50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

'Chopsticks'

FFS. My face hurts with laughing so much.

Things started to go wrong, Bernard broke the precious bobble plate when trying to spank her with a little too hard, he tried too many times to take her up the wrong un and he began to make disparaging comments about her mumsnetting too much.

Beverly rolled her eyes at his disparaging comments. Bernard's palm began to twitch. Beverly bit her lip and asked "Am I being unreasonable Bernard?". "I don't think we need to ask mumsnet, do we?" growled Bernard, as he pulled her roughly over his knee and spanked her with an empty fruit shoot bottle.

Beverly's sex quivered as she heard a familiar ripping sound "Yipee" shouted her inner godness "Bernard's filling a party bag for me"

Beverly trembled as she recalled the last party he had forced her to attend, mindful the whole night that his was the only supersoaker at the event, and he would be compelled to use it.

After the fruit shoot spanking, Bernard got up, his muscled body glistening in the moonlight, and assumed the pose of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Beverly hit him, as hard as she could, with a bag of Asda white potatoes.
Bernard gasped with pain.
"You asked me to do it. Sir" whimpered Beverly.

This is pure bliss, thank you, thank you.

"savage" growled Bernard as his gray eyes turned smouldering grey with hints of fire
"I.Want.You.So.Much.You.Are.So.Beautiful" he panted
"oh Bernard" whispered Bev
"Not you" he snapped "the potatoes, make me some chips wench"

Bernard was astonished that she had done such a thing. His chestnut mane trembled with rage and his pants slipped further down his slender hips.

Bev cowered behind the goat, who was eating the potatoes.

...said Bernard.'It takes me back to my days being all submissive to that Mes Robinson person. By eck, she could whip the shiny surface off a brown leather sofa.'

Beverly felt jealous again. She couldn't stand the idea of anyone but her touching Bernard's frothing naughty zones.

Beverly still smelt of fish. Thinking about fish and potatoes made her hungry.

She cut the potatoes into thick crinkle cut chips. They reminded her of Bernard's turgid cock.

Aha thought Bernard recalling that sexy bit of Jackie Collins with a goldfish, fish and chips, his grey eyes glazed with lust as he considered the possibilities.
Jaws hid behind the plastic treasure chest in his bowl as he saw the look in Bernard's grey eyes.

'His erections develop a lot faster than the plot', pondered Bev, boredly, as his man-juices arced over her n a way that the narrative didn't. 'Despite sex every three pages, not a lot seems to be happening with our relationship. Could we both just be one-dimensional ciphers in a crappy and unsatisfying fanfic novel, with a few thousand paragraphs of nipple-clamping and thrashing thrown in?'

'Of course not, Bella Beverley, murmured Bedward, sparkling prettily in the sudden shaft of sunlight and licking his fangs teeth 'I am an entirely new type of romantic hero, fabulously rich, insanely good-looking, and tormented fairly mad with desire for a naive brunette virgin with low self esteem and an endearing unawareness of her own beauty.'

'Oh my. Holy Crap. Well, that's all right then' cooed Bev, stripping off quickly. 'I thought the foreshadowing and cliches were getting out of control but let's do some more kinky fuckery, eye rolling and collapsing in storms of emotion and we'll be laughing all the way to the bank.'

Which was crinkly from where it had been all wet for too long, like toes in a bath.

Thread moved too quick and now there's a crinkly bank.

Bernard spanked her with crinkly bank notes while Beverley's sex curled up like a fucker snail.

There was going to be a LOT of cleaning up to do. Beverly wondered, briefly, whether she should expect Bernard to take a 50/50 share of the removal of goat hair, dried jizz and potato peelings?
But then she succumbed to his administrations, quivering with pleasure.
She reasoned that his expertise with soft rope more than made up for his shortcomings in domestic areas.

Bev rolled her eyes and bit her lips as Bernard tugged roughly at the fridge door.

"Bend over now!" he commmanded masterfully

Bev felt thick sticky cream spill over her back.

"Jam first, Bernard" she hissed through her bit lip.

Just as she was about to reach the peak of a most amazing orgasm, Beverly remembered the crinkle cut chips were still in the deep fat fryer.

Then she remembered Mrs Housekeeper. She'd sort out all the debris, with a minimum of fuss and nary a disturbed look in her eye. Bernard only paid her tuppence an hour, but she was a domestic and was glad of the work.

Bevs inner goddess continued to do the hokey cokey as Bernard repeatedly put his right arm in and out. He shook it.

As he turned around his words cut through her like a cutted up pear. 'Bev, I just don't know what it's all about.'

'oh Bernard, don't worry about a silly thing like plot! You're far too good looking and rich for it to be an issue.'

'you're right Bev. I'll just go and get those clothes pegs my housekeeper has left outside on the line. I think you'll orgasm shatteringly when I apply them to your nipples'

Bev bit the bloody mess where her lip used to be. This was way better than fantasising about Mr Bloom.

Of course, the chips were twice fried. She felt the whole German Spec Kitchen move, she bit something it was......

Suddenly the smoke alarm went off. "Damn, the deep fryer. I knew I shouldn't have left it unattended to have some kinky fuckery!"

Whilst Bev was busy with the Henry, Bernard was plotting fiendishly in his home office. He was aware that Beverly seemed to be going of the boil. Much like the spuds. He steepled his manly fingers, with their manly manicure together and pondered ponderously. He closed his manly grey eyes with his long fluttery, but manly, lashes. And wondered what he could do to keep Beverly interested.

Walking through to the kitchen , he eyed the egg whisk , the spud masher and the slotted spoon . His manly hand caressed the kitchen aid , and thought if only I had a motor like this kitchen aid , I could go all night and whip some cream in not time hands free ,

Wandering off to find bev , he took the fish slice