Dating again (gulp) after being widowed

[Somerville]

I haven't been active on mn for a while, but I find myself with no-one IRL to ask. Which is fucking ridiculous, I know. It's not that I don't have some good friends. But I feel stupid for being so uncertain about this. Also, like they might judge me for thinking about this so soon. (I was widowed 16 months ago. We were together for 18 years, right from Uni, married for 15. 3 kids who are amazing but still broken hearted. FUCK CANCER.)

Anyway, deep breath. I've become close to someone over the past 6 weeks while emailing about a project we're both involved with in different ways. (Both freelancers in creative fields who work on several projects at a time - this is the only one where our involvement overlaps.) This particular project is very personal to me, as it touches on loss and grief, and our e-conversations became quite deep and I felt like we clicked, and would perhaps become friends. I didn't think about him romantically before we met - mainly I think, because I'm too busy to think about anything much beyond my kids and my work.

On Friday evening we met for the first time, at the official launch of the project. There were a lot of people there, and I'm not gregarious (especially as this was the first big event I've gone along to since everything, and am still receiving some awkward condolences) and he clearly is outgoing. But we ended up chatting in a corner for nearly an hour, couldn't stop talking. I fell for him hard - massive, instant crush . He's so tall, and his eyes are so blue, and I'd forgotten how nice it is to smell an attractive man, and listen to a deep voice... stupid stuff. Then we were interrupted and chatted to other people, though I kept looking over and seeing him smiling at me. I don't think I've smiled so much in ages. I had to leave to catch last train home while event was in full swing, and was too shy to go over and say goodbye.

I haven't heard from him in the few days since (though wouldn't have expected to). But my friend, who is heavily involved with this project and got me the gig, phoned me last night to say that he got her aside, after I left, and said that we had a connection that had come across in our emails and even more in person, and asked her if I had started dating. She told him that I haven't. That I'm not over my husband, and that my kids need a lot of my time. I guess that's all just about accurate. (I've been to a few dinner parties where I've been sat next to flirtatious single men who have not interested me at all.) Or has been, until now. She said she felt bad at discussing me behind my back, and also at speaking for me, but she didn't act like she thought she was materially wrong in what she'd said. I was too embarrassed/tongue tied to correct her. She's right. But also... he feels this connection too? He wants to know if I'm dating?

I've done no work since the school run this morning, just written a list of all the reasons why pursuing this would be a bad idea. (He doesn't have kids, and is I think a few years younger than me. I'm not having any more kids - couldn't do that to mine.)

Also, I have no time! I have a fucking spreadsheet rather than a diary, so full is my time. (My parents come and stay to have the kids one weekend a month, but that's it. One weekend a month for me, which I usually spend in a B&B on the coast, reading and running.)

And another also. He thinks I'm not dating, and I don't know how I'd let him know that I might be interested in dating (him). Should I call back my friend? Correct her, and she could tell him? Or would that look unprofessional, with this project? Shall I wait until it's over (at least 6 months)? Could I in the meantime at least ask her if he's as nice as he seems?

Lots of questions. Even writing this has helped clear my mind a bit. Thanks if you've read it. Any advice much appreciated.

It sounds great! As do you - I'm not surprised he is agog about you

I made a wedding dress for a woman who had previously been widowed very young. Her deceased husbands parents were guests at her second wedding, obviously with their full blessing. I have to say there wasn't a dry eye in the place - everyone, absolutely everyone, wished her, and them both, well.

We all wish you well Somer

Good for you op. I don't think anyone has the right to judge you. Its your life and you need to live it in a way that makes you happy. I'm a way member too, I hope one day I meet someone who makes me stop and look twice :-) good luck op.

Go for it - I was widowed 7 years ago - I was 29 and had 2 very young dc. Now re-married to a lovely dh, with another dc, and v v happy.
PM me if you want :)

These messages are making me well up. In a good way. Though now I'm feeling guilty, because you're all being so nice about me, and I phoned my parents this evening and asked them to have the dog for some extra weekends. I swear at DH in my head most days for buying DS a sodding puppy 3 months before getting diagnosed with fucking cancer. I like dogs, and the kids love her, but because we weren't able to focus on the training while she was little, now she's almost 2 and is still shitting in the house on occasion. And stealing food. And jumping up at guests. Everyone else in my life thinks it's this amazing, prescient thing that DH did so that none of us would be lonely and the house would be secure and burglars scared off. Fuck that, she's the most stressful thing in my life.

wherehavealltheflowersgone - I'm so happy for you. That's so young to be widowed, I can't imagine coping when I was that young and the dc tiny. A puppy was hard enough for me to cope with alone, as evidenced above!

Dancing dinosaur - I've found WAY website and advice v good, but haven't been to my local group more than twice. It's probably mostly that I'm not too good with small talk, and there was a lot of it. And, a weirdo widower was was treating it like speed dating! Most of the women seemed lovely. Maybe I should give it another try.

