OP I’m so so sorry for your losses. I can’t comment on the twin syndrome, but I lost a baby late into second trimester, before I had other children. It was related to sudden placental failure but I had no prior notice (lack of heartbeat identified at growth scan).
I was devastated. I chose not to take full maternity leave instead taking a few weeks bereavement leave (as personally I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts for too long). In hindsight I went back to work too quickly. At the time, I found some of the charity supports (Sands and Child Bereavement UK) brilliant.
I was not yet 30. It was my 3rd miss and we’d been trying to have kids since our mid twenties. I distinctly recall that I hated being called “mum” as…for me…it was my biggest hurt/fear that I may never get to be.
*edited to add - my worry was that I didn’t want that to be my only version of parenthood. I had dreams of a child getting to call me Mum, which was what I desperately wanted. Those telling me I already was…left me feeling angry. As I type this, I know that others don’t feel this way…but I did. I hadn’t gotten to be a ‘mum’ to my baby boy in the way I had pictured or imagined or hoped for. And hence I didn’t want to use those terms. Years later, typing this, my eyes still well with tears as I remember how scared/hurt/angry I was…and how difficult some of the interactions I had with healthcare staff were at the time (some of whom were brilliant).
I’m cautious in saying this…because I know my focus at the time was on trying again as soon as possible. And ultimately, I have been Incredibly lucky and have had two healthy children (as well as several other earlier pregnancy losses, importantly for unrelated reasons)…But…when I look back. I wished more people could have told me to forgive myself. I did nothing wrong. It’s utterly horrendous to be in a very tiny minority of people, whose pregnancies go woefully wrong. But it happens, and it doesn’t mean we are to blame.
In subsequent pregnancies I had higher monitoring…but…I also stay off boards/forums etc. Because…it has changed my perception of pregnancy and parenthood. (Eg on these threads I can manage the conception areas of the site, but not the pregnancy forum with any frequency). I’ve learnt there isn’t a ‘safe’ window and I tend to be cautious, rather than excited, about what could be.
I still feel envious that others have easier experiences…but I think that just means I’m human.
It’s such early days for you and your family. Have you support around you that can help you over the next few days and weeks? Your whole world has shifted on its axis. Is there a hospital bereavement team? perinatal team? Or neonatal psychologist? (I know there may not be!). There is no ‘normal’ way to process the experiences you’ve had to survive over the last week. I’m so so sorry this has happened to you. Please try to show yourself kindness, and give yourself time. It’s ok not to be ok. Sending you massive hugs and hoping you have people who hug/hold you in real life too.