So, we're getting married, best ways to irritate all our guests here please

[Madascheese]

Well DP pitched up with a very pretty bit of jewellery yesterday and proposed! How excited am I?

Have too few chairs at the evening meal...oh how they'll laugh.

Have a hen weekend far away and when a friend tells you from the outset that she wont be able to make that date get very cross. In fact get so cross that when said friend arrives at your wedding (for which she has made a 10 hour round trip and taken a day off work and bought a thoughtful and expensive present) blank her completely and then actually never speak to her again, certainly never thank or even acknowledge the presen

Oh dear, it looks like I'm going to fail and fail again judging by our fledgling plans of a 3pm wedding in July followed by a bbq/bar/band combo in a marquee 100 yards from the church door then. With no wedding list (let's face it it's a bit cheeky second time around?) one maid of honour (too many flower girls to choose one) and lovely family and friends I'm going to struggle a bit to incorporate any of your very helpful suggestions.

Surely there is time to come up with something on the invites?

it's not too late. you could still force everyone to play jenga!

From various over the years...

Have an unnecessarily large entourage of ushers, who's function is to ...be presented with a bottle of scotch

Speeches provide much mileage for upset don't they...?

Excellent tip for the groom: don't mention the bride at all in your speech

F of the B: trap on about the bride and all her minor childhood glories, preferably accompanied by slide-show; gloss over or don't mention the groom other than some tedious football team allegiance gag; then imply threateningly that you'll be always watching her back

Give a bride's speech which outlasts Groom's, BM's and F of the B, detailing the incredible traumas of preparing handmade menus, place-cards, orders of service; make patronising and ungracious remarks about support, highlight barely noticeable minor glitches in the day's proceedings and then burst into hysterical tears. Real feel-good and striking a blow for the sisters.

Other speeches make back-handed references to arch control-freakery of bride; while rest of guests roll eyes and mouth 'nightmare' through smiling gritted teeth

Get best man to busk through 'telegrams' punctuated by "...from Helen and Joseph, whoever they are..!" etc and flicking through the rest declaring them to be "much of a muchness"

Definitely stagger sending the invites out for no apparent reason to cause incredible panic amongst flustered highly-strung relatives. Make sure the most forward-planning-inclined get theirs last to increase chances of hyperventilation and anxious intra-family crisis phone-calls.

OOOh the money one - my mother was invited to a "work-friend"'s wedding. The invitation not only detailed a gift list - but also the cost of each person attending - with a completed bank deposit slip.

Ie. mum goes - she must deposit £x into their account and bring xxx present.

Kindly, they did a discounted rate for children attendees.

OMG WTF>>>!>!>!>!

She ended up being busy that day.

Daymonkey - smile sweetly, tell her of course you'll go along with it all, the day before, come down with the runs and say you'll be pooing all day so can't make it. Say you think the DCs are looking peeky so probably will also be pooing and throwing up by the morning, best to keep them away from her so she's not throwing up on her wedding day. So sorry and you're looking forward to seeing the photos.

Make sure you buy some nice trashy magazines - as in order to make sure your DCs don't dob you in later, you'll have to spend a lot of time locked in the bathroom making groaning noises, so you might as well have something to read. Tell your DP he can't be the ill one as your DSis would expect you to go without him but noone will expect him to go on his own.

But to make sure you don't spoil the day completely, I'd make sure you drop off said board games the week before on the premise you're so worried you'd forget on the day and ruin it all!

Somehow, I suspect that the other guests would be relieved if we were unable to drop of the board games!

This bit is very, very important. It is your day and no one else's. If you like Metallica, Deff Leppard, AC-DC, Iron Maiden etc - you make sure the DJ (who has tried to change your mind) knows this good and proper.

Get very, very angry when guests with bleeding eardrums leave at 9pm.

Also, please invite 150 guests and supply enough food for twelve (the Olympic sprinters will be fine) others can get a take away on the way home. They won't mind.

Hold the wedding at an old, picturesque church miles from anywhere, so old and picturesque that it doesn't have any toilets, then faff around after the wedding taking photos for 3 hours.
Sing hymns that are old words with new tunes, or new words with old tunes, or sing a well-known hymn in a completely different rhythm!

Make sure the best man is the sort who'll be able to speak for an hour (aided by props and a video montage) and then shake the hand of every single guest to accept his congratulations.

Guests love it when they're abandoned with no refreshments or seating for a couple of hours while you have your photos taken.

Tell your friends to work out amongst themselves who can be the sole bridesmaid.

Addicted, I think I'd delete this 'friend' from your facebook and your life.

Don't worry, Madascheese! There's still plenty of fun to be had.

