How can I be more "French"?

[hangingoutattheendofmywick]

So this morning I did an Ocado shop and stumbled across the world foods department. There is a French section and I was immediately transported to my holidays when I was young at Keycamp in France. I basically ordered a shed load of French delights and as I'm currently really down in the dumps and life is a bit shite I've decided to BE more French.

Other than learning the language again (I've lost it since GCSE) and eating / drinking all my French delights I'm wondering what I can do to make my life a bit more French. Any ideas?

I'm looking for :
Music
Literature
Recipes
Drinks
General ways of living.

Ta!

Last one is interred to g because talking to friends in France (French friends) they would say that, if they can imagine coping or have coped with an affair, a man that is doing f* all at home and is taking the piss generally will get ditched!
I've also found A LOT of dads who are very involved with dcs after a divorce. Maybe because until now, a 50/50 organisation was imposed by the judges.

Actually that reminds me of another very French thing.
If you can solve a problem by talking to another person (eg your ex in case of divorce, a tradesmen etc), do t do it and go through the courts and tribunals.
And always do things to the book when dealing with the justice system (esp if you are talking about divorce and children)

That'd be fraternising with the enemy All

I was going to say take a lover who you meet between 17:00 and 19:00 daily, but I see you've already ruled that one out

If you decide to be the sort of French person who likes walking, climb a mountain and have a picnic. This must consist of a baguette, a whole (or at least half) saucisson sec, a bottle of red wine and maybe a hip flask of something stronger. All to be served with a cloth (of course!), little wine glasses and a wicked-looking knife. Alternatively you could be the sort of French person who would not be seen dead up a mountain, in which case see the previous tips about handbag dogs and wearing black, which would be more up your rue.

When parking your car, it is acceptable to do any of the following, as necessary:

• Shunt backwards and forwards, banging against the cars in front and behind until you have your car perfectly as you like it
• Leave your car with the bumper resting neatly on top of the one behind it
• Park diagonally across the corner of the street

Get your DH a blazer in a pretty shade of emerald green, cherry red or pink.

Refuse to drink tap water, even if there is nothing whatsoever wrong with it. Instead you must buy bottled water, or take empty bottles to fill up at the local mineral water fountain (which may be shaped like a giant mushroom).

Make liberal use (especially men) of the words: Insupportable, inadmissible, inacceptable, preferably while thumping your fist on the table. (This last one courtesy of my old French teacher).

If you work in a school, drink red wine with water with your lunch. (Unless you are head of English, in which case you can drink it neat, and copiously.) The rest of the time, drink coffee that looks like ink in thimble-sized glasses.

Go on strike regularly, especially if it has a knock on effect for the British not that I'm bitter about driving to work through hundreds of parked lorries every couple of weeks

Eat super small portions of delicious food. This will keep you skinny, but also happy. Drink good wine and eat expensive cheese.

Because you are skinny you will be able to wear all clothing, and it will look great on you. Scarves will now miraculously fall perfectly around your swan-like neck.

Say exactly what is on your mind, even if it will offend people.

Don't smile too much. Don't appear too enthusiastic about anything.

Be rude. You don't need to talk to people unless you actually want to, politeness is overrated.

Don't wear too much make-up, keep hair natural.

Listen to Leonhard Cohen, watch film noir and smoke like it's your last cigarette.

Everything you touch is beautiful, including your 20 year old lover, who is a poor, incredibly talented art student from the 6th arrondissement.

Pout all the time

Drink red wine

Apparently they are very into going to see psychotherapists so could do that

Listen to MC Solaar and Les Nubians (both great) loose yourself in the music by swaying and closing your eyes

Mynameis The tap water here should be lovely but it's highly chlorinated so we spend a fortune on filtering it. I don't like drinking swimming pool water thanks

Welcometothe * It could have been, it's all gone now and dh is on to Boulles de Touraine I think. He's a very fussy wino.

Stalk haughtily down the pavement forcing anybody walking towards you into the gutter.

Complain loudly & frequently with much waving of arms. Correct people loudly & frequently. Burst into startling shouts of laughter that give others in the vicinity a moderate risk of heart failure.

