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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

What do you think about spouses/partners staying overnight on postnatal wards?

895 replies

RowanMumsnet · 10/07/2014 11:31

Hello

The organisation Birthrights (with whom we've done some stuff in the past) are planning a new campaign called First Night, and wanted to know whether it's something MN could support - so we said we'd ask you lot!

Here's Birthrights' description of the campaign:

'Birthrights is a human rights in childbirth charity, and we will be launching a campaign later this year to ensure women aren't left alone on often over-staffed postnatal wards, but instead can choose to have their partner remain with them overnight. We will be researching what's important to women, partners and staff, the barriers and benefits, and working with units who've implemented this policy to draw up best practice guidelines to use as they lobby for change.'

So please let us know what you think. Is this something you'd like us to swing behind?

Thanks
MNHQ

OP posts:
cricketpitch · 10/07/2014 14:59

I find it good to reads that while many women would like their DP there they understand that it is not right for everyone. Strangely enough I was actually pleased to be on my own.

My relationship has always been difficult and DP not always supportive and lovely like some are. I actually valued time to get used to this new situation myself.

Anyway, after a very long labour, DP too was tired and bored, (24 hours of watching someone else groan.... only the last bit where anything happens!!! Grin ). He was exhausted too and it made far more sense for him to sleep, prepare the house, ring the relatives and be there for me at home.

AnnaLegovah · 10/07/2014 15:00

So many posts on this thread say that the reason why they wanted their husbands around was at least partially due to substandard care - they couldn't move after epidurals/C-sections, were unable to reach the baby in their crib, needed a bath/drink/something to eat/ struggled to establish breastfeeding, and needed their partner to help. THAT is what should be addressed.

Absolutely. As much as I wanted DH's support, I wouldn't have felt safe with strange men (or women for that matter besides fellow new mums) a few feet away from my bed and my newborn all night long.

saintlyjimjams · 10/07/2014 15:00

TBH it isn't so much the men being around that would bother me, it's the noise of visitors. I loved it when everyone - husbands, siblings, grandparents, the lot of them cleared off and the ward became a bit dark and peaceful. If everyone had their partner next to them the noise of chatter would really start to get to me I think.

Thurlow · 10/07/2014 15:02

It seems to me there are two issues here: emotional and practical.

The emotional issue to whether you want your OH with you or don't want lots of other partners around is pretty much a big gut feeling and these sorts of threads naturally always go in circles around this topic.

But the practical issues?

If you assume the majority of the women who end up on a ward are there because of complications such as a cs, then they need practical assistance immediately post-birth/surgery, and that is where there are currently huge failings.

This might just be me, but... My DP couldn't show me how to breastfeed. My DP didn't know any better than me how to change a nappy. My DP didn't know how I should try and sit up to avoid pulling my muscles. My DP didn't have any more of an idea what to do with a newborn than I did.

A midwife or nurse would, however.

Given the choice for practical assistance after the birth, I'd far prefer a professional than another overwhelmed and exhausted amatuer like me.

expatinscotland · 10/07/2014 15:03

Birthrights doesn't appear to want to entertain anyone's opinion besides their own. This is a ridiculous campaign.

RiverTam · 10/07/2014 15:03

I think I would be in favour of this. After a very long and epic birth (at 1.30 pm) I wasn't transferred to the post-natal ward until 11pm - after visiting hours. DH was booted out immediately. DD was very weak, she didn't feed for hours and hours after she was born and it was just dreadful. The staff were pretty brusque with me. To me, the difference between night and day was non-existent, so I don't really understand why it matters if they can be there in the day and not at night.

I was in there for 5 days. We did get our own room in the end, and on the day when DD had gone floppy and lifeless they did allow DH to stay in my room, but he had to make sure he wasn't seen by anyone.

It was an awful awful time. But, at he same time, at least DH got a decent night's sleep so one of us was functioning.

Perhaps if the care was better in the postnatal ward (just about everyone I know had a bad experience) I wouldn't have felt it necessary. I think people's opinions will depend on how long they were in for and how well their baby was. 5 days with a weak baby was fucking awful.

barrackobana · 10/07/2014 15:04

Yes Saintly the noise was terrible, and many were taking calls on their mobile phones too Angry

SantanaLopez · 10/07/2014 15:04

Absolutely not.

