You daft apeth

[Kasterborous]

No, not you but I heard this phrase yesterday and haven't heard it for ages. We used to say it when anyone had done something daft, but in a lighthearted way.

Another old favourite is 'crosspatch' as in 'don't be a crosspatch' when someone is being -well - cross.

I use to have a dog called Apeth.

Yeah to fart in a colander and shut yer cakehole and (I sense a theme) shut yer mouth and give yer arse a chance or shut yer gigi.

When asked what was for lunch my Nan would always say 'two ducks a duck in and a duck out'.

If me legs were long enough I'd kick me own arse, if you've made a mistake.

My mum used to say, "take that off or you won't feel the benefit" if I was wearing a coat or jacket inside.

There are a few that I think are specific to my hometown, Hull, like tenfoot and tansad.

"Looks like the back end of a bus" or "looks like two badgers fighting in a sack" or "you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire" were all uncomplimentary.

"Well go to the top of our stairs"
"You're neither use nor ornament"

Sky hooks, tartan paint and left handed spanners

You're about as much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest

amicissima - glad it wasn't just my family who mentioned farts in trances/ hanging about like one..

Getting up early was also 'at the crack of a sparrow's fart' (still is)

And if you had a lot of bubbles in your tea, you had 'money in your cup'. The fact they disappeared rapidly seemed appropriate!

Talking through a hole in yer heid meant talking nonsense - we had shut yer geggy too.

Yes to mugwump!! - wtf is a mugwump?

I tell DS to 'Stop wittering on' I say wittering all the tim too. Is it not a normal word?

daft ha'porth and crosspatch remind me of my gran. I use both expressions almost daily to my cats so hadn't really realised they were now rare.

My gran would always talk about 'spending a penny' as well.

One I used to love - my grandad used to say that my gran was 'dolloping her clock up' when she was doing her make up.

No use to man nor beast, guts for garters....I must be V old fashioned, but I use so many of the sayings on here regularly! (Only 32...)Also swings and roundabouts (meaning something similar to six of one and half a dozen of the other). It's now dawning on me that a lot of people may well think I use really strange expressions, when in my head I'm using perfectly normal ones

"Excuse my French" - said politely to one's audience after a tirade of four letter words

"Don't get many of those to a pound!" translates as "Good gracious, what a lovely large pair of breasts you are lucky enough to have, Madam."

Mugwump predates Harry Potter by decades .... and is a bird which sits on telephone wires with its mug facing one way and its wump the other!
Usually in the autumn...
(at least, that's what it was in Oxfordshire in the 1950's. I have no idea if the bird had to have republican leanings or not - presumably only if it was migrating to the US)

My mother knew someone who always used to express surprise by saying "well I'll go to the foot of our stairs"! I still don't know why.

"I've been running about like a blue-arse fly in a thunderstorm"

'Well, I never, I'll go the foot of our stairs and jump off '

My mums favourite threats:

'Do you want a slap?'

'You'd better put your face straight before I straighten it for you' = stop sulking

'Don't make me get up' = stop acting up/romping about before I have to get up and manhandle remonstrate with you.

'You can sort that midden of a bedroom out before you go anywhere'

'Do I look like I was born yesterday?'

My favourite "sweary" phrase is hell's bells. Or hell's bells and buckets of blood if something really bad has happened!
My sisters and I also still sometimes say "My flabber has never been so gasted" when expressing surprise at something. That came from an audio tape of Cinderella we had as children - I think one of the ugly sisters said it.

it was neither arm'ole nor breakfast time

Not sure if this is exclusive to the North East but 'I've a kitchen like a midden' (outdoor toilet - non flushing variety!) meaning my kitchen is in need of a good clean/tidy up.

Often say to DD2 who loves baking 'Don't you dare leave that kitchen like a midden mind!'

Maardy arsed

granny used to say 'Goodness to mergatroyd' I have no idea what this meant.

Also 'go and play with jones'kids'when you were mithering.

The word 'fratching' I do not know where I heard it, or know many other people who know it, but it means arguing. As in 'the kids are fratching again'.

Just thought of another one - specific to my family I guess as I've never heard it before: "shim-shams for meddler's noses" was granny's response equating to mind your own business when asked what something contained.

These are great.

My nan always used 'you daft ha'porth and 'looking like the wreck of the Hesperus' (sp)

My dad called everyone face ache.

'going all 'round the Wrekin' is very common where I live.

Also use 'all over the shop' a lot.

Good heavens to Murgatroyd was what we used to say!

'Stop crying before I give you something to cry about'

'Two shakes of a lamb's tail' (I'll be ready in..)

'Dag,nam and blast it!! (ooh really sweary!!)

'Never in a month of sundays'

My Mum used to say to us -usually when we were doing something daft- 'don't come running to me when you break your leg'. I like that one.

It probably was ha'porth rather than apeth, I just had it in my head as a big hairy ape!

Miserable/scowling ppl have "A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp." - A couple more "as useless as" ones - 1. A chocolate fireguard. 2. An ashtray on a motorbike.

My Dad used to say , 'He don't know if he wants a shit or a haircut'

Or 'he don't know his arse from his elbow.

If you asked grandma what was for dinner she always said 'shit with sugar on'