So, we're getting married, best ways to irritate all our guests here please

[Madascheese]

Well DP pitched up with a very pretty bit of jewellery yesterday and proposed! How excited am I?

I think a great way to make your best friend from childhood of 29 years feel important on the day is to do the following:

Don't mention your thinking of setting a date until after your fabulous Hen party. Even then don't tell her just post photos on Facebook with descriptions of your amazing party!

Don't mention the date of your wedding to her until 4pm the day before. Then don't bother to call her just send a text with a simple message "Are you doing anything tomorrow? I'm getting married, you can come if you want". Then when she asks who is invited simply tell her it's just her and DS (don't under any circumstances invite her DH even though you was chief bridesmaid at their wedding and they paid for everything for you so you'd def be able to be part of their big day).

Just give the very basic details of the day ie it's at xxx at xpm (no further info necessary -don't make it easy as it won't be as much fun!)

Don't say thank you for the cards or presents they rushed out to buy you at silly o'clock (mind you the wedding was only in May so maybe there's time yet......).

When they eventually arrive and DS needs a nappy change after 3-4 hours in the car make sure the photographer stops them for 'arrival guest photos' just to ensure they are stressed enough!

At the meal make sure they are seated with people they don't know right at the back so they feel unimportant and cannot hear the speeches.

When they say goodbye to you at the end of the day after not having been spoken to at all just simply say "OK, bye". Don't what ever you do make them feel appreciated for dropping their plans, travelling a 8 hour round trip at very short notice with a young child and leaving dh at home, that would just spoil it!

Lastly don't contact them again unless it's via Facebook to ask for a copy of the photos they took!!

Bitter, me? Damn right I am!!

Oh that's truly dreadful! How mindblowingly self centred.....

God Addicted that's hideous!

I want to invite you to ours...

have a colour themed wedding and insist all guests adhere to it ;)

Oh forgot to add;

If you're putting wine on the tables for toasts etc make sure that you have 3 types - expensive wine for the top table, cheap but drinkable wine for important guests and stuff you wouldn't even put down your toilet aka paint stripper for 'the rest'. That way you can be sure they're put in their place!

Oh and when the speeches are made make sure the paint stripper at the back tables still has a cork in so they can't toast you and have to ask for them to be opened (rather wish we hadn't bothered!).

Bless you. I'd come too!! Seriously though congratulations, hope you have a fabulous day! xxx

it that wine thing done then? I noticed it before on the thread

I would never have thought of doing that. Way to make people feel valued!

I'm fine with 2 types of wine (top table and everyone else) as weddings are expensive enough but seriously 3 types?! WTF

It did (and still does) upset me a lot though at DH not being invited. I'm registered disabled (don't use a wheelchair but should) and struggle to lift ds. She knew this but still didn't invite dh! I seriously think she got a last minute cancellation and that's only reason I was invited.

At my wedding I even paid for her hotel etc to ensure she was ok. At hers I couldn't book the hotel as it was too short notice and we were broke but still found money for outfits, presents and £100 fuel!!! &

Just telling DH about this thread and he's got a couple to add!! I'll just tell it as it was rather than turn it into a 'what not to do' as it'll get too mixed up in my head (very easily done nowadays.....!!)

When dh's parents got married (in the 60's and before he was born) they had a party afterwards and during the party his grandma made a pass at his father!!

To make matters worse (if that's possible) at his first wedding dh went into a back room to make a private phone call and was followed in by his new step-daughter (DHs ex was a lot older than him and her daughter was around his age). When he finished his call she told him she hoped he would be very happy married to her mum and said what a great couple they made. He said thank you and went to go back downstairs, but she stopped him and said "Don't go we can have some fun here". Assuming (as you would) that he'd misunderstood her he asked what she meant at which point she put her hand on his 'Frank and beans' (I love There's something about Mary ) and said " this is what I mean....."

When dh met me he couldn't believe what an amazing extended family we have - I personally think we are just a 'normal' family. At least we knew there'd be no passes made at the bride or groom!!!

