Odd thing you've done, and then thought 'WTF did I do that?!'

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I once found a white disc in the washing machine after a load had finished. Couldn't for the life of me work out what it was. So I licked it. Turns out it was a lemon scented bleach block for the toilet cistern. I'd scooped up the packet with the dirty washing. I don't usually lick random objects. It tasted a bit lemony, and not particularly fatal in case you were wondering.

HipHipOpotamus - that's such as classic tune isn't it? I crack up at "There ain't no pardee like ma grandma's tea pardee.... hiiii....hohhhh". I was confused until I realised you meant telephone call - sitting here thinking "But why would that be stupid - surely she'd know her name by age 3?"

Nine/Nein is an absolute classic. I mix metaphors a lot so empathised with "I can read you like a glove"... once said to my mate "Come on Em, just bite the biscuit."

And yes always trying to swipe into work with my Oyster, or vice versa.

Esian that made my pregnant stomach hurt laughing.
Calamity, my friend made the school bus stop in the rain to rescue a headchog which turned out to be a furry hat, she also made a real show of the rescue as there was a whole bus watching her. Previously mentioned ex of the bad milk measuring also tried to cook baked beans by putting 'closed' tin in a saucepan and heating it. It is damn hard getting beans off the ceiling but I had a giggle watching him try.

Oh god I did one of these yesterday. Was on the beach. Dh and dd were in the water playing. I was trying to discreetly put my bikini on under my dress. Fiddled around for ages with the top, got it stuck within my breastfeeding bra, faffed around some more and managed to get it on finally so took off my dress. Did some other stuff like lay out towels, put cream away and then looked down. At which point I notice that I've forgotten to put on my bikini bottom and am wearing the worst, saggy, tent-like and most threadbare pair of granny pants imaginable. Not only that but they have a hole in the front and some nice little tufts of bush are poking through. Then I look around and see an ex bf whom I haven't seen for oh at least 15 years staring straight at me and smiling. I threw my bikini bottom on, ran straight into the sea and didn't get out until he'd left.

LOL at the furry hat/hedgehog!! So it's not just me then.

I once got flagged down by a Policeman on foot (his car was parked up) one frosty morning. I pulled over, unsure why (couldn't actually see the copper due to my windows and mirrors being totally iced up except for a small hole I'd cleared in the windscreen), sat for a minute, thought "No, he must have just been directing me down this road as a detour" (I was a new and confused driver), drove away a few yards, thought "No, he must have been pulling me over for something", stopped again, repeated the whole thing a couple more times before I heard a bellowed "OI!" ...

Pulled over again and eventually a very irritated and out of breath Police Officer caught me up and explained that he'd pulled me over because my tax disc wasn't on show. It had fallen on the floor.

From his POV, he'd waved me over, I'd stopped at the side of the road, let him ALMOST catch up, then driven off a few yards, let him catch up, then driven off again and so on

I explained that I hadn't in fact been taking the piss but just didn't see him, due to aforementioned frosty windows. At which point he told me off again, advised me to clear them before I went any further, and stumped off.

His mate was just across the road in the Police Car and was absolutely pissing himself

Oh and when I was working with horses, particularly breaking young ones, I would often reassure my bicycle when a big lorry or tractor passed with a comforting "Steady..." or "Good boy".

Stodgy supermarket trollies would often be encouraged with a tongue click, to the confusion of fellow shoppers.

More than once I have taken a good ten minutes to realise that putting the cursor on the screen where the fly is sitting on the monitor, and clicking like mad, wil NOT make the fly move

I once got my car into an awkward position wedged up to a ticket machine (god this makes me all hot and embarrassed just thinking about it )

I was trying to leave a car park but was approaching the exit the wrong way down a one-way section. There were no other cars approaching so I thought no-one would mind. However the ticket machine was on an angle (favouring the sensible people who came the CORRECT way down the one-way section) so for me to exit I would have to swing the car round an extremely tight angle.

So I merrily swung my (quite big estate) car around and didn't leave a wide enough space and got very (very) close to the ticket machine. There was a crunching sound as I hit it. I reversed a bit (more crunching) so moved forward a bit (lots more crunching) and started to panic.

The loud crunching noises seemed to have attracted some attention because I looked up to find the previously quite empty car park was now alarmingly full and I could see people pointing at me . I heard a little boy say 'mummy that lady's just hit her car' and I saw two men chuckling at me as they walked past (bastards)

To top it off a queue of cars had started to form behind me and there I was well and truly wedged up against the damn ticket machine. Either way I tried to move resulted in more horrendous metal-crunching noises and I was getting more and more panic-stricken in the car. I actually considered getting out and just running off (but I couldn't actually get the door open so would have had to climb out the passenger side)

Eventually a gentleman took pity on me and TALKED ME THROUGH the steering wheel motions to get me out. He didn't come over to help me, but stood across the car park waving his arms doing 'right-hand-down, straighten up etc' gestures while I slowly backed out, taking half the machine with me.

NO-ONE else came to help me at all, just sat there in their cars no doubt killing themselves at the stupid woman in front.

Mortified

I used to leave the door keys in the bread bin so much it's still a running joke 12 years later with my old flatmates any time I can't find my keys.
I was really annoyed with my boss for days but didn't want to approach her about it. Good job too, as the thing I was annoyed about only happened in a dream

Cleaning out Ds's room today, found a load of flies...then horror of horrors a sealed box which as leaking and a nasty odour emiting from the area around the box.

