The Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness: are you lonely? What would help?

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello all,

Some of you may have heard of the Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness. The Commission was originally set up by the late Jo Cox MP alongside Seema Kennedy MP, and the aim was to have a cross-party parliamentary focus on the problem of loneliness in UK society.

After Jo's murder last June, Rachel Reeves MP has picked up Jo's baton (still with Seema Kennedy MP co-chairing), and the Commission was renamed in Jo's memory.

Over the course of 2017, the Commission is looking at loneliness among specific groups: older people, carers, people with disabilities, asylum seekers and refugees. And one of the groups they're looking at is new parents - which is where Mumsnet comes in.

We're working with Action for Children, which is the lead charity on the 'parents and young children' strand, to investigate loneliness within this group - and to try to think of things that we can all do to allay the effects of loneliness in this group.

So - with apologies for the long preamble! - here are some questions we'd love your thoughts on:

1. Do you feel lonely? If so, what do you think are the main causes of that?
2. If you have children, did you find that the transition to parenthood contributed to isolation or loneliness? If so, what sorts of forms does it take - and what effects does it have on you and your family?
3. If your children are old enough for the question to apply, do you think they suffer from loneliness? What are the factors, and how does it affect them?
4. What do you think can be done to help alleviate loneliness among new parents and children? If you've felt lonely, did you find an effective way to address it? Are there particular sorts of support you would find useful?
5. If you could ask people to do one thing to help tackle loneliness, what would it be?
6. If you are lonely as a parent, do you think it affects other adults in your family, such as your spouse/co-parent? If so, how? Do you think they are lonely?
7. And, if you've been lonely, are there any forms of support you really didn't like, or didn't find useful? Are there any approaches you think should be avoided?

Feel free to have a general ramble or bring up other points not referred to in the numbered list - we just want to hear your thoughts really.

We'll use your feedback to inform how we work with the Commission and to help shape the recommendations that the Commission will be making to the government at the end of 2017.

You can find out more about the Commission and the themes it will be addressing here, and you can take a personal pledge to start a conversation with someone here.

Thanks
MNHQ

I agree with Needmoresleep that certain vested interest groups shout very loud.

I remember when the health visitor called round when I'd had ds, and she said she found a lot more problems with "middle class" mothers, who were often sitting alone for days on end with not a family member in sight, than teenage mothers who were by and large part of a big family group with other generations helping out with the baby.

Of course that's a generalisation, but just saying that regarding loneliness, I think there is a greater incidence of this amongst the middle classes who have been bred to focus on their immediate family at the expense of wider relationships.

Totally agree mousymary, I suspect you'd consider me to be middle class. I don't have any family nearby (although as an only child, there's not many of us!), DH and I don't have children, and whilst we're our own "family unit of 2" I'm acutely aware that we're not part of anyone else's bigger picture.

None of this crossed my mind til DH had a health scare last year (it turned out he was absolutely fine) but I had this horrible realisation that if anything happened to him, I'd be pretty much alone.

I've managed to cultivate a few friends since, and my "grow a network" plan is working (very) slowly, but everyone else already has their own network (or so it seems) ...... There seem to be so many of us in the same boat, we just need joining up!

I feel really lonely. I'm not from the area I live in. I'm a SAHM with three DC. Two of my DC are undergoing assessments for illnesses currently. I have difficult relationships with my parents and I don't live near my old friends. I have a DH but he works long hours and I don't think he appreciates the difficulties I'm having with one DC in particular.

I'd love to have friends to talk to but I've no time and everyday just feels difficult at the moment.

Donougue and Panda there is a related club on Facebook called Single Parent Empty Nest Travel Club. Sister of a Single Parent Travel Group. Both are good groups. Single Parent focussed though. BUt not just travel - meeting up at weekends and doing local stuff too.

My son and I were lonely and isolated for years when he was small and it was all because of health problems that the GPs either didn't believe existed or couldn't solve for us.

My son had obstructive apnoea, that I finally figured out what caused by wheat. We also both had such a lot of long viral illnesses that made socialising very hard. I think it's possible that they were partly do with sleep deprivation and anaemia.

Doctors here don't seem to know much about babies and mothers and didn't have the sense to see that something was wrong or to refer us to a pediatrician.

There was a severe knock-on effect because eventually my health gave up and I ended up with CFS, unable to have another child and struggling to support my son in the transition to school.

I think that economic migration is also a factor. We live far from our extended family so we have no help, and no company and we in our turn can't help them when they need us.

Hello all

Thanks so much for all your feedback. We're putting together a survey informed by the responses here, so do fill it in if you spot it - it will be going live later in the summer. Our activity (in terms of press and making a public noise about it) on this will be in November this year.

We've had responses back from the Commission to a couple of points raised by MNers on this thread: I'll post them up now.

Thanks
MNHQ

@Garlicansapphire

Huge respect to Jo Cox who supported the Campaign to End Loneliness in such an important way in Yorkshire. It meant so much to us.

Of course I'm lonely. We all experience it at some point in our lives. Apart from talking about it what is it your Commission is offering to do about it? If you encourage people to acknowledge their situation and then feel worse I'm not sure you're going to make anyone feel better unless you explain what it is you can offer us? Please say more about your practical solutions.

Here's the Commission's response:

'We will be looking to share good practice as part of getting a "national conversation" going about loneliness. One of the challenges we have is that we need more evidence of what works and what doesn't in tackling it. Measuring loneliness is something a range of stakeholders have been looking at but in making our case for everyone to do more to fight loneliness, we are collecting examples of projects and initiatives that have had a positive effect in reducing loneliness (to submit any, use this form: docs.google.com/forms/d/1ewBC6EER4UmlAUA0XPcDMBnQjk2EZRZI7Qc6-BgSaR4/edit?usp=drivesdk&chromeless=1). We will be launching a manifesto in December on loneliness which will outline our vision, together with our wide-ranging partner organisations, many of whom were specifically chosen to form the commission by Jo.'

@ShatnersWig

What about those of us who don't fall into one of those "specific groups" but are lonely? Don't they want to know about us as well?

I appreciate MN is working with Action for Children and will obviously have a specific focus, but what about other sections of society?

Here's the Commission's response, Shatner:

'Over the course of the year we shall be focusing on a range of groups affected by loneliness in a multitude of ways, including parents and children (November 2017) as well as men, disabled people and carers. These spotlights aim to shed light on how loneliness, far from only affecting specific groups, can affect anyone and everyone, at any stage of their life. At our recent "spotlight on loneliness among men" launch we spoke to people who had family and friends but who still suffered loneliness. No-one can prescribe who is affected by loneliness and the commission will be working to challenge stereotypes and the taboo nature of the issue. As Jo said, "Young or old, loneliness doesn’t discriminate... it is something many of us could easily help with. Looking in on a neighbour, visiting an elderly relative or making that call or visit we’ve been promising to a friend we haven’t seen in a long time.” It is this message we are sharing, as it can often take small acts - simply talking to someone in a shop queue or on the bus - which can brighten someone's day.'