I've left the children (8 and 4 respectively ) home alone.

[ShowOfHands]

According to them anyway.

DH has gone to the bank. I'm in the bath. We did tell them both of these facts but they clearly weren't listening.

DS started searching for us 15 minutes ago and indignantly declared we've gone out. They've noticed the bikes are no longer on the stair wall (taken down so we can redecorate) and think we've gone on a bike ride without them.

They are making a lunch together for later. DS has armed them both with a plastic sword for protection.

Our bathroom is downstairs and I'm around 4 feet away from them.

They've got torches, spare batteries, lunch and plastic weapons. They're going to build a den under the table and "sit tight". If we don't appear by lunch time, they're phoning grandma.

That is so lovely.

Loved reading this. Thank you SOH!

Think this is my favourite post in a long time!

even when I'm in the airing cupboard with a chocolate bar

In our house, it's under the stairs with a gingerbread man

mix56, you sound resourceful. I'll have an earl grey if you're feeling the need to ensure the survival of this particularly harried MNer.

My great grandma was a formidable woman. She was born in 1889 and had the most remarkable life which I only found out about after she had died. My overriding memory of her is inextricably linked with her characterful pigs. She used to keep them though for what purpose I'm unsure. She didn't eat them and they never hunted a truffle in their lives. They were just pets I think. They used to come when called though and they could roll over, beg and balance food on their noses and catch it. I'm not entirely sure they weren't dogs in sow suits. Malcolm should hang his beak in shame. He's a useless little wazzock.

I'm very much enjoying your tales of crazy animals. I'm sorry Jings is disappointed. I am too if I'm honest. I mean nobody's flopped a tumescent penis in a lurid sex beaker to the soundtrack of delighted peals of laughter and splutters of drinks across ruined keyboards. It's atrocious really. I've let you all down.

I'm off to mow the lawn. I'll let you know if Malcolm dive bombs the mower blades. I'm imagining a really shit sequel to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Only in Norfolk. With a demented blackbird and nobody's in a billowing white nightie, screaming.

SOH. apparently my mother dines out on the tea story, however when she told me, I thought; OK, cup of tea resourceful.... but what about the gas & boiling water ?....
Ye Gods

When I was a kid, my sister and I had left some French skipping elastic out in the garden one day. A blackbird picked it up and flew off with it, presumably to put in its nest! It was hanging quite a way down beneath it, I do worry that after it flew out of site it got caught on something and was twanged through the air..

Your kids and the crazy Malcolm bird sound great OP. Really enjoyed this post. Thanks.

Just read the main parts of this thread. So lovely - your children sound adorable.

KEVIN