Back to obsessively checking my email.

Hi OP,

You sound wonderful, this man sounds great, and I think your email was perfect! Hopefully he'll get the hint and ask you for a drink

If you talk to your friend again soon, maybe you could tell her that you hadn't been thinking about actively looking for dates but you would be open to dating if you happen to make a connection with someone? That way she will hopefully revise her answer if she talks to him again (or anyone else who asks her about you).

If I was your friend I wouldn't judge you at all for dating at this point - I'd be very happy for you.

Can you streamline the children's activities or get more help with lifts and things?

PS I also wanted to say that your sister's reply made me laugh Possibly not the encouraging reply you were hoping for but it sounds like she's giving you the go ahead in her own cheeky way!

I am very excited now

Me too, can't sleep!

My sister is a nut job. But generally means well. She was meant to move in, at one stage, to help me with the DC and the hound, but I decided it'd end in sororicide.

Re my friend - I'm not super close to her, though I like her. She's been very helpful to my career, though was DH's friend first, and I don't want to make anything weird. So I've decided to keep her out of the loop to start with.

Special occasions! BF told me that the cemetery was packed on Mother's Day. He's got two (almost grown up) kids - one goes to the cemetery fairly often, the other not even once. I guess some people find it a useful place to connect, some don't. I think he chats more to her there than daily in his head - more of a focus. Just what works for him. Obviously going a lot doesn't mean he loved her more than someone who doesn't... it's just that as it's a very obvious thing (more than talking in his head) I see how much she's still with him.

What it has shown me is that he can very easily have us both in his life. He's further on than you, and I am his second GF (it was 3 years before her) and he doesn't feel any guilt at all about having both of us. Still cries sometimes - but sadness not guilt.

I hesitate to say what is an 'acceptable' time because honestly it's nobody's business but yours. But I really think that 16 months is definitely OK.

I also tend not to say "he would have wanted you to be happy" about someone I didn't know. But from my own point of view - would I want my husband to love and be loved again? Of course I would.

Even if you or he decides not to profess this at this time, good luck with this time and this stage of life. x

Cabrinha, what you say resonates a lot with the experiences of my friends'. Their deceased partners almost felt part of the day on Saturday - and of course they were because their children were there. I found myself looking at the daughter of my friend's new DH (she was bridesmaid) thinking "your mum would love to see you, she would be so proud". But of course if she was still here, these events would not be happening. My friend's DS is so like his Dad it made me so sad but the bond he has with his stepdad is strong and I was glad he has it, and I know his Dad would be pleased too. My late friend's parents were at the wedding on Saturday and I said it must have been so hard for them, they simply said "yes it is, but it is what he would have wanted, the children are happy and we have gained a granddaughter". Such strength.

So many bittersweet moments but I know if anything happened to me I would want my DH to find love with someone else and for my children to have a family and to have someone in their life who could take on the role of their mother.

Sorry OP, slightly off the point and don't want to hijack but hopefully sharing all these positive stories may help - its hard when you don't know many young widowed people in real life. Good for you for sending that email.

Not a hijack at all, these positive stories, and people's thought on them, are lovely. DH's dad was much older than his mum and died when his mum was in her early 50s. DH often expressed sadness at his mum's loneliness, and wished she had remarried. So although it wasn't something we talked about (I just couldn't), I know what he would want for me. I also know he wouldn't want me involving anyone in our lives who was a loser, deadbeat, or abusive in any way, and I was reading some dating threads on here last night and feeling panicked...

But I'm feeling happy now; I woke up to a very lovely email! He had sent it at 5.03 - who the frig is awake at 5.03?! He asked for my phone number and a good time to call. Thanks for telling me to email him, one and all.

YAY! I thought he would probably email back, and that's a very promising email

I go on the way weekends away with the kids somerville. Its great for the kids as they meet other kids in the same position. And I've met some lovely people too. I've never been on one of the local group meetups.

YAY!!! I am SO pleased for you, this is wonderful . Do ring him and report back immediately please

Oooooh, an email! Lovely that's really made me smile today (over invested, much?!) Seriously - lovely!

I asked BF (actually fiancé) whether he'd invite PIL to our wedding and he said yes. They're very welcome. Weddings are family occasions and they are his family. Totally understandable if they decline of course. But they are still part of his life, and so is his wife / their daughter.

