So, we're getting married, best ways to irritate all our guests here please

[Madascheese]

Well DP pitched up with a very pretty bit of jewellery yesterday and proposed! How excited am I?

Don't want the bride to feel left out.

I suggest booking a shite dj called Trevor who inexplicably plays in this order after the first song

Unchained Melody
I would walk 500 miles
Shut up

Then finish the evening off with asshole Trevor playing "sit on my face and tell me that you love me" for the last song.

CocoaBeanPlease Yes, even an old cynic like me has to admit that it is nice to see two people who are very much in love tie the knot.
But, when you just know that the whole wedding is just a chance for them to show off and the actual marriage won't last 5 minutes all the inconvenience is a pain in the wotsit.

Madascheese

Your family must also cooperate with you here. On no account must your parents or your groom's parents or other members of your family leave their seats to greet the guests or socialise. This will also stand you in good stead at ALL future family gatherings and celebrations.

You and your new, shiny DH are going to be way too busy with your 'real' friends to bother about the hangers on that you were forced to invite - like your SIL's for example. Both of us.

Just leave the other 85% of your guests - they will be fine and dandy.

Especially the SIL who was forced to come on her own because your dear brother was working overseas and couldn't make the wedding. Don't say hello all evening or even set one dainty wedding shod foot at our end of the cavernous hall.

I know you had a great time because we sat and watched your table all evening, that was because there was nothing else to do.

stillbobbysgirl. Please tell me the best man told the chap to go get knotted when he asked for the receipt!

ahh, now, the church service gives rise to lots of mischief thoughts...

make sure your church is a realy old one, like ours, with no inside toilet (the toilet is inside a building, just one behind the church).
make sure all your ushers have not only never been to that church before, but have never been to any church,and make sure that noone tells them where the aforementioned toilets are, or where the key is kept.
and make sure they also don't know about where the young children can go for entertainment (esp don't mention the big box of quiet toys in the playroom!), so that they get agitated during the half-hour of prayers and start talking loudly and crying. (not the ushers, the young children)

this didn't happen, i'm just trying to think what might have happened if we hadn't chosen church people as ushers!!

Make sure the groom tells the wedding guests in his speech that he got a 'semi' when the bride came down the aisle and that he's not used to calling her 'wife' as he usually calls her 'bitch'..

arf lucieloo - I'll suggest that one to DP and see what he says!

Madascheese, you mentioned that you and dh have been married before, but don't say whether you have grown up children. If you do, there is no need for them to escape without being complained about.

When groom's grown up son and his wife offer to collect elderly infirm relative from her care home and bring her to the middle-of- nowhere church, as well as other 2 grown up but carless siblings, dismiss such offers of help. Insist that you have made travel arrangements for elderly relative, and that grown up son must instead take groom to the church to avoid spending on a wedding car or taxi. Make sure groom has no other family members attending the wedding who could help out.

When relative turns up, in a taxi, without carer, wheelchair or walking stick, make sure you allow all the bride's family to slag off the groom's children ( someone from the family should have brought her !! ) without correcting them.

awww how nice Intertia!

As littlemad is only 5 and the best thing that came out of my previous marriage (DP had no children) we're unlikely to face that one, but I'm hopig to come up with something 'darling' for littlemad to do on the 'big day'

see I'm talking about it all in quote marks already, perhaps I am getting the hang of it after all!

Why don't you get the wee one to read something really complicated aloud, perhaps some Shakespeare. Insist s/he does it in full, while the entire church goes through agonies of suspense waiting for him to make his way through nice y1 level words like "impediment".

Or instead of providing music at the reception, how about a recorder/violin recital?

arf at recorder!

He'd love the reading as it goes, but knowing him he'll find ways to ensure the attention doesn't get diverted from him for too long....he can tell you at length about the digestive processes of cows for example and doesn't hesitate to read out anything he finds...banks statements...letters from my solicitor...emails.....

This won't be much help to you, as it only applies if you are being served at your tables. Make sure you eat really slowly, frequently leaving your table to chat to your guests or disappear mysteriously. Since the waiting staff will have been told not to move on to the next course until the bride finishes the current one, this will ensure a lovely long meal, giving your guests ample time to digest between courses. The person who will most appreciate this will be the harpist you have engaged to play throughout the meal. Maybe the first time through her repertoire she will be a little under-rehearsed, but by the third time she gets round to Greensleeves it will be a truly polished performance.

Ask the children from the local primary school choir to sing during the signing of the register. Something with a huge range, like a Celine Dion type song, that goes on for a good 6 minutes.

It is essential that not a single child can carry a tune so long as they are loud.

They must also wear school uniform. And be backed with thumpy enthusiastic piano, recorders, screechy violins & a triangle.

Congratulations, I LOVE THIS THREAD

PMSL at recorder recital! MAC, I must insist that your future DIL DD is a flower girl! Otherwise I will be forced to write rude things about you all over FB

Thanks RunawayWife - me too! Have I mentioned how pleased I am that DP loks like the cat who stole the cream as well which is really making me happy?

Porto - you should have seen littlemad jumping for joy when I told him you were coming and bringing DD, he won't know where to look first, all his stalkees girlfriends are going to be in one place at one time..

ooooo ooooo can we do 'first dances' next??

Enusre that your builtliketanks adorable sisters look absolutely divine in their 18 quid from Asda short and strapless bridesmaid dresses, designed to fully enhance their rugby-player-like shoulders and 'strong' legs

How many girlfriends has littlemad got?

See - you're doing well already!

Ooh and after the BIG DAY. Ensure to spend the next six months (at least) sobbing into your hanky about how nothing will EVER be as nice again.

arf! 4paws

Porto, errr well he stalks a few, but he's only ever done the old married couple thing with your DD.

madascheese

Please make sure your hubbie to be has been dragged along to SEVEN months of dance classes, only to find the dance floor too small to execute any of his moves leaving him tripping over your dress and embarrassed.

I have also been to menny, menny weddings where I have cried like a little girl because the bride and groom just loved each other and wanted to get wed.

Jennifer and Jonathan
Ruth and John
Jackie and Mike
Gary and Anne
Rob and Julia
Fiona and Andy

and soo many others.

[Welling up at the thought]

For your first dance you should dance a waltz with your father and your DH should dance with his mother

As it sounds like you want to go for something simple, just make sure you have all of your middle names, including those weird family names you never use, spoken by the celebrant during the vows just to confuse your very-soon-to-be-DH into calling you the wrong name (sorry DH , but at least our friends got a giggle).