What's the most barking thing you've witnessed at a mum's group?

[Berts]

Not just the usual competitive, Stepford Mommies rubbish, but real 'back away now, slowly' stuff.

Mine was when one of the babies, ten months old fell over and banged his head. His mum picked him up to give him a cuddle (of course) but, when he didn't stop crying pretty quickly she stands him on her lap, looks him in the eye and starts barking: "Man up! Come on, Man up!"

Barking being the operative word...

poppy the poor woman was obviously in shock, but the child needed to get to A&E. I had 3 dcs with me and no more space or carseats or I'd have taken her. It was really upsetting.

Kerala. That's shocking!

I think I went to the wrong toddler groups!

When I took my son to our local baby group there was always one mum who left 10 mins early because the song time at the end "over stimulated" her baby.

I work in a children's centre in a deprived area, and haven't really come across any weirdness. I do remember the fire brigade being called one day because a child had got their head stuck in a toy washing machine in the home corner!

I took DD1 to baby massage, all other mums were serenely bf and massaging their DC. I could not get DD to bf, she hated the massage and screamed the whole time, and to top it all I managed to knock over the owners plant that she called her "money plant" and made an enormous mess.

On a roll now, not strictly relevant, but I overheard a Mum say to her toddler, 'For fucks sake you look like a fucking spaz' I flinched and really wanted to talk to her because everything else apart from that was lovely. He was sitting up in a highchair, appropriately dressed, eating and drinking. Mums tone was kind and she was really engaging with him. I hope it was an off the cuff remark to make her friend laugh.

Do you know what would be funnier?

If Panpipe Lady was Turtle Child's mother.

I had to google panpipes as I didn't have a clue what it was :) I'm all clued in now.

Some if these ate hilarious but I feel so sorry for all the kids being swore at.

Also that poor kid who's hand was chewed by a goat. That must of been horrible!

eminemmerdale I didn't think you were being offensive at all.

Mine isn't funny like turtle boy or pan pipes (which made me laugh out loud) but there was one mum at messy play who like to tell everyone loudly she hated the "fucking foreigners" (ie polish women) at our group and that she had social services observing her. Then at the end of the session told her daughter to "get down the stairs before I fucking throw you down" which made me I was very embarrassed and didn't say anything but wish I had now.

Anyway! More funny stories please

I used to take ds to a baby swimming class when he was about 5 months old. The pool only had a really small walkway around the she to exit the building, so we used to change, then edge our way round the pool past the next class and out the door. One day I had worn flip flops with very smooth soles. On the way out after dressing , whilst carrying also fully dressed ds, I slipped. To avoid him being bumped on the side of the pool I sort of threw myself away from the edge, we did a sort of belly flop with a massive splash into the pool a metre away from the next class who all looked on in bewilderment as i held ds aloft to keep him out of the water. He didn't even cry, just stared at me as if to say "why would you do that you lunatic?". I was mortified.

Ooh yes Iwillorder I took dd to baby massage and whilst all the well behaved babies were lying there being massaged nicely, my dd just rolled over and shoved anything in her mouth that she shouldn;t have. And cried whenever I attempted to massage her Oh well at least it was free!

I am crying at Naked Panpipe Lady and Wipe the Cum Off the Table.

washngo: what did you wear to travel home?

I think car seat tortoise and naked panpipe elf are going to go down in MN history as the things people say now to prove they're not a troll

If any of these women have a face like a bag of spanners and live in the Dorchester area - that's my SIL. . She loves performance parenting, the heuristic basket is never far away she has panpipes but it's all for the pfb DD2 just muddles along with benign neglect.

She was obsessed with 'Elimination Communication' - every 10 minutes, no matter where or what the weather was the pfb was stripped and encouraged to perform.
She was asked to leave Monsoon because the staff felt that a semi-naked 14 month old sat on a potty by the wedding frocks did n't improve the customer experience. She will never darken their door again ,.

I once got a ten minute lecture on the fact I was holding a cup of tea at a playgroup, with babies crawling around me, and that I was seriously irresponsible and she had worked in a burns unit and had seen what hot tea can do to small children... I tried repeatedly to tell her that the tea I was holding had stood in the separate kitchen for twenty minutes and was in fact stone cold, but she wouldn't let me get a word in.
(Not minimising the risk of hot drinks around children but really feel she should have given me the benefit of the doubt and not launched into accusations.)

I remember being at one hideously ultra-competitive under-1s group once, and someone's DP walked in, smiled broadly and asked in a loud and very plummy voice, 'Does anyone know which exam board we could register our Hughie with for his maths?I'm not sure he would manage A-level, but I think just an AS for now will be OK.'

I wanted to applaud. I suspect others did, too.

washngo very apt name under those circumstances.

DH and i were followed around the zoo by a Mum and her toddler - she was singing everything in a tuneless sing song voice to her child. I think she thought she was in an episode on Cbeebies.

At sealion pool - "They're waiting for their dinner... dinner dinner dinner"
At lions "the lions go roar .. roar .... and show their claw"
(you get the general idea)

we couldn't seem to get away from her....i still can't make up my mind whether she was unhinged or quite sweet

not that ive been at a group for years but i did see a fight in a playgroup about BULLYING BEHAVIOUR the children were 18ish months old the mum actually started poiting at the other mums shoulder and told her she has to get her kid under control as her little X was being bullied was all very

Oh and mine was at a zoo but it just about counts as it was a trip organised by the toddler group.

washngo oh em geeeee. I am gutted for you but also highly amused by your misfortune. I am sorry, but I would have laughed my head off. I am doing so now.

Bless you. If it makes you feel any better, I once did a summer in the theatre aged 16, and during an outdoor performance at the Glasgow Garden Festival, dressed in only in linen bandages, my god damn bandage slipped and my right bap was out for all to see, totally unnoticed by me for at least 15 minutes.
My life pretty much ended for at least three days after that one.

a mum hasn't spoken to me for 17 years because i picked up her dds jacket by mistake the kids went through primary and high school together she never spke or looked at me again

Portblack I laughed at the singing lady. I think I may have done that as it is the sort of thing I do, but mostly for a laugh...not to be worthy. Mostly to make dh laugh. I wouldn't do it for very long mind. Just for a song or three.

Ubik that reminds me of my DS who was utterly obsessed with the dressing up rail...in particular the floatiest, spangliest girliest fairy costume at playgroup. DS1 was about 2. A woman told me I was 'brave' to let him wear it and what on earth must my husband say? (as DS1 frolicked past in his fairy outfit). I wish i'd had a witty comeback but dear MNetters, I just bit my lip and smiled politely.

Except the time DS1 completely refused to take the damn thing off. I'm glad no-one has posted yet about witnessing a mad shouty woman at a Midlands playgroup having a massive meltdown circa 2009. I had DS2 screeching attached to me in his sling while DS1 scarpered out of my grasp giggling. He was wearing not only the fairy outfit but carrying a large red patent handbag and wearing a policeman's helmet while I shouted 'For the love of god DS1, take the damn dress off, we have to go to the other room for snacktime....' I sort of lost the plot....and burned with embarrassment under the withering looks from the other mums.

I also remember chatting to a mum at this playgroup. We stood and watched her child (who was rather a challenge to say the least) drag my son along the floor into the playhouse and sink his teeth into DS1's arse. She didn't bat an eyelid and told little Johnny to not do that in such a half arsed way so I think this was a regular occurrence.

I am SO glad the playgroup years are behind me...