So, we're getting married, best ways to irritate all our guests here please

[Madascheese]

Well DP pitched up with a very pretty bit of jewellery yesterday and proposed! How excited am I?

What about a flintstone style wedding It has the advantage of using rabbit furs for clothing, a remote rocky location, plus no shoes required !

ffft Pedant FAIL! ;)

The interested may wish to know that I went as Dennis the Menace and my DH went as Minnie the Minx. We did Not Approve.

I know!
I was obv so distracted by the hideous nature of the wedding

Yes, from here on in, it's none of the bride's business is it, Sun? It'll save us a vast amount of trouble if we just let her stew from now.

Mad, we'll let you know when you're needed. Keep your diary open.

(Congrats by the way)

Jux

I have a Tuesday free in 2025 but at 5pm I have a smear test. Can we wrap it up by then?

I would be grateful.

Back to the Adam Ant costumes and sugared almonds in organza bags.

[sigh]

I am being sooo used here.

Mad

Please open your curtains - I can't see in.

I shouldn't worry about your test, surely we're just starting the wedding off and then retiring for the rest of the day - you'll get to your appt with no problem and can then come back to me to help with the downing of the expensive champagne we should have sent to the wedding, but y'know, these van drivers [shakes head sadly]; anyway they'll have that fake Pimms that my brother smuggles brings in (very exclusive doncha know dahling) which we'll fob off be providing at vast trouble and expense.

I don't really see that once we've rapped a few people over the knuckles about skinning the rabbits we need to hang about, do you? We should turn up at the end to collect the final payment and by then, of course, we'll be just thoroughly exhausted and wasn't it all just marvellous? (I also have contacts who can provide us with half a dozen hard guys with Uzis, to encourage people to leave.) It looks like the bride's becoming a bit arsey difficult. Would you like one of the guys to deal with the curtain issue? They're quite persuasive.

When the vicar says 'you may kiss the bride', make it a full-on snog with groping.

Hand out tacky thank you gifts to bridesmaids, ushers, mothers, aunties etc etc during speeches... Excruciatingly boring for everyone forced to sit through the long arduous process.

Jux

I have just booked their honeymoon.

Uranium mining in Gulag 7. I have booked hut number 9 - have a look at the brochure

www.youwillnotlastthemonth.co.siberia

[goes all dreamy]

Excellent Sun. They'll never forget it. (Nice touch, the Dostoevsky by the, er, - bed? - very homely.)

Jux

it will be iron cots beds. Men and women are separated.

They can wave to each once a month through the razor wire flower be-decked and garlanded lattice weave fence.

I think our work here is pretty much done. Shame we can't make it. Our fee for this is so enormous we shall be on Necker Island sipping Cristal champagne by an azure sea.

It will be hell dahling.

More Pimms sweetie? Is this the stuff your brother 'acquires'?

Bride's gone quiet. Wonder why?

Have no fear of that, dahling. My bro's stuff goes straight to the punters.

I've just bought a jet. Would you like a lift?

Jux

Don't worry I will take mine - I have to stop off at Waitrose on the way.

Mad

When you listen to the radio in bed can you turn it up - Jux and I can't quite hear it when we are hiding standing in your wardrobe.

Thanks

Jux - I don't know why you're thinking of leaving for your smear test? Surely more efficient to get the nurse along too? Plus once the speculum's out you could have her staffing a little compulsory booth for all the female guests to "learn to love themselves, inside and out".

Sun, Elephant's got an idea for us. Perhaps she could be our Third In Command (you know, the one who takes the flak by actually being there on the day?).

keeping a dignified silence

Ladies I wouldn't dream of interfering when you are planning the day of my dreams and clearly have your profit margins my best interests at heart at all times

Plus while you're occupied here I'm making the real plans elsewhere...MUHAHAHAHA Just trying to flush out the scary ones on this thread...

A wedding I was at years ago was interrupted during the bride and groom's waltz by a policewoman strippergram paid for by the groom's friends. It was horrendous - luckily no children, the fainthearted or people of a nervous disposition were there. It was a long four minutes. The couple are still married though!

Elephant and Jux

You are right - I was being selfish about the smear test. The altar can double up as an examination table - stirrups, stirrups we need stirrups.

Where the bloody hell is the bride?

I have bows and ribbons to attach to her dress and the groom needs to practice his make up.

Jux

Bring the Pimms dahling - I have an attack of the vapours coming on. Burn that bloody feather would you.

Elephant

Take over - I cannot cope with this - it is all to much. I mean I am just getting over the telegram. Johnny 'bought the farm' in Flanders. I have mascara in my eye godammit. I am NOT crying AND the butler is pissed on the cooking sherry.

I need to retire. BRIDE! BRIDE!

[Faints gently yet elegantly on the chaise]

Last wedding I went to the bride looked like a total tart. Hate to say that about my own daughter and all but whatever.....

[Faints again]

Jux Elephants

She has another thread.

[Eyes glow red and telepathically call Jux and Elephants [hissing] - seek and kill seek and kill

Hi Mad

How are you darling? All happy and relaxed? Looking forward to the big day? Excited?

Soooo happy for you. We all are

did you see this?

Aitch

Must be a different thread - never mentioned Adam Ant costumes, Gulags, Pimms or Jux and Elephants

Sorry. Check again sweetie

I think it might be a nice touch if we invited all guests to contribute to purchasing the Koh-i-Noor to adorn the left stirrup, as a kind of ironic-chic-twist-on-the-garter-thing darrlings.

thoughts?

We did Aitch - :)

Sun sweetie, I've burnt a whole bird (one of those I was training up for the wedding). Here's the Pimms, take a big gulp, you'll feel much better soon.

I don't have contacts in the stirrup world, but I believe our Third In Command may know a doc or two (or can get to know a doc or two)? I'm sure she can get someone to knick some stirrups. Of course, we could always order a gold plated pair with diamante from Harrods; they may no longer deal in exotic animals, but they haven't gone completely to pot, quite yet.

Jux and Elephants

Bride seems chirpy today - can't have that now can we girls?

Have we told her about the dance routine we have organised?

We will be expressing through the medium of dance the oppression and servitude suffered by women throughout millienia due to the constraints of marriage and the suffering of the women trapped within this archaic and outmoded institution.

It will be fun - I will be the one bound in chains and gagged.

Soooo excited

Jux

Agree with you re: Harrods - gone to hell in a hand cart since they stopped selling baby elephants.