Instead of ust taking the box out, dozy mare here, only goes and opens the box. Out fly what seems to be a thousand flies and the smell...omg the smell....I'm heaving at the thought, I can not even identify what he'd put in there.

I'm still heaving now.

I bet he shat in the box because ... well, just because!

It wasnt that. It smelt more like rancid chicken...I am thinking it was the chicken sandwich he must have taken upstairs. I honestly dont know..it wasnt shit, well it was, but I doubt that was the original substance.

Clarence, that reminded me of a similar incident that I witnessed - my friend had a close encounter with a skip.

We were in a very narrow road that was a dead end and despite the presence of a skip my friend thought it would be ok to do a 750 3 point turn. I'm not sure how she managed it but she had the corner of the skip break her little triangular window at the back of her car, finally managed to turn the car but ended up on three wheels with the corner of the skip through her other rear window (again the little triangular window, but this time on the other side of her car.) She had to ask some of our work colleagues to help lift the car off the skip. To this day I can't explain how this could even happen!

To add insult to injury this occurred outside the front door of our workplace. I'm not proud to say that I wasn't a very good friend as I was curled up on the doorstep laughing.

Oh god...

I once sat through an entire two hour seminar before realising I was in the wrong room. It dawned on me as the register came round at the end of the class. Needless to say, I haven't selected that module for this academic year. Haven't recovered from the shame.

Also, answered a text on my touch screen phone the other week, went back to my laptop and tried swiping my finger across the screen a few times, receiving some very odd looks from classmates in the process.

Walking up the stairs at uni the other day, somehow left my shoe at the bottom, much to DS's amusement.

Accidentally threw a glass of juice over DS the other day. The shock on his face, poor mite. I was already tired and emotional so went and sat on the naughty step and had a little cry.

Oooh, and there's the time I forgot I didn't have DS with me, and proceeded to ask the rather fit guy outside our local shop if his "doggy" was friendly...

Cue looks from him and his friend.

This thread is hilarious.

I once had a very important meeting with a senior client. I was really nervous but the meeting had gone well. I notices she had a hair on her lip stuck to her lipstick. I leaned across to pull it off for her and then realised it was stuck to a mole just under her bottom lip. I pulled it and she squealed.

I honestly didnt know what to do, my boss was giving me daggers and I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Luckily I went on maternity leave not long after and I never met her again.

CalamityKate I managed to get most of the way through reading this thread without laughing hysterically (barely mind you) ... until I got to yours :)

Muggles, that's hilarious!

My favourites are 'I'm Angela Henandez', the poster who assumed someone was speaking German when they said '9' and the poster who drove onto the pavement and stalled her car trying to get away from someone she mistakenly beeped her horn at

Oh god, I am howling at "Hello Bronagh"

Oh my god I am literally wetting myself reading this thread!

Mine is soooo fecking embarassing and makes me sound like a pyscho. I just can't explain my actions in any way, whatsoever, no way, no how.

I was at the bar at a pub and a friend introduced me to her Spanish friend next to her. I said 'Hi'. She bent down to get something out of her handbag on the floor and I grabbed her on the back of the neck!!!! She was trying to get up and it took me about 20 seconds to realise what the bloody hell I was doing! Then all I could say was 'God I'm so sorry'! As she looked at me in terror.

Can I just point out I didn't hurt her or grab her hard and have never done it before or since!! Honest.

DD wears "Pull Up" nappies nowadays that don't have tabs at the sides.

She did a big stinky one, the third that day, and I thought I just can't be bothered taking tights and shoes off YET AGAIN.

I thought, if I just push the tights down and make sure I hold her legs out of the way, I can slip the nappy up over the tights and shoes once she is all clean. I genuinely didn't see any difficulties with doing this. Imagine my surprise when the nappy ended up on the outside of the tights.

Spatial reasoning not great ....

I've done the opposite of rumaging in the handbag for an email attachment: I'd lost my car keys so went to the PC and brought up the 'Search' function.

I have done this more than once.

Dh once put his hand firmly down on our ceramic hob to see if it was hot. It was.

I locked myself and my then 18mth old son out of the house at around 4pm. DH was abroad working so no way to get in. I went round to my friend's house, dropped DS off with her, then proceeded to literally RUN round the town retracing my steps, even walking to the other side of town to check the hall where I'd helped run a toddler group that morning. Even rang the local police to see if anyone had handed any keys in. Nothing. In the end I went to a friend's house (who had also been ringing people to see if they'd picked my keys up) and she recommended a (thankfully cheap) locksmith. He came round at about 8pm and changed the lock so I could get in the house. Phew! All's well that ends well, DS went to bed late but at least we got back in the house.

A few days later I went to put some washing on the line and found my housekeys in the peg bag. I'd obviously put some washing out the day I locked myself out, popped the keys in the peg bag (for safekeeping!) and literally fifteen minutes later thought I was "locked out". What a prize plum. Have never confessed to my lovely friends who put themselves out to help me!

A senior manager at work wanted to send an email to someone whose name he couldn't spell. He asked me and I answered with (can't remember the actual name) Suh-Muh-I-Tuh-Huh. He looked a bit surprised, but said thanks and walked off. Then i realised what I'd done . In my defence, DD was learning to read and write at the time and always asking how to spell words.