is this the worst and most self-absorbed piece of journalism ever written? (most amusing)

[whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney]

Without a word of a lie, this was printed in The Evening Standard the other day after the tornado. A friend of mine has picked it up and thinks it's worth celebrating in all its pompous, un-self-aware, London meeja whore bourgeois pig awfulness. it's not a piss-take. really it isn't.

"My tornado hell. This is to celebrate and remember the excellent article by freelance writer Caroline Phillips from the Evening Standard. When it was printed is irrelevant, the point is to keep it alive forever, long after the last landfill has rotted away, we are all dust, and your children's children's children may revel in the words contained herein." here

what a CROCK OF SHITE

This is just the most brilliant thread. I am, however, getting a bit of a 'She Who Must Not Be Named' vibe...

pmsl at 'Cath kidston makes carpets?'
How could this have got past mumsnet?

but surely fair comment is a defence to libel?

As I motioned for the liveried Phillipino to shut the loo door, my hardened exterior crumbled. Yes, I was in the Cipriani enjoying a bellini, but the bruised peaches that had given up their juices to create my cocktail only served to remind me of the blood that had seeped from that fifty year old blokes head (thank God we didn't know him and he wasn't a member of the meeja) and, more importantly, the power that had seeped from my brutally crushed Imac. I screamed, silently and then, remembering Adrian's mantra, practised the lotus position until I had regained my calm.

not mentioning She who Must Not be Named but seems our Caroline's a Controlled Crying fan too...

It's also extremely hard to punctuate when you are in downward dog. My apologies.

and for bonus points you can see your own bum in downward dog. sun shining?

pmsl at this thread, thanks for making me laugh.

You lot are just so funny. I'm crying with laughter here.

at spewedsatsumas.

Caroline, surely you meant, "I screamed with grief at spewedsatsuma"?

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home," I whispered to myself as, clutching Douchebag our dog, I tapped my Manolo heels three times. The room seemed to whirl around my head as I fell out of Virabhadrasana II (that's warrior pose for all you peasants) my chakras having been shot to pieces since they were exposed to the karmic spin cycle that was the eye of the storm. Hesitantly, I opened my eyes but there was not a twee rose bud, nor a retro cowboy print in sight. Just the arctic white of cool, crisp Frette bed linen - the bed's 'nursery corners' as sharp as the shards of glass that had ripped the stuffing out of our own.

And at that moment I knew.

Andrew was so right about Claridges.

FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!! pmsl at work - evreyone looking at me! how hilarious - you need to keep us updated!

spewedsatsumas, clearly you think you are quite the parodist, but all i would say is that with the exception of Douschka's name you've pretty much hit the nail on the head there. I, Caroline Phillips, am beyond satire.

warrior pose in Manolos? I'm beginnning to doubt you're genuine

Hooray for Mumsnet!

Frankincense - rather like Power Rangers' stunts, Manolos and warrior poses should only be undertaken by highly trained professionals. But I have been lucky enough to have been taken under the wing (and behind the skip whilst the extension was being built, but that's another story) of Neville Shyster-Leigh, 42, an ex-Lloyds name turned yogic master and meridian tapper extraordinaire.

I am as genuine as a Jo Malone tuberose parfum.

I feel the flowers.

Thinking of homes and tornadoes, anyone remember the old Jif TV ads - a spry scottish woman brandishing a bottle of jif telling us it cleaned like a white torando. A perfect gift for Caroline, perhaps.

And please can we invite her on mumsnet for a live chat?

And do you think she will soon be writing articles on how the tornado helped her to declutter her home and her life?

This thread had me hooked at work. But did someone say they had linked it on Caroline's blog page....take cover!

Just read it again. Even funnier the fifth time.

But:

"Neighbours Sunil Vijayakar and Geraldine Larkin have been told to throw away ALL their possessions, filled as they are with shards of glass."

WHY are we not told what these people do for a living? Is it possible they are a social worker and a bank-clerk and she doesn't want to let on?

Sunil & Geraldine should submit their possessions for the next Turner Prize - not sure what they'd title it though...

spewed clementines would be good title maybe?

What's wrong with spewedsatsumas (TM)?

but clementines are much more middle class don't you think??