Have you got any plans for a Hen night yet? Why not thoughtfully combine it with the Stag night, for convenience of all your friends. Then hold it a couple of days before the wedding; a full day of paint balling held at the opposite end of the country during the middle of the week. You could even insist that people wear their swimming costumes to save on laundry afterwards.

People will surely love shelling out for such a lovely day, and you get the added bonus that the bruises they acquire will be forever documented in the photographs at the wedding ceremony.

Congratulations on your engagement. :)

Madas, you're just not trying hard enough. Surely your DP has a waste of space mate that he just has to have as his best man who then gets so appalling drunk that he makes smutty jokes about the groom's mother and the eight year old bridesmaid during his speech.
Or a mate who can be guaranteed to get so drunk that he decides to exit the very posh wedding venue by doing forward rolls through the reception, down the stairs and out the main door.
Or a brother that treats the day like an extended pub crawl and is so pissed by 5pm he has to be taken home by his dad.

Get married in Scotland* when all your family live in the South East, that should really make them feel loving towards you.

FakePlasticTrees, like your suggestion -got any more?

*No disrespect to any Scotland- it's just that it's a fair old jaunt from Essex.

As the bride, show up an hour and a half late to the church, leaving all the guests sitting and sweltering in the heat - very much appreciated by male guests in full suit and tie. Make sure the wait is worth it by having a nice long ceremony as well.

Bugger off to take pictures for hours on the way to the reception venue. Have guests arrive at venue way before you and wait yet again before getting any drinks.

Bearing in mind the original start time of 1pm (+ time to get to church), make sure the buffet is not served before 8pm. That way even guests who were savvy enough to have had a huge breakfast just before setting off in the morning will be hungry for the meal. And make sure it all runs out before the last few tables get a chance to be served.

Then it's time to entertain your guests with the speeches: father of the bride, groom, best man, father of the groom, usher #1, usher #2, usher #3, bride, maid of honour, bridesmaid #1, bridesmaid #2, bridesmaid #3, mother of the groom, mother of the bride... All these people are bound to be marvellous orators and springing this on them at the last minute is sure to elicit witty, original, non-repetitive speeches.

So no one feels left out, then open the floor to anyone else who might want to say a few words: Aunty Laverne, Grandma, Cousin Angus... I can't tell you who came next, as we then decided to call it a night!

This of course is on a Sunday - but not really a problem as there is no alcohol served anyway.

This was all the same wedding by the way. Despite all this, I still came away with a warm fuzzy feeling - the couple were obviously in love and it's always nice to see.

Congratulations Madascheese!

A couple of tips to add.

If you have two nieces, only ask one of them to be your bridemaid. Make it clear that this is because the other one won't look as nice in the pictures.

Have a long registry-office ceremony.

Then move all your guests to a nearby church for an hour-long blessing.

The reception should then be held a half-hour drive away.

No refreshment of any kind should be served for at least two hours after arrival.

An hour of this time should be filled with a live classical music performance, which guests are expected to sit through in reverential silence.

oooo meat in all the salads now there is something we could work with, I'm not aiming for a full on disaster here (far too entertianing in the retelling!)just something suitably niggly to ensure grumblings and moans.

I have to say yeahbut that one of the reasons I'm marrying DP is that he doesn't have any waste of space friends at all (at least none he'd dare suggest as the best man!)

Make sure you piss off a close family member (not hard, breathing wrong can do it) the day before the wedding so you have to spend an hour on the phone on the morning of your wedding begging said sister (did I say sister) to come to the event in order not to break your mother's heart.

That'll set you up for the day.

Never mind, Madas, there's still time for him to find some.

YeahBut!

As an alternative to the no-chairs concept, consider the Guests Must Remain Seated At All Times Rule. You don't want them to get distracted from your Special Day by talking to or getting to know any of the 200 or so strangers with whom they are spending the day. When it comes to food, instead of the (also glorious) queueing option, employ waiting staff to ensure that no bum is lifted from a seat. Ideally you need around one waiter/ress per 100 guests, and try to seek out sullen 15 year old boys for the task, preferably ones who have never done it before, and can therefore tentatively carry only one plate at a time. Your wedding meal is best served cold - much like revenge, which your guests will want to exact later.

What is the thinking behind having no food available for hours? My friend is having 15 kinds of cake available on demand at her wedding, or so she tells me

One of my friends went to a wedding where one of the guests, a burlesque dancer, entertained the guests (at the bridezilla's insistence) with a strip tease and special saucy song and poem routine for the groom in the middle of the wedding feast. Surely you can manage to include that in your wedding day?

Same wedding where the bride disappeared off to the ladies to snort cocaine (making groom's elderly grandmother wait for loo for ages while she and her friends were occupying the ladies) and the groom was finally let off the leash to say hello to his friends...