The Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness: are you lonely? What would help?

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello all,

Some of you may have heard of the Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness. The Commission was originally set up by the late Jo Cox MP alongside Seema Kennedy MP, and the aim was to have a cross-party parliamentary focus on the problem of loneliness in UK society.

After Jo's murder last June, Rachel Reeves MP has picked up Jo's baton (still with Seema Kennedy MP co-chairing), and the Commission was renamed in Jo's memory.

Over the course of 2017, the Commission is looking at loneliness among specific groups: older people, carers, people with disabilities, asylum seekers and refugees. And one of the groups they're looking at is new parents - which is where Mumsnet comes in.

We're working with Action for Children, which is the lead charity on the 'parents and young children' strand, to investigate loneliness within this group - and to try to think of things that we can all do to allay the effects of loneliness in this group.

So - with apologies for the long preamble! - here are some questions we'd love your thoughts on:

1. Do you feel lonely? If so, what do you think are the main causes of that?
2. If you have children, did you find that the transition to parenthood contributed to isolation or loneliness? If so, what sorts of forms does it take - and what effects does it have on you and your family?
3. If your children are old enough for the question to apply, do you think they suffer from loneliness? What are the factors, and how does it affect them?
4. What do you think can be done to help alleviate loneliness among new parents and children? If you've felt lonely, did you find an effective way to address it? Are there particular sorts of support you would find useful?
5. If you could ask people to do one thing to help tackle loneliness, what would it be?
6. If you are lonely as a parent, do you think it affects other adults in your family, such as your spouse/co-parent? If so, how? Do you think they are lonely?
7. And, if you've been lonely, are there any forms of support you really didn't like, or didn't find useful? Are there any approaches you think should be avoided?

Feel free to have a general ramble or bring up other points not referred to in the numbered list - we just want to hear your thoughts really.

We'll use your feedback to inform how we work with the Commission and to help shape the recommendations that the Commission will be making to the government at the end of 2017.

You can find out more about the Commission and the themes it will be addressing here, and you can take a personal pledge to start a conversation with someone here.

Thanks
MNHQ

I feel really lonely. I don't know how to.make the feeling go.

I've not read all other posts but just the first few were interesting to me. This week I've been lonely, because the mums I met at baby group feel they have high need babies and so avoid social contact. So I ended up not seeing any of the mums I've met. I would guess they were very lonely too. I'd like more normalisation of babies who cry and a way of showing mums going through that that it's ok. If my baby isn't crying but yours is, I'm not judging you, I'm happy to help, I still want to be your friend. I'll happily connect with you by coming round to hold your baby while you shower or by text to say hi on those few seconds you get spare. If this was normalised more maybe mums wouldn't end up isolated from each other.

Not currently lonely, but was very lonely as a student - at the time when strangely I was the most socially active I've ever been! I moved away from home (not far) into a house with 5 other students. I thought it would be a total riot, and at times we did have a lot of fun, but there were also a lot of times when they were all out/studying/away home/with other friends or partners, and those times felt so lonely because I was away from home, living with more people than ever, yet had nobody to sit and chat to. This was a fair while back, and I wasn't on any forums like Mumsnet at the time but I think something like that would have helped.

I think the fact our antenatal class (NHS) kept in touch with each other was a big help in me not feeling lonely as a new parent. We only kept in touch because one mum suggested it but I think we were all glad of the mutual support we were able to give each other at such a crazy life changing time, and the opportunity to make new friends who were going through similar things. It was fantastic having a new group of friends to spend time with on maternity leave, which I believe could be lonely for many. I think it would be helpful if the person taking the antenatal class suggested the idea people keep in touch (although it would have to be done in a really sensitive way so people didn't feel pressurised), because a lot of groups might not have anyone willing to be the one to suggest it.

Living in Scotland I also found Bookbug sessions really helpful as you were surrounded by other parents with young kids too (and it's free!).

I am also heartbreakingly lonely.

I got married at 28, and my new husband's new job placed as away from everyone and everything we knew. He worked with children, so no opportunity for work colleagues, and I was still commuting to my previous town to finish my studies, so in no way became rooted locally.

Severe ill health took over for me; the children that We had hoped for became impossible as life became an endless cycle of hospitalisations. My husband poured himself into his work: and I poured everything into him. He was my route to the outside world, both literally (in a wheelchair) and metaphorically.

But loneliness is a total relationship wrecker. I no longer believe that 'if we have each other, we have more than enough.' Alone, we were not enough, and he turned to someone else for support in facing what we believed to be my terminal diagnosis.

This diagnosis was wrong, and I partially recovered, but our marriage didn't: after 10 years, he left with the only friend we had made in that town.

I have now moved away, starting a new life as a disabled unemployed childless divorcee, in a new city in which I no nobody. I have been here 4 months, but have spent 10 weeks o those in hospital. Even between admissions, I don't know where to find friends? I have no colleagues, and no children. Most people my age are working or SAHM.

