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Original poster

is this the worst and most self-absorbed piece of journalism ever written? (most amusing)

453 replies

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney · 13/12/2006 23:12

Without a word of a lie, this was printed in The Evening Standard the other day after the tornado. A friend of mine has picked it up and thinks it's worth celebrating in all its pompous, un-self-aware, London meeja whore bourgeois pig awfulness. it's not a piss-take. really it isn't.

"My tornado hell. This is to celebrate and remember the excellent article by freelance writer Caroline Phillips from the Evening Standard. When it was printed is irrelevant, the point is to keep it alive forever, long after the last landfill has rotted away, we are all dust, and your children's children's children may revel in the words contained herein." here

OP posts:
Festivefunfilledfennel · 14/12/2006 15:51

Snakeleashed stick draining board.

(otherwise known as: activities for pubescent girls to keep their minds wholesomely off drugs, boys and other unsavoury teenage pursuits)

Go to guide camp.
Find 4 long sticks to go upright, lash together with 4 shorter sticks to go horizontal. That's the frame for your camp "sink". Lash a stick across the middle. Half the frame should now hold your washing up bowl (this can be pre-bought, not carved from wood). For the other half: get lots of similar width sticks about a foot long. use snake lashing (a sort of weaving with string, in and out so the string goes under one stick and over the next) to tie them all together into a draining board. Lash to the sink frame. et voila, snakelashed draining board. Now do lots of washing up.

If bored, make bed rack. Washing Tripod. Shoe rack. wellie holders. hat stand. book stand. ad nauseum.

If very bored, leave guides and get a life.

CarolinePhillips · 14/12/2006 15:54

I need to draw your attention to the fact that I have seen this. I am shocked, horrified and terribly, terribly hurt that a group of mothers like myself could be so unsympathetic.

ScreamingWithGriefintheLoo · 14/12/2006 15:55

I can't believe you are all being so horrible to me. It's not my fault if I have high standards.

CarolinePhillips · 14/12/2006 15:55

I may have to ring Room Service to get them to bring me a brandy.

CarolinePhillips · 14/12/2006 15:56

who on earth are you, screamingwithgrief? are you taking the mickey?

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/12/2006 15:58

I soooooo want CP to be genuine... please convince me, it would make my day

CarolinePhillips · 14/12/2006 16:03

I don't understand. My friend rang me on my mobile and told me about this site. I've never been here before, but I find that you are all saying terrible things about me and my family. Why is it so unusual that my husband practices yoga, he needs to de-stress in his job.
I'm amazed, disgusted and a little tearful that you find the subject of homelessness so amusing.

foxtrottothefestivegrotto · 14/12/2006 16:03

"terribly hurt that a group of mothers like myself could be so unsympathetic"
Raise your hands, all mothers like herself!

PrincessPeaHead · 14/12/2006 16:04

oh.my.god.

If she is such a namedropping social climber, why on earth is she admitting to living in kensal rise?

and her husband adrian - a private banker hahahaha
all private bankers are thick as pigshit. especially the ones who can only earn enough for a maisonette in norf lunnon (mieow)

If I met her I'd hate her, I think.

CarolinePhillips · 14/12/2006 16:08

What can I have done to deserve such name-calling, such vitriol? There are some very pretty parts of Kensal.

UnquietDad · 14/12/2006 16:08

Have you sold the film rights yet, CP?

SCREAMING WITH GRIEF: One woman's bourgeois tornado martyrdom.

It was an ordinary day for Kensal Rise writer Caroline Phillips. She was looking forward to polishing the American walnut floating shelf, feeding her dog, Douschka, and settling down in her sanctuary at her hand-rolled teak writing-desk to finish off a couple of articles before enjoying a tryst with hunky yogic builder Nathan.

But Caroline's day was about to turn into a nightmare - after which her side return, polished plaster walls and limestone floor would never be the same again.

SCREAMING WITH GRIEF is a journey to the heart of the emotional cyclone, a voyage into the swirling black smoke of despair. GASP as Caroline's Cath Kidston covers are cruelly RIPPED from her children's beds by the savage force of Nature, and CHEER as she saves her media friends from death and destruction while carefully patronising working-class folk of the borough.

STARRING
Joanna Lumley as CAROLINE
Max Beesley as ADRIAN
Liz Smith as BERYL THE WORKING-CLASS PERSON
Jude Law as THE ASSESSOR
Emily Mortimer as VANESSA ROSS RUSSELL
Victoria Shalet as VANESSA'S NANNY
Bouncer as DOUSCHKA

PG-12
[Some mild peril and lacerated rosebud blinds.]

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/12/2006 16:09

Well, if you will write pretentious class-bound nonsense capitalising on what was actually quite a significant misfortune for those not covered by Lark Insurance.....

taylormama · 14/12/2006 16:09

you only think you would hate her - i would definitly hate her should i run into her ... altho she is probably hiding out at Claridges until she can get some new clothes to replace her tornado chic jumpers

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/12/2006 16:09

OK UD, that's bloody funny

taylormama · 14/12/2006 16:10

noooooo - Liz Hurley to play CP surely???

CarolinePhillips · 14/12/2006 16:11

I'm crying now

dara · 14/12/2006 16:11

Love Joanna Lumley (maybe a bit too old) but NOT Max Beesley. Too gritty and Northern. It has to be Hugh Grant. Liz Smith spot on. Could Emma Thompson get the Caroline role? I can see her screaming under a desk.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/12/2006 16:12

So are we

ImaVeryMerryChristmasFairy · 14/12/2006 16:12

You've got a point TM - Caroline can't right, Liz can't act...perfect!!!
UnquietDad - genius!!!

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/12/2006 16:12

Who was that bint who played Sally on Drop the Dead Donkey? She'd make a good CP.

foxtrottothefestivegrotto · 14/12/2006 16:12

Why didn't she go clothes shopping? Are her poor DDs wearing school uniform night and day, I wonder?

dara · 14/12/2006 16:13

I like the fact that the cat was (ahem) fine all along too. Nobody died, not even the cat. Only the walnut shelf bit the dust.

ImaVeryMerryChristmasFairy · 14/12/2006 16:13

And I can't write either
You've got a point TM - Caroline can't write, Liz can't act...perfect!!!
UnquietDad - genius!!!

expatinscotland · 14/12/2006 16:14

Cath Kidston makes carpets?

CarolinePhillips · 14/12/2006 16:22

I have been clothes shopping all day, actually. It has been very difficult, what with the crowds of shiny-faced Christmas shoppers bustling around me, anxious to buy the perfect presents for their families while I struggled to find replacements for my childrens' swimming costumes so that we can go on holiday and forget about this nightmare.