  1. Space/ beds- can you imagine if there was one free bed on the ward and 5 other men? Ditto meals, cups of tea and so on.
  2. Bathrooms- disgusting enough without another 6 people
  3. You can't vet partners, who knows who they are and what they are likely to do.
SantanaLopez · 10/07/2014 15:05

I also second people saying their DH had to go home and have a shower and a decent night's sleep to be any use. I wouldn't like him to drive us all home after spending 2/3 nights on the ward.

UsedtobeFeckless · 10/07/2014 15:06

No No No No No - For all the reasons given previously.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 10/07/2014 15:07

While I do understand that some women are recovering from a huge physical ordeal and may have limited or no movement and need physical and emotional support from their partner... I do wonder if I was the only one that enjoyed those first few night time hours, just me and DS. We were this little team when he was inside, and it felt like we were getting to know each other those first few (relatively alone) hours. But I was lucky enough to be able to move around (albeit in a fair amount of pain after forceps/stitches) that night.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/07/2014 15:09

I would have loved to have my DH stay with me - I really really struggled whilst in hospital for 3 days and the nights were undoubtedly the worst. I felt completely alone. I would have no problem with there being other men on the ward.

CinnabarRed · 10/07/2014 15:10

Perhaps if the care was better in the postnatal ward (just about everyone I know had a bad experience) I wouldn't have felt it necessary. I think people's opinions will depend on how long they were in for and how well their baby was. 5 days with a weak baby was fucking awful.

YY and YY again to this.

I was in for a total of 5.5 weeks - 5.2 weeks ante-natal and 3 nights post-natal (mixed ante- and post-natal ward).

It genuinely would have been pure hell to have double the number of adults (either gender) there for the duration. I wasn't allowed to leave the ward on medical grounds, so couldn't even escape to get a paper/coffee during loud visiting hours.

There was one guy whose partner was in with pre-eclampsia. He always 'hid' behind her curtains at chucking out time, and then wanted to watch her TV with her. At 9pm all the TVs switched to headphones only, so she used to put her headphone volume on max and they rested the headphones between them. I literally wanted to kill him, when I was trying to sleep and could hear the sodding Friends theme tune all hours.

higgle · 10/07/2014 15:10

Whilst my original post is that partners should be allowed to stay and that everyone should have individual rooms I was rather bemused by the "sisterhood" post. I don't want to be round a lot of strange women anymore than a lot of strange men - I want to chose my own company and not have a bunch of total strangers shoved in with me. No wonder the infection rates are so high in NHS hospitals if ward life is as described in this thread.

MadonnaKebab · 10/07/2014 15:11

A bit off topic, but as a person who lives overseas, I'm surprised that shared maternity wards are still so prevalent opinion the UK

By far the biggest expense in inpatient care is nursing staff
Plus laundry/ meals/medication/ cleaners/ medical staff etc

The cost of partitioning wards into private rooms and plumbing in en-suite shower rooms is actually quite small as a percentage of all that

Especially in view of likely savings with resect to PND etc, from what I read about the post- birth UK experience, even if ignoring quality of experience and just looking in cash terms

lainiekazan · 10/07/2014 15:12

I was in a pre-birth ward for a while with dd. There was a pregnant girl in there with her boyfriend's mother. The boyfriend was... 14.

He was staring agog at the other women in very early labour, and then started giggling. And then moaned on and on that he wanted a Macdonalds.

I actually complained to a midwife that it was no place for a 14-year-old boy, albeit one who was responsible for getting his girlfriend to land up there.

Galvanized · 10/07/2014 15:15

Having reread the thread and many other posts I take back my self-centred view. This wouldn't be workable, I realise now. It's soft and fluffy and emotive to suggest this campaign to individual women but the bigger picture means it's not practical. More midwives on postnatal wards instead please.

NewtRipley · 10/07/2014 15:17

Galvanised

That's very decent of you. I know my first reaction was to want my DH to stay, but I agree it's not right for others and not workable

SantanaLopez · 10/07/2014 15:18

The cost of partitioning wards into private rooms and plumbing in en-suite shower rooms is actually quite small as a percentage of all that

Hmm

How do you work that one out? The cost of renovating every maternity hospital in the UK to accommodate private rooms would be astronomical.
a) planning all the work would be long and costly
b) shutting the ward and moving it somewhere else while the work is taking place
c) actually doing the work, ensuring all the contractors work smoothly

There are around 2300 hospitals in the UK here, I'd imagine over half at least have maternity wards. Huge expense, not possible.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 10/07/2014 15:19

