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Original poster

I've left the children (8 and 4 respectively ) home alone.

134 replies

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 09:29

According to them anyway.

DH has gone to the bank. I'm in the bath. We did tell them both of these facts but they clearly weren't listening.

DS started searching for us 15 minutes ago and indignantly declared we've gone out. They've noticed the bikes are no longer on the stair wall (taken down so we can redecorate) and think we've gone on a bike ride without them.

They are making a lunch together for later. DS has armed them both with a plastic sword for protection.

Our bathroom is downstairs and I'm around 4 feet away from them.

They've got torches, spare batteries, lunch and plastic weapons. They're going to build a den under the table and "sit tight". If we don't appear by lunch time, they're phoning grandma.

OP posts:
Gide · 30/04/2016 19:42

Demented bluetit at my DH's work has been dementedly trying to get in through the window/door all day. It's a police station. I wonder what he wants to hand himself in for?

Kit2015 · 30/04/2016 19:42

I also nominate for classics! This has really brightened my day. Thanks OP!

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 19:46

Blue toy? Tit! My phone is such a prude.

Sadly, much as I love birds, I think they're all a bit witless aren't they?

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 30/04/2016 19:57

Outside the window of a classroom, in which I taught, every year there would be a couple of pigeons bonking on a wall every spring. It brought many a class to a chaotic standstill. Luckily when the pigeon couple decided to use the skylight I was teaching sixth form so we could have a good laugh. If Malcolm had been around then it would have brought a stop to the pigeons' disruptive behaviour.

Cathpot · 30/04/2016 20:22

I'm very pleased to get a proper ID on loony ex-Rook, thanks, particularly as th rest of his family live in the big tree at the end of our garden . I think he was eventually 'relocated' by the caretaker when he started landing on children in the playground. Just realised I accused him of liking stationary which he rarely was, rather than stationery. I did once resort to a bribery exit-hobnob as I had 3 serious minded post grads in from the local uni helping us with a project, and the lesson plan wasn't going to survive 34 hysterical year 9s waving paper at a demented bird.

Cathpot · 30/04/2016 20:25

I can also offer an inappropriate animal behaviour story in that one drizzly afternoon in a Welsh zoo I was wanked at by a sooty mangabey.

Sometimes my children nag me for a pet. I say no.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 30/04/2016 20:58

Some birds are a bit witless but our blue tit sounds just like Gide's Dh's blue tit. Repeatedly trying to get in through the same closed window. How many days of constant tapping at the glass does it take for them to realise it's not going to happen?

I once left some Lego spread out on a towel on the lawn to dry after a washing session. A jackdaw took a bit. (A yellow 2 x 3 stud brick for those who need to know these things.)

OP, your thread has changed subject but is still hilarious. How are the DC? Did they put themselves to bed?

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 21:14

They're both still up actually. They're under a blanket together singing along to Les Miserables. They think the blanket means I can't see them. I'm going to chase them up the stairs in a minute.

OP posts:
MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 30/04/2016 21:15

Aww, they sound really cute.

Ringsender2 · 30/04/2016 21:33

Another inappropriate animal story. Our local zoo has very cute pygmy marmosets. On previous visits, they'd come over to the glass, so we could marvel at their tiny little hands and general cuteness. On this particular visit there were about 5 or more of these little guys up on one if their perching shelves, all with massive erections (their penises are very large in proportion to their bodies, and very pink), and with more than one masturbating furiously. We moved swiftly on.

Great post OP and other posters' stories.

underrugsswept · 30/04/2016 21:40

Is it too late to offer up an obese pigeon? He totters about on the top of our fence looking like a drunk Henry VIII. We're moving soon and I might have to birdnap him so he can join us. I'm not sure it'll be home without him.

Doobydoo · 30/04/2016 21:45

Lovely thread. Thanks OP

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 22:02

Never too late for an obese pigeon.

Masturbating marmosets, well I never.

They have tortoises at a local attraction and they can be quite frisky. However, the female getting pissed off with the heavy and hopeful breathing in her ear and flipping her mate onto his back is bloody funny.

OP posts:
lavenderbongo · 30/04/2016 22:23

We have a mad Fantail that keeps viciously attacking our kitchen window. Not sure why. But he is very noisy and cross about it!