Actually, as others are sharing stories, I have a positive one rather than the negative one of my husband leaving for a very recent widow. My Mum died at 60 fucking cancer. My parents had been together for 40 years. To my huge surprise, a few years later my Dad met somebody he wanted to marry...and did. I have to admit to feeling very very conflicted at the time despite being in my 30's and I did struggle a bit to come to terms with it. As it happens, my step-mum is a lovely lovely lady, who has always been hugely respectful of the memory of my Mum and is an amazing wife to my Dad who is a bit bloomin' high maintenance. I have on the odd occasion blurted out "I wish my Mum was still here", particularly when my youngest DC was diagnosed with autism. However, she understood and has always been very kind about how much my Mum is missed by us all, particularly my Dad who still misses her terribly. They have photos of her around the house and she is still very much part of conversation etc. I really really appreciate that and I know my brother does too. It hasn't always been easy, there have been some rocky times, but generally, my Dad finding new love has been very positive .

Awww. I told him I'd be free to talk between 10 and 2, and he called at 10.01. Punctual! (And keen, right?)

Then had minor heart fail when first thing he asked was my star sign. Asked if he knew that's all bollocks. (No offence intended to believers.) He sounded like he was pissing himself laughing, said sorry, it was first thing that had come to mind, because he'd been talking to his sister about me, and she wanted him to find out. I said; talking to your sister about me? He apologised, I said it's okay, flattering, well depending what he'd told her. He said some sweet things that made me and then that he had asked her for advice, after talking to my friend. His sister had said to find out my starsign and then she'd do our chart and let him know what approach would work . She sounds about as helpful as my DSis. I said for him to remind me to tell him my sister's response to hearing something about him, when I know him better.

Laughed at him for getting up at 5 am. Training run ready for a half marathon on Sunday apparently. Told him I do runs that length every month or so, but not official half marathons because I find exercising in front of strangers embarrassing. GOD, can't believe I admitted that, I'm such a tit. Talked about running for a while, which led onto talking about my dog. He claims to like them. Even stinky ones (though I didn't mention her shitting in the house).

Then talked about our project a bit. It came out that he assumed I'd be at a meeting about it on Thursday. Told him I only come into London once a week, generally on a Friday as then my parents can generally pick the DC up after school for me. Had excused myself from that meeting so long ago that I'd forgotten it was even happening. He went a bit quiet and I asked if the absurd limitations of my life were dawning on him. He said not absurd at all, was actually wondering if you're in London this Friday? I am, I said cautiously, though chocka with work meetings until 5. He asked what time I have to be home for the kids, because he'd love to take me out, if my friend is wrong and I'm interested in dating!

I said I'm terrified by the thought of dating but really enjoy his company. I could book the babysitter to take over from my parents, so we could go for a drink after my last meeting . He said could he take me for dinner, somewhere quiet where we can chat properly. I said that would be lovely.

AAAAGGGHHHH!

Then he asked me my birthday and I said I'm not telling him because I'm pretty sure I'm older than him. He said I'm not asking the year, just date. I said ha! You're stealth working out my star sign. He said he had to tell his sister, but was laughing. I said I'd tell him if he knew his MBTI (a personality typing thing - Jungian psychology). Thought I'd have him there and he'd have no clue what I was talking about. He said INFJ. Two of my best friends are INFJ's, I love them! So told him I'm Libra but that it's bollocks. Didn't tell him my MBTI because I'm less feely than him and don't want to scare him off.

Can't remember what else, but we talked for nearly 30 minutes . He asked if he could call again before Friday. I said anytime, then corrected that, and said between 9.30 and 2.30 or after 9pm, as I needed to concentrate on the DC aside from that. He said nice things about my parenting. I told him he has a lovely voice and asked how tall he is (6'2!!).

Now to try and book a 'sitter, and work out what to tell my parents. Gulp. And also going to read your replies above properly. Thanks, all. I'm so glad I emailed him!

Aw that's so lovely! Hope your dinner goes well, you've got to come back and tell us all. So exciting!

Oooh.....even I am getting flutters here!! He sounds lovely, you have nothing to lose at all.

Let his sister do your chart, I believe in all that bollocks

Take some clean knickers

Can't wait for the next update!

Thanks for the update, I love that you've given us a blow by blow account - we can all live vicariously!

I want to be childish and sing the "sitting in a tree" song at you!!

I have a VERY good feeling about this. Enjoy your date! Woohoo!

Loving this!!!!!

Thanks guys! It's good to have 'someone' to tell. I feel super excited. And no, not taking clean knickers, behave!!

Slightly miffed that my Dsis hasn't phoned for details. Nothing since the waxing link. But we got married when she was 13 so maybe this is weirder for her than for me. Anyway, I've texted my best friend to say I've got some fun but perhaps surprising news, whenever she has time to chat. Deep breath. Hope she's okay with it. Especially as I think I need to hire her nice au pair on Friday evening - my regular sitter can't do it.

I think your friend will be as excited as us - hope I'm right!

Just wanted to say how lovely you sound. Have a wonderful time and enjoy

And no, not taking clean knickers, behave!!

Spoilsport