Oh. I am laughing at these brilliant suggestions.

We have experienced various themes along these lines.

1. Make sure that your maid of honour is new in town, breastfeeding an infant, running after a toddler and playing single-mother whilst her husband is away on a 6 month work contract.

1. Assure her that her role is exclusively to be at the church beside her on the big day (because she is your one TRUE friend) and then be completely unreasonable when she doesn't organise the whole event for you.

1. After she has helped mail all of the invitations, remind her that the reception is being held in a venue that really isn't child-friendly and that she OWEs it to you to find a babysitter. Keep adding to the list of demands daily.

1. Two days after the honeymoon and tell her that she isn't really a good friend and never speak to her or her family again. (Don't even share wedding photos.)

1. Leave her feeling utterly bewildered but knowing exactly why she didn't have anyone else to ask!

Or maybe you were thinking of something more fun like this?

Do make sure to get married in a remote but romantic location, on a weekday because it will cheaper. For you.

Ooh, and don't forget that what's really important is how it will look in the video. So if your guests can't actually see you making your vows because there's a camera rig in the way, so be it.

Choose a bridesmaid who is one of your most organised friends, but who can be a bit temperamental, in order to help boost her self-esteem. Bridesmaid will then proceed to gain too much weight for the dress she herself chose and was fitted for (despite bride saying pretty summer dresses, not formal dresses) and bride paid for. Get said bridesmaid to throw hissy fit on morning of wedding, be rude to bride's mother and other family and get very drunk at reception.
Choose sister as other bridesmaid, tell her "any shade of pink and purple" and be nice when she turns up wearing blue.

I'm totally over it, though, all water under the bridge y'know...

Oh, and finally, ask your five-year-old niece to be your bridesmaid, but not her two-year-old sister, because she is too young to understand or mind. Then wait three years to get married.

Ooh, ooh, has one of you been married before, did you mention? I'd forgotten my cousin's wedding, where the imported Very Old Religous Bloke doing the ceremony (bishop of somewhere in Zambia, long story) went on at considerable length about how the groom, yes, had been married before but VORB and groom had discussed this freely and frankly at some length and yes, that previous marriage was totally irreperable...made the whole thing go with a swing, I felt.

Then there was a do with free-flowing nice champagne but no food. Just canapes.

Hmm, feeling the wedding love all around here....

Brides-to-be, if you have guests staying in a nearby hotel the night before, ensure they are the kind of people who will go out alone on the piss in a strange town and then call you at 2am, asking directions to the nearest KFC. it works wonders for that fresh-faced bridal look the next day. (yes, the bride was me)

This bride wasn?t me- make sure the song you choose for your First Dance is the very same maudling track that would reduce you to hysterical fits of tears only months before when your fiancé had developed a case of cold feet and left you miserable and lonely. As you dance with your now reconciled spouse to this tune, try not to catch the eye of the close friends who, the last time they heard this song had held you sobbing on their shoulder sniffling about what a bastard your now DH was.

Fathers of the bride (not mine, thankfully), if you are an eminent businessman, make sure you use your only daughter?s wedding as the perfect opportunity to invite and schmooze prospective clients. This works especially well if the wedding venue has a limited capacity and the bride and groom have to drop a few cherished friends off the guest list. Make sure that you control every aspect of the day, including hissing loudly at the groom, DURING THE CEREMONY, to stop slouching. Make an ?appointment? with Best Man the day before the wedding to ?hear and approve? (ie vet and edit) his speech. Make the poor man so nervous on the day that his nerves are embarrassingly apparent. And, finally, during your own speech, pepper your diatribe with completely unveiled remarks about how much the day cost you as well as making no qualms about expressing how disappointed that your 3yr old grand-son, who is present at the wedding was conceived out of wedlock.
Oh, and insult the groom's mother the day before.

Make sure you organise it for a weekday so that it's cheaper for you but everyone else has to use up a days al or forfeit a days pay.