One thing I wondered was why those with, and those without, children become so isolated one from the other? Parents attend groups to meet other parents, but I would be considered strange if I wanted to attend. Can there not be baby/toddler-friendly groups, where babies are welcomed, but yet all who wish can attend? I imagine there must be plenty of parents keen to engage in something than is not exclusively child-orientated, but at which their children are welcomed and accommodated?

My loneliness hurts as much as my physical pain. I cannot remember when I was last held or even touched by anyone other than a healthcare professional. I truly can't remember that I have had a hug from anyone so far in 2017. My body almost itches with lack of physical human contact.

I agree with others. As a new parent there were groups to join and loads to do in the baby and toddler years. I'm a lone parent with older children. My life is work, housework and sleep. If I didn't have a dog I'd be talking to the furniture. I get that they have to start somewhere but the focus on groups and having new parents as one of those groups probably isn't going to catch those who are most lonely. The very fact that people can be seen as belonging to a group suggests that there are possibly already things available to those groups that might go some way to addressing loneliness.

sometimes feel lonely.
main cause: having two children with additional needs, (asd/hypermobility syndrome and possibly other undiagnosed conditions) single parent.

3 yes both. probably due to autism and not being able to read social situations..

5: run more church groups in the day.
increase the awareness of autism and the difficulties one might face (everyone is different)

mY children are older but it has been the same since ds was two and it became apparent that he had difficulties with behaviour.

Jo Cox was such an inspiring woman. Such a sad loss. And yes this is such a good idea to help with loneliness. I have been thinking about this too much. Feel terribly lonely now. Empty nest, marriage gone twonk. But also remember feeling it when younger, going off miles from home to pursue job and no one being around to help me out.
Also feel so strongly for younger child who is struggling at uni. Self medicating which is not helpful

I get lonely, I think it's because I have so much going on that's drama or similar that every time I see someone and they ask what's going on with life and I have to say that x/y/z is in hospital or very sick or similar, I feel like after a time I'm being a burden and people just don't want to hear it! I'm also very introverted in day to day life which means I'm fine being without people but when I really do need someone, there's no one there.

I am very lonely at times. I'm a sahm and separated. I relocated a year ago to a new area leaving behind some very good friends. Problems in my marriage escalated and i got horribly depressed and have since separated.

It was an awful time. A number of people in the area were really welcoming and friendly but had no idea of how depressed i was so when i didn't respond they understandably left me to it. I remember one very nice mum at my son's new school introducing herself and i couldn't remember my own name and had to get away. It's very embarrassing to remember.

So for me personally i feel my loneliness is very much about my mental health struggle. Like others i have gone weeks without chatting to people when things were bad. It's very isolating and its difficult to regain those social skills. They are slowly coming back.

I survived through MN (big thank you) and the Samaritans the last year. I assume Samaritans have a big contribution to make to this work.

As I'm gradually feeling better (its up and diwn) I've found myself making a few new friends and enjoying chatting to other parents out and about. The school gate is now very friendly. So i really feel depression is a big factor.

I'm also reconnecting with some old friends.
I have never been honest with old friends about how bad my depression and anxiety have been the past year which is probably partly why I've lost contact. So honest conversations about mental health issues would help.

The moments which cut through the loneliness the last year include weekly chats with the volunteer who makes tea at one of the toddler groups i go to. She initiates the conversation and is not put off by my awkwardness so little effort required. Those 5-10 minutes were the highlight of my week at times.

I guess more of that would be the biggest help to me. A weekly catch up and a cuppa (with anyone!) would be bliss. Maybe a cafe with staff (realistically volunteers i guess) who initiate/facilitate the chat. I think there are probably places to do that but id struggle to make the approach and there's a stigma maybe to admitting to loneliness. It feels like a failing. I also worry they might be placed full of those with severe difficulties/homeless people so it would need to planned/managed well.
Maybe the point where GP's give you a prescription when you've admitted to depression would be a good access point to some social help.

Meeting with or having a befriending type person would have been amazing but with no specific qualifying criteria it would be unrealistic to expect a service wide reaching enough to include me.

It will be interesting to follow this work.

Single parents !!!!!!!!!

I am estranged from my family so I never, ever have anyone to turn to.

My family were abusive- I dont have the social skills, self esteem and confidence others have. I am also an introvert- joining groups is daunting!

Had a huge argument with neighbours yesterday and they said "You never have any visitors!" They are right.

I would like to see more resources in NHS for mental health, for counselling in particular.

In general- I think the world is becoming more and more controlled by technology and there are community is disappearing. Where I live libraries, pubs and churches are closing. Shops you can self scan or order online- fewer opportunities to speak.

I think kids becoming teens is a big transition point. I had a few good friendships and friendship groups when they were at primary and we all hung out together, but these have fallen apart as the kids have moved on to different friendships, become more conscious about not hanging out with younger kids, and you can't "make" them come along to things anymore. Sometimes the kids have fallen out, which then makes adult friendships uncomfortable, and you just don't meet their friends' parents in the same way (and you still risk fall outs!)

