is this the worst and most self-absorbed piece of journalism ever written? (most amusing)

[whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney]

Without a word of a lie, this was printed in The Evening Standard the other day after the tornado. A friend of mine has picked it up and thinks it's worth celebrating in all its pompous, un-self-aware, London meeja whore bourgeois pig awfulness. it's not a piss-take. really it isn't.

"My tornado hell. This is to celebrate and remember the excellent article by freelance writer Caroline Phillips from the Evening Standard. When it was printed is irrelevant, the point is to keep it alive forever, long after the last landfill has rotted away, we are all dust, and your children's children's children may revel in the words contained herein." here

Tbh, have never considered the class values of citrus fruit until now.

UD - love the film.

Not read the whole thread but what pretentious shit written for the red top masses.

When did we turn into such a sentimental and stupid country??

clementines - definitely middle class

satsumas - working class citrus fruit I'm sure

mandarins - fallen out of favour so probably a bit aspirational - choose them if you want to be a bit different.eg Oh Jemima you must try these mandarins, such a nostalgic flavour...

lemons - classless

limes - classless

oranges - classless (but the upper classes have someone to peel theirs)

grapefruit - ditto

Kumquats -middle class

& other obscure jobbies like Uglis etc - for people who try too hard -- (middle class)

I think you are all being a bit unfair on poor Caroline. I mean, floating walnut shelves can be very difficult to replace, and what if the Cath Kidston carpet has been discontinued. Noooooooooo! I can hear the screaming now (Do they allow screaming at Claridges?) Hope they are well-stocked with gooseberry and cinnamon yogurt....

Truly brightened up my day! Off now to clean up my Focus Do It All kitchen and polish my avocado bathroom suite inherited from the three stable girls who used to inhabit my oasis of calm and luxury.

get it into the A level syllabus as an unseen prose analysis NOW.

what if she'd been caught up in Hurricane Katrina? the mind boggles....

I thought for a long time before I wrote this. This is very funny, and I found myself crying with laughter when I read it first but I now find myself getting angry, and I really need to vent. It's only "stuff" after all, albeit expensive, name dropping stuff. I mean, even the sodding cat, turned out to be alright.

This week, the father of a close friend at work has died, and we have just found out that a near relative (mum of 3 in her mid 40s) has less than a year to live. Not very articleworthy I grant you, but more of a tragedy than having to stay in Claridges because some freak of nature has meant your sanctuary has been violated.

These things aren't Caroline's responsibility, I suppose she is just doing her job, but the shallowness of "screaming with grief" because of stuff is just sticking in my throat at the moment.

Message withdrawn

did you clock on the comments bit, they don't show unless you click. There were about 16 the other day.

Message withdrawn

What is a floating shelf anyway? It sounds spectacularly impractical.

screws straight into the wall- no brackets.

here although I expect our friend caroline wouldn't find this example particularly stylish.

That ruined my mental Harry Potter-like image of them

you can get ones that look likes books, so if you put books on top it looks like all your books are floating! Now where did I see that.....

This was how it was reported in Holy Moly -

Chin-Chin Up

Remember when Grandma told her stories about the war? It was all about the Spirit of the Blitz and how communities united in a common cause against adversity because they were determined, despite the loss of their houses and every possession, to carry on and fight for what they believed in.

Well, Grandma can fuck off. If you want to see real suffering, don't bother with the war, or the hundreds of thousands killed in Rwanda in the 90s. Turn around genocide in Bosnia, you're not welcome here. The forced starvation of thousands of Zimbabweans as we type? Don't make us laugh, you whining maggots.

THIS is real suffering, with a human face.

It was probably typed (sobs) on a borrowed laptop! Why do they have to be so bloody brave?

There were clementines on the limestone floor, you heartless bastard!

god that was worth a scroll . LOL.

ooh all the comments (and the brilliant caravan spoof) have all gone.

for the caravan spoof, go to
michelle-hooter.livejournal.com/
cheers!

Loving the caravan spoof (here ).

Oh no - not his precious food books .

Thank God he is a "write and food stylist" and she is a "textile designer".

I liked the bit "As we are talking, Caroline Phillips, a 47-year-old writer from two doors down, arrives with her 11-year-old daughter Anya to swap war stories." I just bet she did! Can you imagine a journalist in the vicinity and not talking to her - like the way she muscles them out for the rest of the story.

I thought that Geraldine and Sunil had been told to throw away ALL of their possessions - why are they coming back for a toothbrush?

it's sounding more and more like an act of god, isn't it? i think he just wanted to wipe all these utterly useless people out, like Douglas Adams and the spaceship full of telephone sanitisers.

?I just feel kind of numb. You couldn?t anticipate it, you couldn?t do anything about it. It?s just bricks and mortar and you have to move on.?

Well, exactly.

After reading the first two paragraphs I couldn't be bothered to waste any more time carrying on with the rest of this conceited bilge. Caroline Phillips is a twunt. No offence love.