The utterly ridiculous / hysterical comments your friends come out with, in which you seriously question if they live on the same planet as you...[lighttheart]

[daughterofafarmer]

My friend said this utter gem last week...

'I'm buying DS a 2nd pair of Wellingtons as I don't have an Aga to help dry out the wet pair....'

Another friend

'I don't think one should children until you can afford childcare'....Que me nearly spitting out my drink...

I live in USA and have heard some doozies :o

Friend on meeting my parents who were over from Scotland to visit.
"So did you drive or take the train"
Father " we flew,you cant drive here from there,theres an ocean"
Friend " really? and no bridge? thats odd,Scotland right off Canada isnt it?
Father
Intelligent college educated woman

Another intelligent college educated friend
"I want to go to Australia,Id love to see lions,tigers and giraffes in the wild"
Me "HA HA HA" you numpty "HA HA HA"
Friend " what"
Me"they dont live wild in Australia"
Friend " Im pretty sure they do,are you sure ?"

I have a lot of college educated numpty friends,yet another one talking to a patient
patient " Im off to Fiji next week for a vacation"
friend " Thats off the coast of Oregon isnt it? "

Another lady I met told me I spoke pretty good English :o

Another didnt believe that in Scotland we didnt spent our lives sitting 1/2 way up a mountain making tweed all day,didnt realise we had jobs just like people in the USA

Constant source of amusement for me :o

Oh the knife thing is true btw,people here CANNOT use them and cut everything ( except steak,that is cut with a knife held awkwardly in the wrong hand ) with the edge of their fork :o

I was cooking chicken once, and cutting up the meat I told the kids that the muscle, flesh and meat are all different names of the same thing, the bit we eat.

my 8 year old said:" mummy, I never knew that!"
to which my 40-year-old husband replied: "Nor did I"

wtf, really?

also when he was younger he used to think that tigers were female lions!

ALMOSTMRSG it is possible.

Okay, I'll be the dozy one. Where do you wee from if not your fanny?

Get a mirror and count the holes.

Me: I'm going to Antwerp to visit a friend.
My nan: On your own? Ooh, you are brave!

As if Belgium was teeming with man-eating lions and only accessible by tightrope

theolddragon Maybe Scotland was confused with Nova Scotia?

No excuses for the other ones!

YY to the cutting with fork/knife in wrong hand. I'm a yank and after living in the UK for less a month I got so sick of the stares and "How do you eat like that?!" comments that I've forced myself to switch hands (which was very messy for a while!) and use a knife constantly!

My sister once said "I don't see the problem with child labour, at least they're getting paid".

To be fair, she was quite young at the time. I don't think she believes that now!

Have just been reading these to DP and he's reminded me of another gem from me. I used to think the Chunnel was see-through, like a drive-thru aquarium, so always really wanted to go! DP had to inform me that a) it's underground b) even if it was in the water, it would be dark so you wouldn't see anything anyway c) who would clean it if it were glass, and d) you can't bloody drive through it!!

Dreams shattered.

And another: He was working in NZ at the time, and I was flying out to visit him from the states. "Which side of the road do they drive on there, same as the US or same as UK?" "The left." "What do you mean the left?! Surely that depends on which direction you're driving?!"

I'm really not a complete moron, I swear!

in solidarity with rallytog1.

Well, I stand corrected!! Still incredibly rare, though.

MrsRambo - no, not relevant .

'There are a lot of MNers who seem to think that the channel tunnel sits on the bed of the ocean.'

I used to think this. After all it does not float, does it.

I was relieved to hear that it was a hole through the ground under the sea. But I thought the sea was deeper than that.

Mind you I used to think that Tories were called Tories because of the word 'conservatory'.

(why are they then, huh?)

One of the choice ones from my best friend's DH was that poor people should just eat lentils if they can't afford free range meat.

Also, they should keep all social housing apart from private residencies as
people in social housing are usually chavs.

They are a really nice couple despite these dubious views.

I was in the pub with my American aunt and uncle and there were some rather odd locals in their. On hearing my aunt and uncle's accents they came over and asked to be introduced.

"oh my god, you're American, I never knew Americans really existed. I've seen them on tv but thought they were made up. This is amazing! I love Elvis, have you met him?"

There. Autocorrect fail.

Rooners Tory is the anglicised form of an Irish word meaning outlaw, and was first used politically as an insulting description of royalist supporters during the English Civil Wars/Commonwealth/Restoration period. It's become shorthand for people who support the Establishment. (Don't think I can synopsise the history of the last 350 years of political change in the United Kingdom any shorter than that!)

Yes I thought they must have been thinking of nova scotia too.
And I used to think tigers were "lady lions" as well

When at uni:
American friend: so, where in South Africa are you from?
South African friend: Cape Town
American friend: no, I mean the country. Which country in South Africa? Like Kenya or something?
South African friend: South Africa is a country!
American friend: no, it's not, it's a region.
This went on for a while so I went to the bar. They were still going round in circles ten minutes later.

My DH didn't know rivers flowed into the sea - he thought the water came from the sea and they flowed inland, gradually drying up.

He also had never tried a plum until a few months ago.

DM sat the through the first half of Fame - The Musical and asked when Olivia Newton John would be coming on during the interval.

An American exchange student who believed pizza was invented by Americans and wouldn't be told differently.

The American history teacher who said WWII started in 1941 - I guess it did for some

Playing catchphrase with 20 year old ds, I hold up a card with a picture of an aeroplane with the head of an elephant in it. He stares for a while then gets all excited and yells elephant plane!

And he's at uni. Sigh.

My bil once turned to my husband and said do you know that there are s

We were out for dinner with my parents when my bil turned to my husband and said do you know that there are some people out there who literally have to wait for their next pay cheque to come in at the end of the month so they can spend again they literally have no money left until they get paid. I can't believe people live like that everyone should always have at least 6 month pay in the bank surely everyone knows that. My husband had to point out that actually a large percentage of the population live like that. In fact he didn't mention that we were having a tough time that month so much so I had told my husband to poo at work as we were running out of toilet paper and couldn't afford more until payday. I think my husband did well not to punch him!

Oh Betty! Thankyou so much. I can now pretend to be clever if the subject ever arises again

A friend on explaining why she thought her 2 year old's speech was quite poor told me, with a straight face, that said child had been concentrating on other things "He has amazing leadership qualities. We think he is going to be a leader of men".

I spat out my coffee and she gave me a filthy look.

My London friend who asked whether Edinburgh was further north than Birmingham.