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Original poster

Post - wedding message ... please help me, what the hell do I say??

1019 replies

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/05/2016 12:28

I recently attended an ex-colleague's wedding where, in response to a request for cash gifts, I sent what I thought was a pretty decent cheque (£100 if it matters, though I can't help feeling it shouldn't)

Last night I received an email which opened with a few comments about how glad they were to see everybody and how generous they'd all been, then said "we were surprised that your contribution didn't seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received"

For someone who's not easily shocked I confess I'm utterly gobsmacked by this. So as not to drip feed I'll mention that "your own position" probably refers to a recent inheritance I've had, which maybe they expected something from (and this is an ex-colleague, remember, not a close friend or relative)

Please, anyone, what do I do now? I've never come across anything like this before and still can't quite believe they've done it - but since they have, should I reply, ring them, ignore it or what??

OP posts:
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SnoozeButtonAbuser · 06/05/2016 13:55

That's the rudest thing I've ever heard! And £100 was massively generous, especially to an ex-work colleague, bloody hell. I think I would be super nice and apologetic to try to get her to send the £100 back somehow, on the promise of a more suitable replacement, and once you got it back, the replacement is 1p or a picture of your middle finger or arse. But I suspect there's no chance of her giving back the money in the hopes of more, as she knows she's rude as fuck, she's just thought 'what have I got to lose'. Obviously a friend, but that's clearly of no consequence to her. I would tell all your mutual friends as well, just so they don't waste any more money on the grabby gits.

CrazyDuchess · 06/05/2016 13:56

puzzled the daily mail/Mathew Wright have formed for taking threads of mumsnet and using them - hence the references.

If you don't want it to come up MNHQ may move it to OTBT maybe??

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 06/05/2016 13:57

puzzledandpissedoff

change your username to something like puzzledandpissedoffandthemailarecunts

otherwise you might find your thread screenshotted and posted in lieu of real journalism

diddl · 06/05/2016 13:57

Well she wasn't so pissed off that she didn't probably just about trip over herself to cash it, was she?

I'd def reactivate a FB account!

I can't belive that some people are so unaware.

I'd love to ask her how much she thinks that you should "adjust" by!

I can't believe that some people think that you should cover the cost of the meal.

The meal we had with the people that we wanted there was just part & parcel of our cost of celebrating our wedding as we wanted to.

Not some expense to be recouped!

Middleclassmumnetter · 06/05/2016 13:57

This is jaw dropping, she should be ashamed. You know what to 'adjust' it to.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 06/05/2016 13:58

What's OTBT?

acatcalledjohn · 06/05/2016 13:58

But they could have taken your cheque, duplicated it down to the details on it (cheque numbers etc) and then used the original to copy your handwriting and signature.

origamiwarrior · 06/05/2016 13:59

Just reply and say (with no preamble or sign-off, i.e no 'Dear Jane' or anything)

Is this email for real?

I don't think the 'Is this email meant for me' response is appropriate because, as you've identified, the email is not acceptable for anyone, even if they only gave £5.

Bogeyface · 06/05/2016 13:59

I favour the "Here is a cheque tightly rolled for you to ram up your arse" suggestion made above.

Mrskeats · 06/05/2016 13:59

Rudest thing ive ever heard
Please cancel cheque and buy us all cakes

PacificDogwod · 06/05/2016 14:00

I got married in the UK, not the country of my origin.
My family and friends made a massive effort to be there on our big day and I was so, so touched and happy that they did.
Any present they gave us was entirely optional and the smallest candle holder was much appreciated.

Grabby and greedy is really an understatement here.

On reflection, I think I might email "You MUST be kidding?!" back to her with no other comment and then never speak to them again.

Please tell us how you will react to this once you have decided Grin

whois · 06/05/2016 14:00

I think you should reply and try and find out how much they think is appropriate!!

LineyReborn · 06/05/2016 14:01

OP can't cancel the cheque.

She has said twice that it has been cashed.

