What's the most barking thing you've witnessed at a mum's group?

[Berts]

Not just the usual competitive, Stepford Mommies rubbish, but real 'back away now, slowly' stuff.

Mine was when one of the babies, ten months old fell over and banged his head. His mum picked him up to give him a cuddle (of course) but, when he didn't stop crying pretty quickly she stands him on her lap, looks him in the eye and starts barking: "Man up! Come on, Man up!"

Barking being the operative word...

For a moment then I thought you meant she was swinging it up and over her head! (You know that party trick you do with a bucket full of water and you swing it so fast over your head the water stays in the bucket).

Hahahahahaha

Actually I know I am

Moved to a new area last year, and went to a new playgroup to try and make friends with DD1 (2.5) and DD2 (5 months). It was fantastic, friendly mums, great equipment, well run, I was in heaven. At the end we all sat down for lunch on the floor with our kids - about 15 mums and 20+ children. I realised I had left DD1's sippy cup in the car, which was just outside. I turned to the lovely mum next to me and asked if she wouldn't mind watching them for me while I ran to the car. She said yes.

...I know, I should have taken them, but DD1 was 2.5 and would have had a shit fit to be taken away from her lunch, and I thought, I'll only be 30 seconds...

I ran out of the room, pushed open the heavy door to the foyer, straight into a toddler, who fell over and started screaming, proper 'I'm in agony' screaming. I was mortified and apologised and apologised. The mum couldn't have been nicer about it. I got to the car, grabbed the sippy cup, and when I got back into the foyer, to find she'd taken his sock off and there was blood EVERYWHERE. I had split his toe open with the door.

I was beside myself with horror and the sainted mum just kept saying, 'he'll be fine it was an accident.' Then I heard more screaming...

Both DD1 and 2 had cottoned on to the fact I wasn't there and had both had screaming meltdown fits while poor lovely mum did the best she could and they teated her like some kind of evil mummy stealer. I walked back into the room to find 15 pairs of unsurprisingly judgey eyes staring at me, blurted out "there's blood everywhere and it's all my fault" and then burst into tears myself.

It took about 5 days for me to stop chewing my fist night and day with horror over that experience.

This woman who had a daughter at the same playgroup as my son would proudly tell me she was having her daughter's entire immune system "killed off" to start all over again.

I dunno what exactly she was doing to or having done to her but the kid always looked ill.

I really must do some work but marking my place to read with a big glass of vino tonight...
Great thread am wee roaring at the first page!

She turned up at school the next day in a burka that had been at the bottom of the bag. I didn't recognize her until she made herself known to me and Said she had just fancied a change.

WHAT? This is hilarious!!

I am crying with laughter at "they went down like skittles".

I am a bad person.

"Why don't you look where you're going"!

Oh Bupcakes - why oh why would you offer to BF another woman's child??

Then she says "No, MY name is Astrid, the baby's name is Murgatroyd."

Murgatroyd is a gorgeous name. I'm putting that one on the list for the next baby. Along with London-Star.

At one baby group I go to there is a bit of an obsession with an iPhone app that records everything your baby does and plots it into charts. As soon as babies blink/ smile, burp, wee etc the phones come out and are gaffes with for ages, until the next momentous event. Inbetween phone moments, the mums spend most of the time tutting at other mums and childminders who dare to read their text messages. They then go home half way through singing as their app predicts baby will be needing a nap in 7.26 minutes.

I used to go to a group run by a mum who over time I realised had some issues. Nice person but lacking in a lot of basic skills - house was very very dirty, she had BO issues (but kids were clean and well fed) and had a rather strange relationship with her DH. I did like her though so I persisted until it became clear that her DS's (aged 3) behaviour was getting out of control. It was a very small group but every couple of weeks someone new would come along, the DS would terrorise them - push them, bite them, scream at them - friend who was supposedly running the group would do absolutely nothing about it and the new person would never come back again. She didn't seem to see a problem.

The DS was a bit wary of me as I wasn't afraid to tell him off but at one stage when I was newly pregnant he pushed my DS over and I lost it. Not at the child, but at the mum, her husband and the child's fecking grandmother who were all present and completely ignoring the boy's terrible behaviour. I'm afraid I was the one who looked a bit of a lunatic in this instance - I was just so frustrated and annoyed that yet again my DS's fun had been spoiled by this child and with 3 carers in the room not a single one was watching out for this child who had obvious behaviour problems. Thankfully the dad seemed to agree with me. I stormed out and never went back. Not my finest moment.

The mum did ring me repeatedly after that trying to excuse herself but I was having none of it - it was bloody ridiculous that she was running a group which seemed to exist solely for her child to terrorise other children.

I've also seen a mum who sang everything. She sang to the child "Come on Raffley-Raffleton-Rafey-Rafe, put your shoes on! Let's go and plaaaaaaay! Oh yay!" On and on and on. It made me irrationally angry. Especially when she then passive aggressively sang at me instead of using the commonly accepted "excuse me" when I was accidentally in her way. "Oh dear, there's a lady in the way, lady in the way, lady in the way! Why won't she moooooo-ooooo-ooooo-o-o-move?" is just rude.

Have we mentioned competitive parents who show off by going on all the soft play equipment too? Every time I've seen this the child looks bemused and occasionally annoyed because they just want to play without help. Once I saw a dad get stuck in a tube. I had my whole fist in my mouth to stop me laughing.

Love carseat tortoise boy, panpipe nudist, cum on the table and Bupper's extreme breastfeeding friend. Brilliant!

Ohh fuckadoodle and foreversunny and tortoise it was awful - on one hand I wanted to literally cry with laughter (it was like seeing the skittle family in Noddy get knocked down) on the other I was alarmed and wondering if she was in fact bonkers! Luckily my DC was fine & no tears (tough as old boots!) but her look of total shock as the bag of doom hit her was a sight to behold!

Where are these groups!!?
I neeeed to go to one!
(Will need to borrow someone's baby though, mine are too old now...)

Stop it now, no more.

Burka lady
Naked panpipe lady
Tortoise boy

And now 'Why won't she moooooo-ooooo-ooooo-o-o-move'

I can't stop laughing!

Badvoc, I have 1 x DS (3.2) and 1 x DD (18mo). You can borrow them! For as long as you like!

Oooooh lovely!
I assure you I shall come over all tiger mother should anyone so much as look at them rapunzel :)
But, seriously, where are these groups?
I feel like I haven't lived!
Can't wait to show dh this thread...ds2 keeps aski me what I am laughing at :)

Groups like these are ten a fecking penny round my way. I hate them. But also, love them. I frequent three run by batshit insane yet hilarious women. I think I go for the craic rather than the DC's development or whatever bollocks it is.

I'd quite like a friend like Burkha lady to mix things up a bit, keep me on my toes. You'd always be waiting for a clown or a uniformed maintenance man to sidle up to you and go 'hey - it's me!'

This fred has totally monopolised my day. Laughing at the loonies is the most fun ever but yes- I'm a bad person!

Turtle boy, extreme breastfeeding, naked panpipe elf. Oh lord I can't stop laughing!!!

dad proudly announcing his newborn son, London-Star.

Was the next baby DD called Daley-Mirror?

CelineMcBean I am weeping at passive-aggressive singing woman.

Panpipe elfe, tortoise boy, the tit profferer and the table sperminators are just

I think I must live I a real backwater!
Please put this in classics MNHQ,

I'm feeling very disappointed that there is none of this crazy at either group my DD goes to.

Daley-Mirror. AWESOME.

I wish our local group was like this. Only has 5 mums :)

CelineMcBean - that singing mum sounds worse then a Miranda character!