Post - wedding message ... please help me, what the hell do I say??

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I recently attended an ex-colleague's wedding where, in response to a request for cash gifts, I sent what I thought was a pretty decent cheque (£100 if it matters, though I can't help feeling it shouldn't)

Last night I received an email which opened with a few comments about how glad they were to see everybody and how generous they'd all been, then said "we were surprised that your contribution didn't seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received"

For someone who's not easily shocked I confess I'm utterly gobsmacked by this. So as not to drip feed I'll mention that "your own position" probably refers to a recent inheritance I've had, which maybe they expected something from (and this is an ex-colleague, remember, not a close friend or relative)

Please, anyone, what do I do now? I've never come across anything like this before and still can't quite believe they've done it - but since they have, should I reply, ring them, ignore it or what??

Bloody hell! I really can't believe this! I've only ever given 50 pounds from us as a couple if invited to the day bit and a bottle of champagne if just the night do. Most of the weddings we have been to have cost us a bloody fortune with travel and hotel etc.

Is that really a thing??? Do people choose who they invite to their wedding based on what they can gain??

It's an honest question from someone who has never been married

Crazy thinking back there have been a couple of (family) weddings that I have been too that may well have been cash grabs judging by the guest lists. And my mother recently got invited to the wedding of her cousins daughter, who she hasnt seen since the dd was born 30 odd years ago and lives miles and miles away. It included the "give us money" poem and mum declined the invite and sent a cheque, as I suspect the cousins daughter was hoping she would. I tried to talk her out of it but she wouldnt be swayed.

No, that definitely isn't the norm crazyduchess but the bride here seems to be particularly greedy and grabby

I am just stunned

This is definitely going to get picked up by the Daily Fail!

CrazyDuchess No, HTH. This business of Euros at Irish weddings is stopping me short, too! There is a tradition at Cypriot (NOT Greek) weddings that envelopes containing money are pinned on the bride. But actually, that may be at engagement parties, not weddings - sorry, only been to one Cypriot wedding, where my fiance at the time was asked to be best man the night before as the original best man was sick. The question the groom asked was "Do you have a suit?" He forebore to mention that now DH would be expected to fork out large envelopefuls of money to pay the priest, the church, the church attendants and Uncle Tom Cobbley and all - luckily now DH had loads of cash on him!

Reply with a friendly tone, and ask them to return the cheque to you. Then block them forever more.

i would love to know how much she was expecting. i'd ask her how much entertainment value she thinks her wedding was?

I reckon she will reply - she won't be able to stop herself; something along the lines of

"No, the email is not a mistake, weddings are very expensive to host and our venue charged £100 per head to allow us to give all guests the incredible experience that we did. You certainly said on the day you had a lovely time (I think you even told me that it was an 'amazing wedding') so we naturally were hoping that your gift would reflect the effort we put into giving you such a great day, especially since we're aware that money is not an issue for you, given your recent windfall"

I can't get my head round the thought processes that caused your ex colleague to come up with this... I almost hope this thread does get used by the lazy fuckers on the DM and that she's a DM reader!

I agree with origami. The bride and groom will try to justify the request by trying to make you feel guilty.

I'm also Irish and I think some people have the wrong impression of Irish brides/weddings. It is certainly more usual here to give cash as a gift now - in our circle average would be €200 per couple for friend, €300+ for sibling. However at our wedding we did also receive non monetary gifts,and gifts of larger and smaller amounts, and all were gratefully received. In relation to "afters" invites, personally we didn't bother as we had quite a small wedding - by Irish standards - about 120 for the meal, but some people especially if it's a local wedding do invite people like neighbours, colleagues, more distant relations etc, who they might not have room for at the meal but would like to include in some way. This is usually for the band/dj/finger food later. Again we haven't gone to many afters,not as common in our group, but I'd guess we'd give a gift rather than cash if so. I certainly don't think being invited to afters is an insult, just there does have to be a limit somewhere in terms of numbers.

Anyway, back to OP, cheeky cheeky cheeky. Least she is an ex colleague and you don't have to see her anymore!

Oh yes, and if she replies with something outrageous you should send a breezy response: 'If you're dissatisfied with the amount I gave, here are my BACS details so you can return it and I'll come up with a more suitable sum.'

Which will be zero, obviously.

'They were American, and there were plenty of Americans saying the couple were perfectly within their rights to call out the guests on their bad manners as it is the done thing to cover the cost of your food and drink with your gift. '

The wedding was in Canada/Canadian guests and the couple are European. But here we go again with the cultural assumptions.

Puzzled these people are utter wankbadgers. It's too bad they cashed the cheque.

Oooh origami you're far too good at that... I can well imagine a reply along those lines given the tone of the original email!

Also another thing to note about Irish weddings - if you're unemployed expectations of a monetary gift are basically zero.

What's all this 'Irish weddings' shite?

We are actually individuals who, wait for it, do things differently to each other.

Totally not placemarking to see if OP gets a response... I am just at the audacity...

Great reply. I would be tempted to send another: 'Oh Friend, I have been thinking about your email and am so embarrassed. What amount did you think suitable?'

Then post her a cheque for ten million pounds and sign it Micky Mouse.

It truly doesn't matter about offending this cheeky, greedy mare. It's not as if she is your friend any more, is it? And definitely reinstate your FB and post it there with a query as to how much other people think you should have given. This woman deserves public shaming.

And I would be sorely tempted to send her a link to this thread.

I am completely gobsmacked by this and not at all marking my place to see if she replies to your reply

*What's all this 'Irish weddings' shite?

We are actually individuals who, wait for it, do things differently to each other.*

Indeed walter

I'm amazed at all this "word got back to me/I've heard of people being talked about as being cheap". I already told my sock story up the thread, but I've yet to hear anyone criticise what a guest at their wedding gave (even if it was nothing at all) with the exception of the weird plate/ugly glasses that a random aunt gave, but I think they are a right of passage to be honest

Some weddings and brides did go a bit off the rails during the Celtic Tiger years. But most people were still pretty normal.

This:

Sorry that you thought us stingy,
But your email's rather whingy.
On the whole, I must conclude,
Better tight than fucking rude.

Is a classic!

How very odd - it is so rude as to be beyond belief. I would certainly cancel the cheque if you still can. This has to be a wind-up - it is not possible that anyone could be so ungrateful.

My nephew has just married and we sent him £50 towards his honeymoon. It seemed reasonable to us, according to our financial situation and the fact that we have not seen him since he was a tot. Have we had a thank you? - no.

I don't know if she'll reply - obviously I'll share if she does - but even if this was raised, I don't quite see how I could have given an amount based on whether I enjoyed the wedding or what it cost? After all I wrote that cheque beforehand and took it with me, so how could I have known?

Anyway I'm seeing some folk over the weekend who were also at the wedding, so I'll do a bit of gentle fishing around whether they've heard from her recently. Frankly I'm not convinced I want to know, but the curiosity's killing me now ... if others have received this, I don't know if that'll make me feel better or worse