hit the toddler stage and be like this and I'll have two lots of tantrums to deal with depresses me. I try not to think about the moody pre-teen and teenage years with the hormones as that really does depress me.
DH and I sometimes fantasise about what our lives would be like without kids- lovely holidays, no one to please but ourselves...
I love them so much it makes me emotional, but my God, it's fucking hard. for you all.

I feel so much better reading these honest posts.

I love my kids more than I ever realised I coukd love anyone but I fucking hate being a mother.

I feel like the person I used to be has died, I dream about my getting older.

I'm at that point where my dp wants kids. I've realised though that I'm no good at it. Or at least I'm only good at dealing with older children.

I have horses and I'm incredibly committed in most ways (there everyday rain hail and shine, prepare well for competitions, look immaculate when going to comp, spend all my spare time and money on it) but equally there are days when I can't face it as I'm too tired from my commute and I know that I can pay for some extra livery that day. Or I can sell them or put them out to grass if I really can't cope. Also, while I constantly think about their feed, exercise, clothing etc, I can't be bothered to do what others do - pulling manes when not competing, bathing them before going to a training session - I like to have some time to myself. I even sit up late at night as my partner goes to bed at 9/9.30 as I like to have the house to myself.

More tellingly, we have a young cat. I love animals, I love cats. She amuses me and I love her silliness and her cuddles. But Her constant yowling really pisses me off. It gets deep into my bones and sends shivers of irritation bordering on anger. Even using water over her doesn't work. And if I'm in a mood and then she does something annoying (like meowing constantly outside the door, or clawing up the curtains), the intensity of my anger worries me. I don't act on it beyond pulling HEr off the curtains and chucking her out of the room, but it is the feeling I have that scares me. I'm not sleep deprived or dealing with other stuff, so I can manage it. But what if I had sleepless nights too?
I'm talking about how glad I am she is growing up and she is only 4 months old!! It would last years with DC!

My partner is great - endless concern and patience, loves the responsibility, does feeds and pooh cleaning, whereas I do it because I should but I find it dull dull dull. I'm talking about a cat. And a cat that i adore. And it takes about 30minutes of my day to do cat-related care.
How bad would I be as a parent??

Thanks for this thread.

I don't have children (fertility issues) and swing between insane broodiness (49% of the time) and complete child-ambivalence (other 51%).

I have a really lovely, happy life surrounded by people I love. I always feel like I should feel that something is missing and I often feel guilty when I realise I don't- not all the time.

Hi through I've been on some of your earlier threads and you sound a lot better - and I hope you're taking lots of positives from sharing experiences with everyone. You sound very normally tired and pissed off which suggests that maybe some medication has been found which suits you??

I hope you don't mind me mentioning this - but I've been so worried about you these last 4-6 months so it lifted my heart when I realised that this very normal sounding poster was you.

It will get better, it's fucking hard work, you will get through it!

OP I agree about [not] having it all. Also about nuclear family point a pp made. I don't think it's normal in the context of the whole of human history for the mum to just be stuck with the children on her own. People were in community groups. Maybe the women were the ones doing h childrearing, but there would be grandmothers there too assisting and sharing the load. (There's a whole theory about this being the reason that human females live way beyond the menopause- it's evolutionarily advantageous).
Just having another adult arrive home and change the dynamic is welcome, even if they aren't that helpful, it must be so lonely to do this as a SP.

I think I particularly resent motherhood when I think I'm failing at it -- which is quite a lot of the time, TBH. If I ever catch myself doing something right, it is all a lot better! But my expectations of my own mothering skills are sky-high. Which is weird, considering my own mum was really shit.

I think the having it all thing isn't the real issue....I have a house husband...so I should be living the male dream of actually having it all...but I'm not. I still dislike being a parent.

Children just treat you abominably, and you have to put up with it. If you had a friend who always made you ask her to put her shoes on for 20 minutes before you left the house, you would think she was kind of an asshole and stop seeing her. If she kicked you in the tits, it would definitely be game over. If she lay on the floor and screamed for 25 minutes because you thought it was a better idea to have a biscuit after lunch rather than literally just before it - look there it is on the table - it would be NC.

Quote from the NYmag link that back posted.

“They’re a huge source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to shit.”

I'm another one who stays up late trying to get some peace. It doesn't help when I've had a non sleeping (now) 8yr old for the last five years. My body clock is wrecked.

I went to the GP last week and actually fantasized about having appendicitis so that the Dr would send me straight to hospital.

My other regular fantasy is that my fairy godmother will grant my wish to put everyone into some kind of suspended animation while I just sleep and read books interspersed with a bit of staring into space. Then when I feel ok again I could just pick up where I left off. I love them to bits. I don't want to miss anything. I'd just like to sleep and be me as well sometimes.

The ppl who mentioned the nuclear family set being wrong is absolutely spot on. It doesn't work at all.