Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

Aw, guys you are doing such a wonderful thing for donewith you are really amazing!

donewith I'm so so happy you have taken up the offers of help, that takes a lot of courage, I hope you get loads done today, and have plenty of laughs along the way!

Can't wait for the updates either

Wishing you luck for today, what a great thread :)

Best of luck today :)

DoneWith you are so brave. I hope you wobble through ok today. You have loads of support here.

I'm so pleased you aren't shutting your dh out because communication is the key.

Well done to Jax, Laurie and the anonymous one and a huge well done and a hug to you DoneWith.

I am sobbing reading this. OP good luck. To those that are helping; you are truly wonderful women. I salute you all.

to you all. Nest of vipers my arse.

Not near enough to help but with you in spirit -- your kitchen is going to look amazing!

Good luck today! I love this thread. Will be back for updates and trying to do a bit of decluttering here too

This thread has inspired me to strip the beds, take all the laundry downstairs and SORT IT OUT rather than leave it in a basket for ages.

I have no proper hip sockets, so need to take a shitload of painkillers just so I can do this, but it'll be worth it.

Good luck OP and your little helpers! Will there be photos of the finished kitchen...?

Marking my place ready for updates! Mumsnet is such a great place, shame it gets such a slating from places like the Daily Mail. What do they know, eh?! :)

What a lovely thread. Good luck to donewith and her lovely band of helpers.
I wish I was close enough to help.
I shall have to clean my utility room in an act of solidarity.

What an amazing thread! Good luck today OP and helpers. Looking forward to reading updates!

Good luck!

Wow! I've got up this morning feeling all sorry for myself but now I've read this thread it's made me feel so much more positive about life. There are some incredibly warm and generous people out there.

Laurie, Jax and anonymous MNer, you're brilliant for what you're doing, and DoneWith good for you for accepting the help. That really does take guts. Good luck to you, have a wonderful Christmas and all the best to your and your DH for a really positive 2013

They should make a Christmas film about this. The feel good factor is through the roof.

Enjoy your fresh new world :)

Wishing you all luck today :) and have fun too!

You can do it xxxxxxx

Good luck today, if I was closer I too would be there to help as I actually enjoy cleaning and housework.

I helped my best friend do hers 12 months ago. Like you she was suffering depression and it had just got on top of her. It was in a pretty bad state tbh, but we did it together. I didn't and don't judge her, but her life is so different to what it was back then.

I hope it all goes well today and you reclaim a little of your home and life back :)

I never thought I would get soo excited and tearful at a cleaning thread. Wishing all of you a fabulously productive day.

Mumsnet at it's best. Magic.

Good luck to everybody today.
I will also await update tonight.
Meanwhile I'll tidy my own tip in solidarity.

Have fun today, all of you - by the end of it, you'll feel a step closer to happier, and cleaner!

I am so nervous I have the shakes! But in a good way if that is possible. I don't think I've felt so hopeful about something in a long, long time!

I also now need to mention a further lovely MNer, Chas who has just offered to send us pizza for lunch.

((((((DoneWithIt)))))) One step at a time x

Pizza. Yum. Nice one chas

Good luck today. Have you taken a 'before' photo?