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Original poster

I've left the children (8 and 4 respectively ) home alone.

134 replies

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 09:29

According to them anyway.

DH has gone to the bank. I'm in the bath. We did tell them both of these facts but they clearly weren't listening.

DS started searching for us 15 minutes ago and indignantly declared we've gone out. They've noticed the bikes are no longer on the stair wall (taken down so we can redecorate) and think we've gone on a bike ride without them.

They are making a lunch together for later. DS has armed them both with a plastic sword for protection.

Our bathroom is downstairs and I'm around 4 feet away from them.

They've got torches, spare batteries, lunch and plastic weapons. They're going to build a den under the table and "sit tight". If we don't appear by lunch time, they're phoning grandma.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 15:01

Our lives are blighted by this blackbird. We can't decide if it fell out of a tree and hit every branch on the way down, flew into a window or is possessed by a demonic spirit. This morning he was quite happy dive bombing a pair of copulating pigeons. We thought it safe to garden. We were wrong. He hears us unlock the shed, sees us retrieving forks and he's off. He dive bombs, clings to your clothes and generally flails about until you hand feed him worms. He is the most bedraggled, balding and swivel-eyed bird in existence. We call him Malcolm. As in "FFS Malcolm". He's out there now I can see him. Just waiting.

OP posts:
Yoksha · 30/04/2016 15:16

This thread is awsome. Proper lifted my spirits. My Dh is the "man-child" who goes from room to room shouting for me. It really grated my carrot until I read this thread. Maybe he has latent attachment issues not yet addressed

The demented blackbird is priceless. Reminded me of when one of our cats (now dead) used to get dive-bombed in the garden from birds because she was always stalking them.

What resourceful/robust adorable children you have OP.

GraysAnalogy · 30/04/2016 15:21

This thread is brilliant

TheHobbitMum · 30/04/2016 15:32

I need a Malcolm 😂

Scone1nSixtySeconds · 30/04/2016 15:38

I love MNing in the bath - you just need two zip up food bags to make it nice and water safe!

DixieNormas · 30/04/2016 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 15:46

We have a 1200mm bath. It's like sitting in a warm puddle. If you drop your phone it just bounces off the island that is your cold, exposed flesh.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 15:49

I'll go and see where Malcolm is in a bit. He won't pose though. He's more likely to nick my phone and abuse it into submission. The cats here are terrified of him.

OP posts:
FucksSakeMargaret · 30/04/2016 15:54

Iam exactly the same happened in my village last year. We had a friend staying and he was accosted by some locals because he was a stranger and looked suspicious.

Verticalvenetianblinds · 30/04/2016 16:09

Eagerly awaiting more Malcolm stories or a picture!

Side note: have unseen the Kevin the cunt videos? He's an Australian goat, he'd get on well with malcolm

Sootica · 30/04/2016 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Defnotsupergirl · 30/04/2016 16:28

I've just looked at the Kevin videos on YouTube -fantastic! Grin

ArmfulOfRoses · 30/04/2016 17:31

This is such a lovely thread Smile

Cocolepew · 30/04/2016 17:49

Lovely thread Smile

At DHs work they have a demented seagull. It divebombs everyone coming across the carpark, and steals cigarettes from people out for a smoke break.
DH was very smug because he rides a motorcycle and keeps his helmet on.
One day DSG sat on top of it and pecked the visor with DH running across the yard screaming, with bird shit running down the back of his leathers.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 30/04/2016 17:57
Grin
Cathpot · 30/04/2016 18:08

We had a demented Rook at the school I worked at which used to tap at the window until the kids let it in. Cue lesson stopping carnage as it flew about trying to steal stationary. It liked post it notes so sometimes it would leave if you have it some. A colleague had to wrestle a coursework exam from it. I think it briefly had its own Facebook page. I live nearby and was having a quite cup of tea at the weekend when it flew over and landed on my head. It was a surreal moment as I was on my own so had no one there I could say 'look at this bird on my head' to. Then it went ballistic on my watch so I got a photo

I've left the children (8 and 4 respectively ) home alone.
Cathpot · 30/04/2016 18:10

I also once worked at a place with a demented vervet monkey.

Sorry for demented animal hijack. Your kids sound fab. I feel the need to train mine up now by periodically hiding.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 30/04/2016 18:22

This needs to go in Classics. Please MN.

A friend of mine left her DS, aged about 5, in the car at the park and ride while she went to get a ticket. In the time it took her to walk about 10 yards to the machine and back (always within sight of the car) he had got himself out of his seat and alerted a passer-by to let her know he had been abandoned.

We have a blue tit with a noticeably low IQ.

reader77 · 30/04/2016 19:13

OP you should write for a living!

JonStark · 30/04/2016 19:16

Your Rook is actually a Jackdaw. Very cool though!

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 19:23

Malcolm is up a tree atm, ripping twigs out with force and chucking them in the guttering.

We used to have a lothario jackdaw in the chimney. He was a dirty git. Different bird every night and made sure we knew about it. The noise was awful. Malcolm is bliss in comparison.

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Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 19:24

That goat 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 19:26

I need to know more about the blue toy with the noticeably low IQ.

I'm enjoying the Animal Wankers stories.

OP posts:
superme3 · 30/04/2016 19:28

That is really cute. At least you know that they will mind each other. Uterus my 3 are like that as well. A toilet visit by myself is a luxury!!

JonStark · 30/04/2016 19:34

My parents had a friendly magpie visit them for quote a few weeks once. It would come in the house and sit on their arms.