Odd thing you've done, and then thought 'WTF did I do that?!'

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I once found a white disc in the washing machine after a load had finished. Couldn't for the life of me work out what it was. So I licked it. Turns out it was a lemon scented bleach block for the toilet cistern. I'd scooped up the packet with the dirty washing. I don't usually lick random objects. It tasted a bit lemony, and not particularly fatal in case you were wondering.

Picture the scene ... Al fresco lunch with smart potential new boyfriend ... glasses of wine on the table, perusing menu....

A fly was on the edge of my glass so i flicked it off and then stuck my tongue out at it as i'd got the wine and not it (iyswim) - knew he had his nose in the menu. Unfortunately the alcohol must have slowed the fly down because it got stuck on the end of my tongue.

Yup ... just as he looked up he sees potential new girlfriend apparently catching flies like a frog.....the look on his face was

Not my story but DH's.

DH & friends had been on a heavy stag weekend in London. They met for breakfast the final morning all still half cut from the previous night. The last member of the party to make it to breakfast walked right past the group, loaded up his plate at the buffet and proceeded to sit down...at a table of eight Chinese people.

Apparently took him a good few minutes to realise he had sat at the wrong (really, really wrong) table, at which point he got up, muttered/slurred an apology and joined the rest of the stag party at their table.

Has anyone ever gone to throw their dirty clothes in the laundry basket and lifted up the lid of the toilet and thrown them in there instead?

Or is that just me?

MortBlackCatsandWitch - that is hilarious

Have only just seen this, it's great. i had a wonderfully genius moment the other day, in my back garden sawing up old bits of skirting board (saw in right hand, left hand supporting said skirting board). I felt something on my wrist (it was a HUGE spider) so my instict to hit it with the contents of my right hand (wasn't until after i had whacked my arm with a saw that it occurred to me that i had infact just hit my hand with a saw). Needless to say i was pleased to look down and find that my hand was still there

I am literally crying with laughter at these.

Couple of months ago me and DP went for ice cream at the ice cream parlour near us, and the girl serving was someone who I haven't seen since primary school, and we were saying how nice it was to see each other again etc etc. I was holding 2 ice creams and I felt something tickling the back of my hand, obviously I couldn't look because of the ice cream in my hand. Then the hugest wasp I have ever seen walks over my hand. Cue me screaming and dancing round the car park like a lunatic trying to get away from this wasp. I made a run for the car, jumped in, thrust DPs ice cream at him, got my seatbelt on and was ready to go. Then DP asks 'But what about your purse?' I'd left my fecking purse and change at the counter and had to go back and face this girl who I hadn't seen for 9 years again. Oh the shame

Have spent today pissing myself at this thread, so will add my (much less hilarious) own moment.
Had left my purse at home that day, and had borrowed some cash off a friend to buy lunch. I drove to Morrison's on the way home, and sat in the car on the phone to DP telling him about the purse-forgetting. I then went into the supermarket, filled a basket with shopping, and was really surprised when I got to the checkout and (surprise, surprise) didn't have my purse with me so couldn't pay for my shopping.

When I was a student, living in a shared house, we were all a bit bored one day. The phone rang and I answered it in a really really stupid over the top crazy voice, the very official sounding person on the other end said "Is SorryMyLollipop available please?" I couldn't think how to get out of the situation so I decided to carry on talking in my ridiculously crazy voice and said "I'll just get her for you" then I paused for a moment before resuming my normal voice and said "Hello?" and carried on the conversation, so embarassing.

I have no idea why I did that, at the time I couldn't think of any other options.

In college during first few weeks sat down to talk to girl from my class - halfway through conversation realised I was mistaken and she was a complete stranger. Ended up friends for a few years though.

20 years later driving slowly past supermarket door and thought I recognised an old teacher who was a friend of my parents (can you see a theme emerging)?
Stopped car and rolled down passenger window to greet him
Me "How are you haven't seen you in ages"
Him "I'm very well, sure isn't this weather nice?"
Me "Yes it is lovely, I'm off home to do the garden this afternoon"
Him "Well enjoy, see you around, take care"
Me "Bye, have a lovely weekend"
The penny had dropped for me about halfway through the exchange, but I kept smiling and nodding to the end ("brazen it out, brazen it out" running through my mind).
The lovely polite man was probably racking his brains thinking he SHOULD have known who I was....

On weekend away in college in Galway, having a morning after fry-up with about 6 mates. Practically licked my plate (sausages, bacon, black and white pudding, fried eggs, the works) THEN realised I had been vegetarian for the previous year. Am not vegetarian any more.

Frequently dream that my DD (15) has behaved horrendously (completely refused to get up for school/help with chores/is telling me to f*ck off) I wake up and am in very bad mood with her until I remember the reason for the bad mood is IMAGINARY. She now laughs at me when I apologise for being narky. In RL she is great BTW.

