Post - wedding message ... please help me, what the hell do I say??

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I recently attended an ex-colleague's wedding where, in response to a request for cash gifts, I sent what I thought was a pretty decent cheque (£100 if it matters, though I can't help feeling it shouldn't)

Last night I received an email which opened with a few comments about how glad they were to see everybody and how generous they'd all been, then said "we were surprised that your contribution didn't seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received"

For someone who's not easily shocked I confess I'm utterly gobsmacked by this. So as not to drip feed I'll mention that "your own position" probably refers to a recent inheritance I've had, which maybe they expected something from (and this is an ex-colleague, remember, not a close friend or relative)

Please, anyone, what do I do now? I've never come across anything like this before and still can't quite believe they've done it - but since they have, should I reply, ring them, ignore it or what??

Seriously - get into the bank and cancel that cheque ASAP. How disgustingly rude

You should choose your friends more carefully, Screen wink. I'm Irish, and believe me; that's a greedy bastard thing, not an Irish thing.

I said I don't know if it's typical, but ThumbWitch has heard of this trend even if the amounts are different

I was really shocked when one of my friends who doesn't have much was talking about being invited to (not close) colleagues weddings and having to pay. When one of my colleagues invites work people it's usually cards only from individuals and a joint gift from everyone (£5/£10 each)

My friends aren't grabby, I could turn up to their weddings with the clothes on my back, they talk about what they have to bring to other people's weddings over there

Why on earth are they sending 'thank you' emails anyway?! How lazy. I spent a whole day writing personal thank you letters to the people who attended our wedding. It was the least I could flipping do.

Has she sent the email to any of your mutual friends who were at the wedding OP?

but can't help wondering if leaving them to their own appalling manners isn't the best option in the end?

Yes.
Absolutely.

Or email her a link to this thread

The OP's said now that the cheque has been cashed. No thanks at all - that is really shocking.

Screenshot, redact and send it on to Buzzfeed/Daily Fail/wherever and let them discover it when it goes viral. Weddings do strange things to people, but this really takes the cake!

That is so fucking rude.

I generally avoid confrontation but in this instance I would have to send something back.

Something about not actually being obliged to give a present and how she's undoubtedly lost a LOT of friends by being so rude!

And as an FYI I gave a nice photo frame the last wedding I went to as it cost me enough for everything else. £100 is a lot.

This is amazing OP.
I'm amused and horrified at their utter rudeness.

I think you should craft a very concerned and earnestly helpful email to them, explaining that you think someone has hacked into their email account or is pretending to be them, and that they have sent you an awful email, asking for a further contribution to the wedding present fund. Obviously you know that they didn't write the bizarre and outrageous message, so who did? Is everything OK etc.

Or just email them saying that you can't be friends with them anymore, because they are massive twats.

Matthew Wright are you reading this?

I would have to reply in order to find out how much money she expects you to shell out. Could you ask for a guideline figure before cutting her out of your life?

I have some doubts about the Irish rules being debated. We went to a family wedding in Ireland last year. Me, my DH and our two grown up, student DDs. AFter some debate we put €200 euro in the card. The thank you note thanked for our very generous gift..and I don't think they were being sarcastic.

Sorry but reading this post i can't help but wanna send her another card which says " I am so sorry you thought my gift was inadequate, silly me I just realised there was one more thing I was meaning to give you but forgot to take it with me on your big day, I hope this will now be considered an acceptable adjustment. Enjoy!" And send them this...

Bugger! Look, I'm old, just celebrated my 60th birthday and Silver Wedding anniversary. We didn't care what people gave us for our wedding, it was enough that people cared enough to be there to enjoy our day with us. I am currently organising a celebration for many things, which amount to 166 years, and there is no way we want gifts, but I am really upset that many of my family and friends who were at our wedding/have known me most of my life, cannot be arsed to make the effort to attend the party which we are hosting in a different country from where I was born and which I told them about almost a year ago. Some of them have good reasons. Others do not, and they are the ones with whom I am upset.
Your former colleague is being outrageous. Ignore her. Shame you can't cancel the cheque. Otherwise, just send another one for 1 penny, perhaps?

OP
You've got some great replies here
Please use at least some of them

Dum, have I got this right, you're upset that people won't attend a party in another country?

This is beyond outrageous. Cancel the cheque.

I have some doubts about the Irish rules being debated

I'm not arguing that the amounts I quoted are most typical. But the amount isn't what shocks me, it's that any amount is expected to "cover" you attendance.

Giving money is totally optional here, and usually given by older close relatives. it's not something everyone feels they have to do which is why people who WANT money write those god awful poems

twocultures
That's brilliant! pmsl

Apologise for your shortfall and ask how much she would like.

Cancel the £100 cheque.

Resend a cheque for 1p.

Again, I can't cancel the cheque as it was cashed very soon after the wedding. I certainly can't claim it was tampered with either - even if I said they'd added an extra zero to a "£10" figure in the box, I obviously wrote "one hundred pounds" in words and can hardly say I originally wrote "ten"

And what's this nonsense about journalism/he Daily Mail? It's one thing mentioning this on here, but there were a lot of people I respected at that wedding - I'm certainly not having myself plastered all over that

I also hope this is true and that your reply does the rounds on Facebook.

I'm imagining either the bride or groom posting on another forum somewhere, saying "We massively overspent on our wedding and now we don't have enough money to pay the final bills for it. How can we squeeze a bit more cash out of the guests without seeming too grabby?".

Obviously the other forum (which probably exists only in my head) gave them some really duff advice!

Is this true? I'm generally reasonably understanding of people's RL foibles, but I'd be cancelling the cheque. Or laughing in their faces at work - can you go into their office, and just ask if this is a late April Fool.

And then never speak to them again.

In fact, I wouldn't even worry about keeping the moral high ground because they have entered another stratosphere with their behaviour. Publically calling them out will still leave you on much higher ground than them, and that is saying something.