Perhaps they should phrase it as 'would you like to share a ward with everyone else's partners' rather than 'would you like your partner with you'?

confusedgirlfromtheShire · 10/07/2014 15:20

No way in hell should this be allowed. A bay of six women and six newborn babies is bad enough - one of them will always be crying so the chances of getting decent sleep is already remote. Add to that six partners?? 1 - where would they fit? They'd be behind a flimsy curtain two feet from your face! 2 - presumably they can't be stopped from holding conversations with their partners at night when others are trying to rest? 3 - it is inevitable that they will be able to listen into other women's deeply personal medical examinations/discussions with the doctors. 4 - sharing our bathrooms when we're hormonal bleeding messes? Are you kidding???

I was a basket case post DS1, later diagnosed with PTSD. But an array of nice midwives and a private room was just as good as having DH there in terms of practical use! I would never put my own need to have my DH there to hold my hand over the rights to privacy and sensitivities of other vulnerable women, and I am very surprised that others (not many here fortunately) feel differently.

AnnaLegovah · 10/07/2014 15:20

'would you like to share a ward with everyone else's partners and potentially family and friends' HopALongOn Wink

RedToothBrush · 10/07/2014 15:21

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt Thu 10-Jul-14 14:50:00
the only Yes votes I've seen are from people who say the same thing - that they would have liked their partner to stay after birth.

Gilbert, have you read my post about how the hospital support how I feel and think it will be in the best interest of my health and my husbands health for me to have a private room and for him to be able to stay.

They have stated that he is clearly supportive and actually positively encouraged me in the direction of having him stay.

My yes vote is on the basis that there will be other women in similar situation. They should be able to have that support if they need it, and not be denied it on the basis that other patient's partners are difficult. Each patient's circumstances are different, and that should be taken into full consideration.

HCPs are already trained to try and spot women in difficult or troubled situations and to act accordingly (sometimes by refusing them admission to the ward under existing visiting rules).

I think you need to look at each individual and particular situation that arises. This is why I keep saying it is about focusing on individual care and not about catering to the masses which always ends up being detrimental to someone.

I have stated the need to focus on private rooms to facilitate this.

Thurlow Thu 10-Jul-14 14:57:34
But all the charging out of the rooms in the world isn't going to help these rooms magically appear.

Most hospitals do not have many private rooms. Sadly they can't magic them out of nowhere, nor can they magic the money to build them out of nowhere.

This is why I say I see it as a long term thing and have stated that. It shouldn't be an overnight thing. In terms of future planning though, any additional cost in private rooms, is easily accounted for. When hospitals are built they are either funded by PFi (which I won't rant about) or from central government who tend to borrow to fund such huge schemes. Since income is taken into consideration when loans are agreed, then on paper additional rooms are completely viable.

In many other countries, private rooms are the norm rather than the exception. This is a system that seems to work elsewhere. I think we are very backward in our thinking in saying that ward style accommodation is here permanently.

However what angers me most about this debate though is the argument is the prevailing notion that men = bad. Yes many are, and yes women in those circumstances would be better off without them. But, not all men are bad, and sometimes they can be very beneficial. I think there is an argument to be made that the real thing that needs to change is this attitude and looking to how we can involve men in positive circumstances rather than dismissing them all because of the behaviour of some.

Unfortunately, unless the facilities change, I'm not sure attitudes can change either.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 10/07/2014 15:21

It's a big No from me. I would have liked to have DH there, but I'd have hated having other people's DHs there and suspect they'd have hated having mine (and this was in a hospital where most postnatal care was in 2-bed rooms; goodness only knows what it'd be like on an 8=bed ward).

It's just attempting to paper over the cracks. The problem is that postnatal wards are short-staffed; they need more healthcare assistants, not more random relatives of patients. And it comes from some fantasy universe where everyone having a baby in hospital is in a blissfully happy relationship with someone who treats her with consideration and respect and is having a first baby. A mother deserves to have "all her needs met" on a postnatal ward even if she's married to an abusive arsehole. A mother deserves to have "all her needs met" even if she's just had her second child and her considerate and respectful partner has to stay at home and look after the elder child. Create a culture where it's assumed that partners will stay in hospital and cover basic care and you'll be creating a culture where no professional will take on responsibility for that care.

But I am fascinated by these apparently cost-free zero tolerance policies (maybe they are rotaing the visiting dads on as security enforcement)?

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 10/07/2014 15:23

Yes I did read your post.