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[DeadAsADildo]

(Inspired by another thread-posts may be entirely fictional)

My 10y old has never had a fizzy drink in his entire life.

I've just spent an hour driving around Waitrose car park. DH had taken the children out to do voluntary work so I thought I'd go and talk on my phone all around Waitrose without the children constantly asking for Pellegrino, but do you think I could find a parent and child place free? There was no way I was parking my 4x4 in a 'normal' space. Parents must understand, those spaces are a courtesy, not a right! There were loads of spaces at Asda next door, but you just don't, do you?

WWYD DD has passed her 11+ with flying colours and has the choice of all grammar schools in the county. I can't help feeling divided as I know grammars contribute to an unfair society. Also I worry that the pressure will mean her Grade 7 cello practice is disrupted. WWYD?

So I don't get accused of drip-feeding, DD is 3, nearly 4.

My sons refuse to wear any colour other than pink and they only play with dolls.

They recently walked into the local toy store and were so horrified by the separation of toys into boys and girls aisles, that they immediately demanded that the manager rearrange the store.

They then wrote to the Prime Minister to express their disgust at this sort of gender stereotyping, and he was so impressed with them that he has asked them to lead a government review into the subject.

He also offered them both seats in the House of Lords, but DS1 is worried about how he will fit it around school when he starts in September.

I was going to come on mn this evening but I was too busy batch cooking for Christmas. Luckily I managed to pick up something lovely for mil on our recent city beak, so that's the last of the Christmas shopping done and dusted!

That's nice *New
*
We're not actually doing presents this year. It will be an interesting way to teach the dcs delayed gratification by letting them have their presents next Christmas instead. We won't tell them in advance either, so that they will learn resilience through dealing with their initial disappointment. I'm sure they will be thankful by New Year as they all know we have their best interests at heart.

My dh was knocked down whilst cycling to work recently. Despite the fact that the lower half of his leg was missing, he didn't ring an ambulance, those are only for real emergencies. He popped the leg in his bag and hopped to minor injuries, which only took him six hours. I only found out about it when I arrived home from work that evening and checked the voicemail because I'm a professional person and I don't take personal phone calls in work.

I'm 65, with no wrinkles and a 23 inch waist, six pack and a thigh gap, never really exercised...just a gentle stroll a couple of times a week

I have an advanced driving licence.

I never pull out of a side road unless I have checked each mirror thirty seven times, got out of the car, walked around it clockwise, then anti-clockwise, and shouted "Is anyone on their way?" both ways down the road through a loud hailer.

I always drive exactly five miles an hour under the speed limit, and never drive before Easter if I have a drink on Christmas day.

I park only on my own drive. If I'm going into town, I drive into the town centre, then home again, park in my own drive and then walk back. Having said that, I only park on my own drive once I've double checked that none of the neighbours wish to do so. I'm just that considerate.

My refugee dog doesn't poo. I've trained it to pass little gift-wrapped parcels that double up as renewable fuel. I then distribute these as Winterval gifts.

It is trained to not only not acknowledge the presence of children, but will actually stop in its tracks if it senses the presence of anyone under the age of 16. It will then reverse back up the street into the house humming a soothing tune and maintaining eye-contact with said child so as not to elicit panic.

We donate all gifts to the shoe box appeal.

You do know the shoebox appeal is run by fundamentalist American Christians who think homosexuality is Satanic and ditto Islam, and use the boxes as a proselytising tool, even in Catholic countries? We donate the DC's party present toys to Barnardos. I mean, I'm sure they are awfully grateful for them.

We went non contact with my PIL because they once tried to feed my children chicken that had been left on the kitchen counter for 28 seconds between being removed from the fridge and put in the oven. MIL was offended when I insisted that if we were to visit again she had to present a copy of her food hygiene certification. Older people just don't understand the risks of food poisoning and if they aren't willing to follow our rules, we can't have them in our lives.

We sent the DCs to the nearest failing state school rather than going private so the other children can benefit from their advanced educational level. School dinners? Don't be silly! We prepare a clean-eating vegan lunch for them packed in organic wooden boxes that we picked up for a song from a blind beggar in Laos.

I've trained my pet lion to eat only vegetarian food
People are frightened of him which is quite funny because he's actually as soft and gentle as a kitten
Well yes he did maul some of the neighbours but they ought to know not to look him in the eye like that

I give all neighbours within a half mile radius one week's notice, in writing, before I switch my hoover on, in case I disturb them. It's basic manners really.

I threw my husband out of the house yesterday. He popped a large spot before I had a chance to video it.

I had my front garden paved over and turned into parking spaces for parents on the school run.

I earn £70k but still wear clothes that I bough 18 years ago from a charity shop.

DS aged 3 has translated all of Shakespeare into five languages.

£70k? Well, no wonder you wear clothes that are 18 years old. Everyone knows that £70k is barely keeping your head above water. DH and I earn £800k between us and people just don't understand how difficult it is to survive on such a paltry amount.

Or on the flipside...

DH and I earn 7k between us and we managed to privately educate all five of our children. People say they can't afford these things, but it's a case of priorities.

I would never go on holiday to a non-European country - I am blonde with blue eyes, I can't take the risk, people will constantly try to touch me.

I enjoy making derogatory and judgemental comments about anyone who wants to wear a swimsuit/dress rather than a revealing bikini - coz they must be fat right?

Our dog isn't even a refugee, we went to Greece & hand picked her as her coat matches our colour scheme.
My DH is a brain surgeon who only uses solar panels to power his equipment.
DS has just left university at 12 and starts work on Monday at one of those large investment banks.
We have a domestic who cleans the house, and a laundry woman who comes three times a week to collect washing and does it at home, so I don't even have a washing line. We have a gardener , and a large swimming pool, a gym with one of those rowing machines, like Kevin Spacey has in House of Cards, plus a top of the Aga & no less than 5 dishwashers!

Am I being unreasonable to be deeply offended and want to make a complaint about a supermarket cashier who didn't ask if I wanted an extra bag? I am literally sobbing and shaking with rage. Thinking of calling 101, please can I have a hand hold?

We had lunch in a restaurant yesterday and the children dropped some food on the floor.
Of course I had a broom and dustpan and brush with me and mopped the floor afterwards. Then I washed and dried the dishes and cleaned all the tables, it's only manners after all.

You've been quoted nearly £2000 for a new boiler?!
We were only charged £15 for a top of the range model and 19 radiators - and the plumber threw in a free swimming pool as well.
He also decorated the whole house and re-roofed it, all in 2 days.

We're not in the south east though.

You eat in restaurants? How can you be sure that the staff have all had a bath in antiseptic before coming to work? You can't. That is why I only eat food prepared at home in my hermetically sealed kitchen. No one is allowed to enter it unless they are wearing a full hazmat suit and breathing gear, thus protecting us from raw chicken and protecting the raw chicken from us breathing on it. It's basic hygiene really.