LadyReuleaux · 06/05/2016 14:01

thatorchidmoment :o

"Away from me I implore you to drift"

Best line of poetry ever and something I would like to say to a number of acquaintances/relatives.

acatcalledjohn · 06/05/2016 14:01

Or just go back with a:

"I am so sorry for the oversight. Please do let me know how much you deem reasonable to gift and I will ensure I get this issue sorted urgently."

Sorting the issue of course would be plastering their response anywhere public to show them for the grabby cunts they are.

vvviola · 06/05/2016 14:02

On the how-much-to-give-in-Ireland tangent. While the €100 per person, €150 per couple is usual. It's not expected. When I got married (right at the height of the Celtic tiger craziness) a few gave that, a few chose off the wedding list (which had values from €10 and up), and one lovely friend who had saved for 6 months to be able to come, and who couch surfed for accommodation, gave me, DH, baby DD, matching socks in the colours of the country where I had met her (and DH). I can tell you which present made me smile every time I saw them...

ShiftyFades · 06/05/2016 14:03

I wondered if your cheque had fallen out and this was her "having a go" for not giving her anything, but you say the cheque has been cashed Shock

A simple reply,"you actually think that £100 is not enough? Why?"

Don't say anymore, don't lower yourself to being rude, get her to justify why an ex colleagues gift of £100 isn't enough. Angry

I can't believe it!

Rollinginthevalley · 06/05/2016 14:04

I think you just have to talk to your colleague. When you've calmed down (I'd be incandescent in your shoes) could you speak to her, 'more in sorrow than anger' - seriously - give her some obviously much-needed life advice. That what she has done is not just the height of bad manners, but is seriously damaging to her and her reputation.

If you say all this in a concerned voice with a maybe she might take some notice.

You've got nothing to lose, because there's no way you'd want to keep her as even an acquaintance after such behaviour.

CrazyDuchess · 06/05/2016 14:04

Off the beaten track - another part of the forum

origamiwarrior · 06/05/2016 14:05

What is most horrifying about this is the time that has clearly been spent by the bride/groom to write that very carefully worded sentence. It's REALLY well crafted and well written, not something you'd dash off in a hurry. This is a cold, calculated move.

ElspethFlashman · 06/05/2016 14:05

screenshot money has always been a really popular gift here. It means people dont have to put any thought into a gift whatsoever! That's why it's pretty open (and liinyo that's why they were grateful - they were expecting 150 max, particularly as you'd travelled so far just to share their day). People can budget accordingly and it's all pretty obvious.

If you actively don't want money you do a wedding list in a shop and ask people to use that for gifts instead. Simples.

It's not grabby when your guests are going to do it anyway!

It actually seems to make less complicated as you don't get these butthurt brides who had bizarre expectations that are completely outside the cultural norm!

FlyingElbows · 06/05/2016 14:05

I suspect this will already have been swiped the watching journos and researchers. If that's not your bag, op, then I'd suggest dignified silence and an end to your association. Block and delete as the young ones say! Or something like that.

lcoc2015 · 06/05/2016 14:05

Yes agree "in Ireland its 150 euro per couple usually. 200+ if its a close family member (brother/sister) or best friend. 100 for a single person. And you dont need any other gift"

As one of the other posters mentioned it is quite a lot. I've often turned down wedding invites as can't quite cover the cost of hotel, hen, clothing plus gift. I wouldn't attend and not give the cash gift as i know people budget assuming they'll get at least 50 euro per person back in cash. Very impolite but have also heard a number of convos about people not giving gifts or giving very small cash amounts so wouldnt like to be talked of like that.

When i dont attend i would send a small physical gift as a wedding present.

Weddings in Ireland tend to be ridiculously expensive affairs often running to 2 days these days.

momb · 06/05/2016 14:06

'What amount do you feel would adequately reflect the warmth of my good wishes? My pen is poised over my chequebook.'

Meanwhile I'd be contacting some of the others who were at the wedding to ask who else received an email (because if you got one having given £100 I suspect most people will have got one).

eitak22 · 06/05/2016 14:07

I would email back but BCC any mutual friends in so they are able to see the email for themselves or send a glitter bomb as the extra :P

That is entitled and grabby. It;s a gift not an obligation and many people wouldn't have given so much to an ex colleague.

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