You daft apeth

[Kasterborous]

No, not you but I heard this phrase yesterday and haven't heard it for ages. We used to say it when anyone had done something daft, but in a lighthearted way.

Another old favourite is 'crosspatch' as in 'don't be a crosspatch' when someone is being -well - cross.

You know what thought did? Followed a dustcart and thought it was a wedding.

Onetiredmummy - I used that one on Sunday as we were on the second (yes second) diversion trying to get into Nottingham ... As oh "thought he knew another way"

My mum (64) says "daft apeth" and used to say Wild Woman of Borneo too.

"Gordon Bennet!"

"Cor blimey." My mum says it comes from "God blind me."

"Well stone the crows."

I say both and I'm 30.

Meant to put the "both" bit before stone the crows...

Had totally forgotten about 'San fairy Ann'. My Dad used that one quite a lot.

Another was 'what's that scotch mist', I used that one a lot with my siblings they hated it! It's said when you've been looking for something and couldn't find it, then someone comes along and spots it immediately and says 'what's that scotch mist'.

Ha, YerDaftApeth!

I haven't used this name for a while!

My Dad's - 'Stop standing there like one o'clock half struck (stop day dreaming)

'Put the wood in the hole' (close the door)

'He could peel an orange in his pocket' (about someone he considered mean with money)

And my favourite 'Daddism' about people he considered had no discerning taste 'He would drink water the pit ponies had plodged in'

(*plodge is Geordie for paddling in water)

Omg!! Have only just twigged that San Fairy Anne = ca ne fait rien!

Df used to say if you had done a stinky fart 'as a rat crept up thee arse and deed' in a Yorkshire accent.

Mum where yer going? 'There and back to see how far it is' or 'to see a man about a dog'

Well, mixed Irish/Lancashire/Yorkshire family living in Lancashire. Got a lot of 'em.

As much use as ... cat shit in soup/ashtray on a motorbike/the cat I haven't got (The cat I haven't got also knows things that are obvious.)

A dog wi' a clawhammer up 'is arse could do it. (Said dog is a comparator for the utterly clueless, also.)

Your imagination's as big as your brain isn't.

Well, if $UNLIKELYEVENTOR_TRUTH, I'll show me arse in't co-op window.

Oh, he'll chew nails an' spit up rust! (For impressively clever/brave/obedient small children.)

Well, we could go down't butchers and see if he's turned the bacon slicer on? (Entertainment opportunities hereabouts seem somewhat limited)

You're like christmas comin'

You're shapin' like wet lettuce (not even reaching the standard of a dog wi' a clawhammer up his arse)

Don't talk wet! (I find your remarks foolish and inconsequential)

He couldn't lie straight in bed, that one. (He is lacking in honesty.)

One of my favourite ways to test a newish friend is to ask them what thought did.

The ONLY acceptable answer is "followed a dustcart and thought it were a wedding", but anything other than complete confusion gets brownie points from me

Thought followed a funeral and thought it were a wedding. Stuff yer brownie points.

You know what thought did.....

Planted a feather and thought it would grow a hen!

barn pot, reference to someone being daft. my Yorkshire grandfather used to call us barn pots quite often!

What's for tea?

Two jumps at the cupboard door.

I use loads of these phrase :)

The conversation with the MIL about the bread rolls made me giggle as I've had a fair few conversations that have gone like that. Where I grew up bread rolls are muffins, which leads to confusion in chippies anywhere else if you go and ask for a chip muffin :)

Is it just my school that had sausage roll on toast as an option for school dinners? Or garlic bread and gravy?

Lancashire, if it wasn't obvious.

'Eee, she's got more front than Blackpool that one' said when hoiking judgy pants.

Q. Whats for tea mum? A. 'shit and shinola'

My children are half geordie half lancashire.

Asking for monkeys blood on their ice cream only works up there in geordieland. But asking to play in the ginnel is confined to down here

Bigger milk round than the co op

• a lady with larger than average breasts

He's had nowt but a sniff of the barmaid's apron - he can't hold his drink.

Like a cockle on a rock - a small hat on a big head.

Why this warrants it's own expression I have no idea. Are small hats a regular issue in Lancashire/Kendal in the 1950s?

No! danielhellhound

My dad told me he'd made up the Xxxx xxxx is no good, chop her up for firewood rhyme- though I was always eaten with gingerbread, not lava bread

Actually kinda gutted I've got to 30 and only just found out he didn't make it up

When people were cross they'd say "I'll swing for you!"

I thought it meant that they'd take a swing at you, ie try to punch you.

But apparently it means that they would happily kill you and be hanged for the crime - "I'll swing [be hanged] for the pleasure of killing you."