Top tips thread aka the really useless tips thread

[Mycatsabastard]

Ensure your cake remains moist by eating the whole thing in one sitting

Add your own

[cheeseandmarmite15]

If you are attacked by a bear, play dead.

It will be good practice for when you actually die a couple of minutes later!

[elephantoverthehill]

Or alternatively Trash Don't have teenagers? Leave your sweaty trainers in the middle of the front room and spray liberally with Lynx. Also never buy any crisps so you don't ever have any in the larder.

[PolkadotsAndMoonbeams]

OhHolyFuck, please tell me you have the rest of that page. I need to know what Cassie does "heavily" to his "package when it pops out"!

Want a cat? Open the back door, close it, walk to the front, open it, close it and repeat.

[HerdsOfWilderbeest]

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

[cheeseandmarmite15]

Eat a few squares of toilet paper after every meal so that your bum will wipe itself!

[TwoLittleBlooms]

Cheese I actually do that with the cereal !

[HerdsOfWilderbeest]

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

[Whataboutwhathuh]

Need a quick way of cleaning up after nocturnals? Don't have a handy curtain?

[elephantoverthehill]

Erect a tent in the garden and live in it. The house will always be immaculate when you have visitors.

[HerdsOfWilderbeest]

Revisit your youth of ringing doorbells and then running away by becoming a DHL delivery driver.

[Stylingwax]

actually crying laughing at the shoe potato

[Wooterus]

Make friends think you can play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can.

[Mycatsabastard]

Save money by not buying special Breakfast biscuits.

Just have normal biscuits instead.

[elephantoverthehill]

Wooterus I am interested in this technique of feigning being a maestro. Will I need a plastic or a galvanised watering can?

[woodhill]

Loving this

[IggyPopsicle]

Save money on expensive cleaning products by simply moving house whenever it starts to look like a bit of a shit hole.

[ZansSerif]

I'm crying at the bum will wipe itself one, and the unlucky employees :o

One of my favourites ever from viz involved saving on electricity by not turning the bathroom light on when you go for a wee in the night. Instead, tie a string between the door handle and the toilet seat, then in the night simply straddle the string and slide along it to the toilet bowl.

[HoneyDragon]

Save £70 per week on groceries by simply purchasing a £4 chicken to feed your family for the duration instead.

[SoleBizzz]

Those slippers had me in stiches.

[Doinmummy]

This thread is hilarious

[elephantoverthehill]

The slippers needed a few stitches to put them together. Have you tried recreating this craft item SoleBizzz Bet you sneakily have had a go

[Doinmummy]

Pretend to be in a lift by painting numbers vertically inside your wardrobe, then stand in it and hum Carpenters songs

[BlobShop2]

We are sure to be seeing Cathy Stratton on the next Apprentice.

I bet she makes jewellery out of old yoghurt pots too.

[Wooterus]

elephantoverthehill Plastic is fine if it's all you have on hand, but I find that galvanised will give your performance a certain je ne sais quoi.

[Mycatsabastard]

Save money on buying sex toys by creating one out of an old toothbrush and some sandpaper.