The other factor for me is not drinking much alcohol. I would like the opportunity to go out early evening for coffee (and cake!) to meet friends but all the cafes near me are shut by 6pm. Some of my friends do meet during weekday daytimes, but I'm mostly working.

I'm lonely because I have disabilities including autism. I have an informal diagnosis (by my child's dr when they were diagnosed) only because I have been refused an assessment because "there is no point diagnosing adults, as the only help is for children" I am high functioning but really need support building and maintaining friendships. My child is my only social contact and that isn't healthy for either of us

What would help: raising awareness of ADHD/ASD in general to reduce social exclusion of children and parents. That would help a lot.

*plus other disabilities / conditions too, just those ones sprung to mind.

Maybe also make perfect, snobby middle class cliques illegal, though I can't imagine that would be as simple.

God lord I'm horribly lonely!
When my son stays at his father's for the weekend I will literally speak to no one for 2 days and it's so very sad.
My best friend just had a baby so we chat online but she's always busy of a weekend with family stuff that I literally have to advance book in a month for a date to see her.
I get on with everyone at work but it's not as if we're social at weekends cos at the end of the day, they are just work colleagues aren't they?
But never thought I'd be so lonely and I can only see it getting worse as I get older. I've tried Internet dating but to no avail.... apparently slightly overweight single mothers are not every blokes dream girl!
My son has been invited to a party soon so I'm hoping to meet a few other mums from the nursery but I certainly don't want to come across as desperate.
I do work full time but was thinking of maybe getting a part time job in the local pub as a way of getting to know some people but figured that would probably effect my tax credits too much.
Sometimes I'm OK but sometimes the lack of conversation is just mind numbing!

Yes as a single mother I feel very lonely. I have some friends and work colleagues but most people are busy with their own families and lives in the evenings and weekends

smallchance yes, pets are probably the way forward for lp's. I need to get some more guinea pigs, would probably get more sense out of them than my dc's. And they'd mow the lawn for me.

Much love to everyone struggling (oxcat)

Another thing that helps - where I live someone has set up a facebook group for the whole town to use.
People just post when they're going out for coffee and invite others to join. If this could become a scheme that's used throughout the country it would be a massive help. Cheap to run too!

I'm lonely. I'm a sahm. OH and I don't live near any family and if we did (I'm from another country, oh's family is about 5.5 hrs away) I don't think it would change things since even visiting them, I still feel lonely. I'm not the gossip type so I just sit there and half-listen ,or quietly read until spoken to. The only friend I do have works, and dealing with some issues and we talk about a few times a year.

I tried doing a play group, but all we talked about was our kids and being home with my lo all day, it's not exactly the thing I want to talk about every meet-up. I would go out but it's pointless because there's nowhere I would want to go where I live due to the nightlife being mostly pubs and takeaways . I participate in different mom boards, but some turn rude and catty quite quickly so I've gone off of those. I'm considering doing art classes just for a chance to socialise and stimulate my brain and/or freelance work so I can have something outside of being a wife and mum.

Those of you who say you are lonely - would you consider joining a group - such as WI, NT, local council, local political group, sports group, Church, helping with Brownies or other voluntary work, Film Club etc etc - that's just a few examples of the things I do and I find it so easy to make friends once you have established an interest.

I am married but my DH doesn't do much and complains he can't make friends.

And please, just because people are married or have their own children doesn't mean they don't want to get out at weekends with other people - my DH and I never socialise together, I am always out and about with my own friends and am delighted when someone suggests going to a film or a walk or whatever.

I would volunteer if it fitted in - only generally it doesn't, or I'm dubious about committing the time as I have no one else to rely on if anything happens (single mum). Nothing worse than a volunteer who constantly lets people down. I used to take my turn on the mums rota at brownies and enjoyed it but know it would be unfair to commit to anything regular

I joined a group once, but they talked to me and I don't like small talk, so I didn't go back. I would like to join the craft club, but I know the same thing will happen. I don't like people asking me questions. I'm quite happy just to sit quietly while others talk, then perhaps ask how to do this or that stitch (crochet). If they turn to an interesting subject then I may interject with the odd pearl of wisdom, but I can't be doing with mindless chatter about handbags or holidays.

Yes, I'm a pain in the backside, but I can't help it

Ive had the same issue with volunteering tbh
I used to do a lot more than I do now but I've also become too unreliable due to family commitments and my own health issues

A lot of volunteering organisations really don't mind if you can't commit to a regular slot - I know because I am involved in a number of voluntary groups and organise rotas etc - I know that certain people can't do school holidays, other people have caring comittments, holidays etc etc - I value my volunteers and am happy to work around their availability.

But what about other groups - WI for instance? You don't have to commit to going every month and you just might like what goes on? There are lots of 'new wave' WIs set up to attract younger women.