Post - wedding message ... please help me, what the hell do I say??

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I recently attended an ex-colleague's wedding where, in response to a request for cash gifts, I sent what I thought was a pretty decent cheque (£100 if it matters, though I can't help feeling it shouldn't)

Last night I received an email which opened with a few comments about how glad they were to see everybody and how generous they'd all been, then said "we were surprised that your contribution didn't seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received"

For someone who's not easily shocked I confess I'm utterly gobsmacked by this. So as not to drip feed I'll mention that "your own position" probably refers to a recent inheritance I've had, which maybe they expected something from (and this is an ex-colleague, remember, not a close friend or relative)

Please, anyone, what do I do now? I've never come across anything like this before and still can't quite believe they've done it - but since they have, should I reply, ring them, ignore it or what??

Jeez, Screenshotting, that's an outrageous sum!
All very well if you can actually afford that at the drop of a hat, but I know I certainly couldn't. I couldn't even afford what the OP has already given!

Personal attack, not person attack

Theimpossiblegirl, when I was at school there was a girl in my year with very wealthy parents. She decided to go on one of those rip-off gap years through some tour company who were charging something ridiculous like £7000 for teenagers to go pretend to build a school or something.

While all my friends were dogwalking, babysitting, holding cake sales etc to raise the funds for their gap years, this girl's parents decided to throw her this huge lavish party for her 18th birthday, where they invited a bunch of their rich friends who had probably never even met their daughter. Instead of gifts, guests were invited to make a contribution towards her gap year fund.

She made the whole lot in that one evening, and then some. And of course, if her parents hadn't already been so bloody rich to begin with they never would have been able to pull it off.

Email back and say that you are quite right and so as to not offend you any further with my gift I have cancelled the cheque.

Not quite - in Ireland its 150 per couple usually. 200+ if its a close family member (brother/sister) or best friend. 100 for a single person. And you dont need any other gift.

I dont know anyone who gives 300! More fool them!

Given that you cannot cancel a cashed cheque (and I would assume they already have), go to the bank and claim that the cheque was tampered with as you only wrote it for £10.

Oh well, at least it's not just me then ... I completely understand if some have trouble believing this as I'm struggling to myself, but I'm not in the habit of making things up and unfortunately I've got it in black and white in front of me (salient bit was quoted). Much as I'd like to, I can't pretend it doesn't exist

To answer some questions, no there's no chance of cancelling the cheque as it was cashed quickly. There was no mention of thanks in the email or at any other time. I attended on my own, though obviously there were people I knew there. I wondered myself if it was meant for someone else, except that hardly makes it any better

The B&G are English so no unexpected cultural issues. She's always been a bit gabby about what she's got/wants, but I honestly didn't see this coming. She knew about the inheritance before the invitations went out (and yes, the obvious connection's occurred to me) She definitely wrote the email - I worked with her long enough to recognise her writing style

The wedding was at a local country house style hotel - a nice do, but not massively flash. I was told on the grapevine that the groom's parents paid for a lot of it, though to be fair I don't know this for a fact. I can't put it on Facebook as I closed my account ages ago

In all honesty it's hard to trust myself to reply, though I rather like the idea of sending £1000 and "forgetting" to sign it - but what if she forged my signature?!! I suppose I might mention it to mutual friends, but can't help wondering if leaving them to their own appalling manners isn't the best option in the end?

I think the "was this email meant for me" route is the way to go - feign ignorance and make her cringe!

Jeez, Screenshotting, that's an outrageous sum!

I don't know how typical it is but my friends talk about it like it's totally normal.
I get the impression that it's seen as almost a community savings type deal: you give €150 every time you go to a wedding, then you have a wedding and "get back" a big lump sum from all the people you've paid into before.

Which is a bit silly, if everyone just kept heir €150s and put them in accounts that earn interest everyone would be better off!

I don't know who the hell your friends are Screen, obviously, but I'm Irish and I've never heard of that in my life.

I found a dress and shoes and chose a bag
I teetered into church, no need to blag
Decorously I smiled, and wiped a tear
When 'you may kiss the bride' smote 'pon my ear
I tossed a fist of flutt'ring confet-ti
And clapped, rejoicing in your matrimony

A slip of paper poked into a card
A gen'rous token of my kind regard
For you, and then we feasted fit to burst
And whiled the night away, watching your first
Dance.

So life goes on, back to what I know
Travel, toil, and stop and start and go
Until I find a message from you both
When reading it I utter a coarse oath

My generosity is coldly spurned!
The cash that I have given you I earned
I see now that for greed you are unmatched
I fear now that our friendship can't be patched

I shall oblige you, and retract my gift
Away from me I implore you to drift

And yet one small thing still I do request
Funeral expenses, as a small bequest
For our dead acquaintanceship.

(Please find bill enclosed)

I wouldn't trust myself to reply either OP.
Are you likely to bump into your ex colleague in the future?

Can you cancel the cheque?

As the cheque has already been cashed I would be inclined to ignore the e-mail altogether. It is unbelievably cheeky.

Name and shame and claim fraud at the bank.

You should choose your friends more carefully, Screen . I'm Irish, and believe me; that's a greedy bastard thing, not an Irish thing.

Not quite - in Ireland its 150 per couple usually. 200+ if its a close family member (brother/sister) or best friend. 100 for a single person. And you dont need any other gift.

That's still a lot! especially if it's not felt to be entirely optional.

Puzzled don't send and unsigned cheque - there's every chance it might go through.

My dad once accidentally wrote a cheque on my brother's cheque book (different names) and it went through.

You could reactivate your account in a flash though, just for the five minutes it took to write something incredibly passive agressive on her wall..........

"Hi Mary, just got your email - I'm REALLY sorry my £100 wedding gift wasnt enough - mortifying! I'm sending a further cheque in the post as you requested. SO EMBARRESSED. {blush emoji}"

Then send a perfectly signed cheque for 10p.

Oh I think this would be worth reopening your Facebook account, OP. So you went alone and gave £100? Would you be able to ask other friends what they gave?

I think I'd reply saying you think they've emailed the wrong person. 'This message can't have been intended for me, as I gave you £100 and you can't possibly be telling me that that's not enough? I'm not sure which guest you meant to message, but I thought I should point out your mistake.'
Only a massive arsehole would reply saying that yes, they did mean £100 is not good enough. Although she's already proved that she is one by not thanking you.

Hang on, hang on, you gave £100, one hundred British Pound Sterling, to acquaintances and they are moaning about it??!

I am aghast.
My ghast has been well and truly flabbered.

I so would cancel the cheque.
Without any further comment.
And I would cut them out of my life in every way practical.

I would reply and say that, following her unbelievablely rude email the only adjustment you'd like to make would be to have cancelled the cheque but, as that isn't possible due to her haste in cashing it, you'll settle for never having contact with her again.

This will be in the Daily Mail tomorrow

I am

What goes on in someone's mind that they think that is acceptable? It really intrigues me as to the rest of their character - what sort of TV do they watch/what are their political views/what do they do on a weekend, that sort of thing.