Or have it on a sunday so that people either can't drink too much or have to take a day off at their own expense.

have it at 11.30am then the meal at 4 so there's loads and loads of waiting around inbetween.

Arrange it so there's loads of driving involved or expensive taxis.

insist on a dress code.

Make your bridesmaids wear minging unflatterinng dresses. I have only been to one wedding (mine cos just had my sister and she chose her own dress) where this wasn't the case. This is why bridesmaids frequently look so miserable.

Make the bridesmaids pay for their own horrible frocks.

Have some sort of waltz/salsa/merengue etc.etc. as the first dance and for several after that.

A handy checklist.

Have you made sure when it comes to guests you have:

• slighted them by inviting some random combination of family members e.g. those born January to June, but not those born July to December?

• dragged them somewhere remote (with nowhere to park or stay) at short notice?

• ensured the maximum of stress and humiliation by asking them to dress up as e.g. taupe-hued Elvis impersonaters? N.B. further subdivide your guests by only including this direction in alternative invitations.

• crafted a really sensitive speech upsetting as many groups of your friends and family as possible (unmarried mothers, married non-mothers, your gay brother)

• starved them?

• frozen them?

• contained them in a wood panelled prison full of lilies for a good long time, to increase their "anticipation"?

• if you deign to feed them at all, fed them with e.g. one small piece of puff pastry each, ensuring that there is never quite enough to go round? Competitive spirit will fuel the high spirits of your evening reception.

• And finally (a touch of genius), abandoned them miles from help or human contact of any kind?

Congratulations OP.

Few suggestions

• include a totally useless map and incomprehensible directions on how to get to wedding venue with your invitation

• make all the bridesmaids wear gold lame prom style dresses a size or two too small with 80s style make up - or if that doesnt work for your theme, try Bo Peep shepherdess style outfits (complete with crooks)

• ensure the vicar's sermon goes on for well over 40 minutes and is all about the subject of divorce in this day and age

based on my sister's planned wedding...

definitely have it in early January, because everyone has loads of spare cash at that time of year.

decide that there will be no alcohol at the wedding (because you approach religion like fashionista's approach skirt lengths and Islam has currently replaced Judaism on the 'what's hot' list. note: our family are lapsed Catholics).

decree that there will be no music at the wedding, even though you are a dancing teacher and have always gone on and on in the past about how a wedding just instead a wedding without a ceilidh band.

Instead ask your ten year old nephew if he could bring along some of his board games for hours of entertainment. All the (completely) sober adults will really enjoy playing jenga.

Decide that your nephews must wear kilts to the wedding, even though the groom will not be wearing a kilt. Do not offer to pay to deck out the children in kilts.

Book a really big venue, even though you've decided there aren't going to be many guests (possibly because you've realised that no one is going to want to come to the world's worst wedding). It's crucial that you ensure that this venue has a large open fire (preferably two) so that your sister can spend the whole day ensuring that no toddler nephews are incinerated.

Tell your sister that you are going to ask the caterers to make a special dish composed of broccoli, sprouts and cabbage just for her. WTF?

I'm pretty certain that there will be hours of photographs to be endured with no alcohol and no food, and grumpy, hungry, tired toddlers will be required to participate.

Obviously, I'm really looking forward to this event...

If at all possible arrange a huge administrative error so your very expensive, beautiful overseas wedding is not actually legal and you have to go and tie the knot in a registry office. In Reading.

Sober, silent jenga wedding? Think you win.

I really wish i was making it up. But, no, I will be attending this nightmare in January. I'm half hoping that DS2 picks up chickenpox at nursery and we'll have to stay at home (except for the looking after the toddler with chickenpox bit, which is never fun).

Also, I'm sure my sister will insist that various people travel a very long way (in some cases thousands of miles) to enjoy this event.

The OP could really incorporate this into her ultimate wedding senario. Because nothing says 'I value your friendship' more than asking people to travel a long way (and spend a fortune) to enjoy a day of charades and connect 4 without even the option of buying themselves a glass of wine should they want one with dinner.