Ensure you wear only scarlet/purple shades of lipstick that transfer onto peoples cheeks when you greet them

If you're 17 & doing work experience in France in St Etienne circa 1995 then do not walk down the centre of the road as you risk being crushed by a tram!!

Oooh, listen to Georges Brassens, and get lots of french subtitled movies. I want the one about the cat burglar, A Cat in Paris.

Oooh, listen to Georges Brassens, and get lots of french subtitled movies. I want the one about the cat burglar, A Cat in Paris.

If anyone ever cooks you anything with the tiniest speck of chilli in it, immediately accuse them of trying to kill you.

Oooh la la, midnight, that sounds a bit hairy! Hope you were OK.
And now I need a translation for "a bit hairy" ...

welcome That's why chilies are banned in my house but you can have garlic instead
still struggling with any sort if chilli type of dish after nearly 20 years in the uk. How on earth can you that stuff??!

Wear really wacky, chunky costume jewellery over a simple linen dress in black, white or beige and some wedge espadrilles. Smoke a lot and be thin. Have an amazing haircut. You can have a face like a bag is spanners and it won't matter, providing you do all those things you will seem tres chic.

stop giving so much of a damn about what people may or may not think about you
stop throwing the rind of brie away - tastiest bit!
start thinking 'chic & understated' rather than 'sexy' for clothes
start learning about wine rather than just downing it to get rat-arsed!!!
stop being embarrassed about pda
stop letting your darlings run your life
start learning the art of sipping your coffee and watching people instead of grabbing one 'to go' and constantly faffing with your phone
start worrying less about 'fashion' and find your own style

these are probably all teaching my grandmother to suck eggs but....!

stop being embarrassed about pda

Oh, public displays of affection! I was racking my brains there (or )

Also, as une française, you have excellent posture which is upheld by your smashing pelvic floor. You were referred for PF training as routine after childbirth, and were given one of those squeezy things free! Tena pads all say "petites fuites" because you simply don't have grandes ones

Balzac, Flaubert etc are all well and good but actually quite hard-going French lit grad shouldn't admit this

I love love love Tatiana de Rosnay, Delphine de Vigan and David Foenkinos - all contemporary and very readable. Disclaimer - I read them in French, I don't know if the translations are any good.

Cote d'Or chocolate might help? If hot chocolate in bowls isn't a goer in this weather compromise and give the toddler coco pops and let he/she suck the milk up through a straw!

Though in this weather I think you should aim to live off apricots/cherries and sorbets (my "must haves" on any summer trip to France).

If you are really down, find a version of "Ca Plane Pour Moi" on Youtube and get bopping! (actually, just spotted that you are expecting a baby; scrap that suggestion!).

Why not inflict your sudden interest on the family (the toddler is too young to complain eloquently). Plenty of kids' cartoon DVDs come with French as a language option. On a more sophisticated note, Claude Chabrol directed some great thrillers (or try Truffaut or Goddard depending on your interests).

Learn to scold/swear in French (possibly not a good idea if you live in central London, but you should be okay out in the suburbs/big cities).

Finally, assuming you aren't broke, why not surf the net and dress your kid(s) French? Vertbaudet always seemed to have a sale on (and Petit Bateau tends to have great resell value on Ebay!).

Have a Portuguese housekeeper, an English jeune fille au pair and a fella from the gym up the road.

Wear leather trousers. Have swishy hair. Ski like an Olympian.

I like francoise Sagan as a writer and she is good to read if your French isn't perfect

Otherwise if you want to be a Parisian woman be very jealous and moody and never crack a joke.....outside of Paris you don't have to do any of these thing.

There's a book called French Children Don't Throw Food which is good :)

I was OK thanks Garlick, I was yanked out of the way by a Croatian chap.

When you get older you must loudly criticise any parent (usually mother) who hasn't dressed their baby to cope with Arctic conditions as soon as there is a cool breeze. Forcibly place hat and gloves on baby whilst chastising parent.

When you set fire to your chimney make sure you have lots of wine for the firemen once they have put out the fire! And all the neighbours who will appear to gloat offer sympathy as soon as the fire engine arrives.

On Saturday, get on your bike and ride really fast for three weeks. Don't forget to include some mountains.

Sleep for 3 hours every afternoon.

Get a public service job, and do it spectacularly disinterestedly.