I've left the children (8 and 4 respectively ) home alone.
PixieChops · 30/04/2016 22:32

We used to have 3 magpies that would terrorise my pet rabbit if he was out of his hutch. They'd sit on the fence and cackle to each other and then they'd take it in turns to fly down, prance about behind him and then pull his tail with their beaks. He shit himself every time they did it.
I used to wait and keep our dog nice and quiet at the back door and then let him loose on the little bastards. He's a bit of a shit dog though, always used to get over excited and ended up chasing his own tail rather than the magpies in the end.
One of the magpies was a lot fatter than the other two and would always be in the middle. Think he was their Beyoncé to their Destinys Child.

JingsAndCrivens · 01/05/2016 02:37

Sheesh. The standard required to make Classics has gone right down.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 01/05/2016 08:44

Collared doves in our case, birds so stupid they'll nestbuild in open windows, dwarf bay trees, and last year on the car.

GrandMarmoset · 01/05/2016 10:29

OP please write a book. We'd all buy it.

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts · 01/05/2016 10:30

Please do feel free to start your own funny/sweet/memorable thread that you feel meets the appropriate standard then Jings

OP your DC sound like solid wee preppers to me. I have a demented chaffinch that visits my kitchen window on a daily basis and pecks at the glass to say hello.

awesomeness · 01/05/2016 10:31

if I wander off

the eldest 13, texts me

dd1 7 is like a mum seeking missile and can find me anywhere (even when I'm in the airing cupboard with a chocolate bar)

and dd2 2 will just carry the cats around playing babies and might wonder where I am when she gets hungry

exLtEveDallas · 01/05/2016 10:51

We've had a number of cheeky non-pets.

First was Schnellyhedge the hedgehog that came to us in our first home. He used to headbutt the back door until we came out and fed him dog food. He could get through a can in a couple of days. One day I went outside for a fag just as he was on his approach. He didn't take kindly to waiting for his supper so started headbutting my feet and growling at me. I went back inside to get his food, turned around and he was in the middle of my kitchen - I swear he would have sat up and begged if he could. Then there was the day he invited his extended family to his party...

At our next house we had 3 wild ducks that had claimed our garden as their own. We had a small dog then and they would terrorise her if she dared to go out for a wee when they were there. They used to steal her waterbowls in the summer and a number of times we found them swimming in DDs paddling pool.

In Cyprus we had a street cat. She didn't belong to anyone but was fed by about 10 families. She made her bed under DHs barbeque (a stone built thing with shelves underneath). We had to check very carefully whenever we wanted to use it. She used to jump on top of anyone in the hammock and dig her claws in them until they left. She was very good at catching cockroaches though so she was forgiven.

AwkwardAnnie · 01/05/2016 11:20

Your kids sound very much like mine. I was geocaching with my kids a couple of weeks ago, they're 8 & 4 too. We got to one bit where it was incredibly windy and DS (4) could barely stand up (neither could I to be honest). The cache was in a tricky area a few feet away. I didn't fancy taking them closer to the cache as it could have been a bit risky with the wind and there was some climbing/clambering to do so I got them to sit behind a wall out of the wind while I went to grab it. I told them to sit still and I'd be about 5 minutes.
When I got back they'd been discussing what they were going to do if I'd left them or if I'd fallen and died.

I was hoping they become all Famous Five and find a way to rescue me and get help.

No... They decided they'd be fine as they'd realised they'd got crisps each a bun and drinks in the rucksack I'd left with them.

No thoughts for my safety. Everything is fine so long as their bellies are full... Cue a conversation about what they could actually do in the event of an accident.

IlPorcupinoNilSodomyEst · 01/05/2016 11:31

Demented blue tit here too!

I've left the children (8 and 4 respectively ) home alone.
XIIILC · 01/05/2016 12:19

Pigeons like to brawl on my windowsill. It usually ends up with one gigantic alpha pigeon slamming the smaller pigeons heads into the window panes while my African Grey parrot shouts and eggs them on while my son runs around waving his arms about shouting "pidgeys!"

mix56 · 01/05/2016 12:43

When I was 4, my mum said she was "out" doing something (washing line?) & I decided in the interim I needed a cup of tea, (later, when questioned , "were you frightened ?" I replied, "Daddy usually comes home at 1.30"
anyway, in order to make tea, I had to light the gas stove with a wicker & boil the kettle on the stove standing on a chair, put tea leaves in teapot, fetch the milk & cup & saucer. Successfully (& apparently unharmed !)
so It's true, tea fixes everything