Top tips thread aka the really useless tips thread

[Mycatsabastard]

Ensure your cake remains moist by eating the whole thing in one sitting

Add your own

I find a cigar tube full of wasps dose the trick. Or a Pringles tube if you've had too many children. The thrill of trying to get them in without getting stung on your unmentionables is an added bonus for certain participants.

A viz favourite.
Deter trick or treaters by putting your own window in and daubing "Peado" on your front wall

Instead of reaching for the biscuits mid-afternoon, why not get a sweet hit with apple slices with a smear of peanut butter?

No? Thought not.
(A 'nutritionist' advising in Boots magazine apparently).

Want to lose a few pounds in weight? Simply stand on your bathroom scales and push your hands against your wash basin.

hmm those slippers could be The Solution if you need to keep toes dry because of athletes foot.

Peanut butter on apple is bloody lovely!

Each to their own eurochick. I'm more of a butter-on-digestives fan myself.

Fed up of forgetting to water your plants? Get your neighbour to do it by simply pretend you are going on holiday, and then drive to the nearest lay-by to sleep in your car for a fortnight.

Yesterday 22:17 HerdsOfWilderbeest

Revisit your youth of ringing doorbells and then running away by becoming a DHL delivery driver.

I almost choked laughing at this

Bus driver asking you for anything smaller?
Simply fold the note in half and hand it back.

Evening all. We're going to move this to Classics in a tick. While you're waiting, my top tip seen in a magazine is as follows: 'When staying in a hotel, save money on lunch by taking a shower cap from the bathroom and filling it with fruit and pastries at breakfast.'
Voila! A shameful and disappointing meal on the go.

Mmm, shower cap snacks! Moist and warm and crushed in your bag!

Fantasy role play to spice things up: get your husband to redecorate your bedroom while you sleep so you can wake up confused about your whereabouts like an authentic hook up of your wasted youth.

Hit the menopause and have some unused sanitary products?
Don't stop at slippers. String a few tampons together for a bold statement necklace and bask in your friends' admiring glances.
(Moon cup pendant optional.)

Still loving this thread. So glad it has gone into classics

Do you get fed up needing to go for a wee in the early hours after a night on the town? Cut out the middle man, buy your drinks and then flush them straight down the loo.

Great thread

Lost a critical piece of Lego? Simply take off your shoes and socks and walk around, you will quickly find it when it becomes embedded in your foot

The tops off bic ballpoint pens make ideal Norman helmets for worms.

Rappers: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

Ispwichwitch your post about Norman helmets for worms strangely reminded me about a student I met at Uni who was talking about 'Actionman cabbages'. I really couldn't understand what he was on about until I twigged - brussel sprouts. His parents had never enlightened him. I am very careful about 'trees' with my DCs.

Convince your neighbours that you own a dog by playing a barking and growling sound effect, and then shouting "That's enough!!" every 10 minutes. For that extra piece de resistance, take a dump on their front lawn every other night.

at action man cabbages elephant

Ipswichwitch : the rappers . I snorted with laughter in an unattractive way, while feeling like the reincarnation of my wonderful Granny "why won't they just enunciate?"

Iggy I think your recording also ought to contain 'Get down' and the occasional 'In your bed'. As for the dumps vary them between the lawn and the front path. The front path one is especially good on a Sunday night so the neighbours or neighbour's children find it on Monday morning whilst rushing to get out of the house. It all adds to the authenticity.

Want to wean with less stress? Cook organic vegetables in no-salt stock and purée into a delicious homemade meal. Pour directly on to the floor, splatter on walls and tip a little on your head. If it contains oily fish ensure some gets behind the radiator. Continue this until your child starts school and can be reasonably expected to eat a meal without needing a shower and a mop.