Not me but colleagues - very tragic funeral of a young colleague (suicide). About 30 of us travelled to his home town for it. After funeral we were all catching up and organising lifts back o/s the church. Four of the lads had been sitting in the church when the priest said "Let's bring Mary to the front of the church now" (i.e. roll the coffin up the aisle to the altar) and said a few words about how she had had a good long life and it was lovely to see everyone here to see her off. Cue 4 of my colleagues sheepishly trying to leave the church by the side door as discreetly as possible (wrong church).
They then proceeded to get to the right church and sneak in the back - and then tell us all in the churchyard afterwards. You know when you are sad but also not supposed to laugh and just HAVE to hold it in? I left teethmarks in my leather gloves.

Oh and when I was about 15 my best friend had a dream I was making moves on her. She woke up and forgot dream but was very iffy with me all day (I still remember wondering what I'd done to her). On walk home from school it all came back to her - she'd spent about 2 miles walking with a large amt of space between us in case I dropped the hand! (we're both straight btw...)

The other day I made pasta for me and my son. When it was ready to be drained I just poured it all straight in the sink and couldn't work out what was missing.

I was in Tesco and a man near me sneezed. I said good boy for covering your face! He was a lot older then me and didn't seem happy with my comment.

I was on the bus alone and had walked down the stairs as my stop was coming up. I then slipped on the bottom step which threw me forward. I landed face down on a man's crotch who was sat near the steps. I got off straight away and walked the rest of the way home laughing and slightly crying with embarrassment.

When the snow was really heavy earlier this year I was really struggling to lift the heavy snow-covered lid on our MASSIVE communal bins in the car park, so stood on the carpark wall and put all my weight on it to get a better grip. The bins of course are on wheels.
It slipped, I lost my balance and went head over heels into the bin along with my bag of rubbish.
Then had to call my dp from inside the bin, to help me get out.

Re-reading for comedy value, and to add my own.

My friend told a group of Scouts and Guides to "take off your clothes" before we started running a fitness session. She forgot to insert the word "outdoor" into the sentence. And couldn't understand why they all looked confused and I was laughing and also looking confused!

Party stress!

Hahaha really hilarious!

I have a thread in chat. I just noticed a smear on my glasses and took them off, inspected said smear, licked it, and rubbed on jumper.

Except that the smear was washing up liquid from earlier. Bleurgh.

My worst, from a great many choices...

On a backpacking holiday ten years ago, a guy in the group I was travelling with, who I had a bit of a thing for, kindly asked me if he could help me on with my rucksack. In response, I said "no thank you, I'm a sturdy little turnip".

Of all the ways I wanted him to perceive me, as a robust root vegetable was pretty low on the list.

(We did get together briefly, after a respectable amount of time - years - had elapsed.)

Thank you for this thread. I was weeping with laughter at it last night.

Hilarious thread! Not me but MIL

Going round with FIL to introduce themselves to new neighbours. When they opened the door the first thing put of MIL's mouth was 'we love you' !!

Apparently she was a bit nervous and muddled up the various 'lovely to meet you' lines she had been rehearsing in her head. Bless her.

Also, no idea why but when someone on the phone asks me if I have pen and paper to hand, I often say yes even though I don't! I then have to pretend to be writing a number down, repeating each number etc...

Haha wildwaterfalls I do that too! Why don't I just say "Sorry, I don't have a pen to hand"

You dread one day the person on the other end will say "Can you just repeat the number back to me to check you took it down right?".....ermmm actually no.

*I dread..that should of said.

I was driving Dh to the eye hospital for a follow up appt. Neither of us know the area well and we were a bit lost. As we got on the roundabout we realised I should have taken the first exit but it was too late so I went all the way round and back off at the first exit. A few weeks later we were going back and again we were lost, Dh trying to direct me. We came to that roundabout and he said "and at this roundabout you need to go all the way round and off - that way". I nodded intently,made perfect sense. A few seconds later, as we came up to the roundabout he said "or you could just take the first exit without going all the way round"
We both realised what he'd said at that point - don't know what I found funnier, that he'd said it, or that I'd seen nothing wrong with it!

I get a lift to work from a friend who had turned up early and I was still getting dressed. Threw a thin orange vest top and cardy on and rushed out to the car.

Got to work, sat at my desk, scratched my shoulder, realised there was no bra strap there...that's right, had gone to work wearing a thin vest top and no bra!

My work friends pissed themselves about the fact I couldn't stomp round the office like normal.

This thread has had me in hysterics.

I passed my driving test and was really excited about driving to a local shopping centre. When I got home my mum asked how the drive was. I had completely forgotten about the car and got the bus home. Doh.

When I about 16, one of the most popular boys came up and said Hello Verytellytubby at the school gates. i literally screamed in his face and ran off. I didn't stop running until I got home 15 minutes later. I was like Forrest Gump. 24 years on I have no idea what happened. He still married me though

Yesterday I changed DD's bedroom curtains, putting the clean ones up, I noticed they were a bit creased in a few places, so thought I could use the iron to steam them in situ.

I held the iron up on steam setting, pulling them tight at the bottom, which worked well. Then for some reason I put my hand behind the fabric and ironed over it. They are thin cotton, why the hell did I do that!?

Bump need more to make me laugh please.