Preg with twin boys, just read book about twins so now fearful about the negatives. Need positive stories please!!

[ShouldKnowByFriday]

Have 3 and 4 year old boy and girl and was hoping for another girl and boy as the twins are non identical so there was a chance they could be. Preferred girl and boy as I thought that would be more balanced all round. Tests revealed two boys so got my head around that. Read book as I thought it would be helpful and I found it quite negative when it talks about safety, own identity issues and also that after identical twins, twin boys are most likely to have behavoural difficulties. Instead of feeling warm and loving when I think about them (am 19wks) or when I feel them moving, I am really filled with dread at what I am in for. I just want the preg to be over with so I can meet them, fall in love with them and have my fears allayed. I am very happy to be preg (it took a long time) but am worried. The book is called 'Twins & Multiple Births' by Dr Carol Cooper and assisted by TAMBA. I don't know if anyone has read this and felt the same as me and if they could recommend something better to read?

I know that twins are tiring, I am all geared up for that but would really like to hear POSITIVE stories of having non identical twin boys please.

Please..............!!!!!!!!!! Thank you.

Thank you everyone for your supportive message. I suppose I have always looked at friends with 2 boys who have complained that they are a handful/competitive/always fight and thought 'thank God I don't have 2 boys'. Now I have 2 boys on the way and I am worried that I am not going to love them. My dd age 4 is desperate for a sister and I feel I have disappointed her (she doesn't know yet) and if I was preg with one of each I feel it would be easier/a better balance. I looked at baby clothes this week from dd and ds and felt really sad that I won't be using dd's clothes. I know thats pathetic but thats how I feel. I can't discuss this with dh but I know he would say 'as long as they are healthy' etc. I also know that I am lucky to have a dd as there are friends of mine who don't and that must be hard for them when they knew they were stopping at 2 and the 2nd was a boy. I just wanted one baby but as a result of fertility treatment am preg with twins which is so much more work and I am just wondering what I have done. I really hope when they are born that I just fall in love with them and tell myself how silly I was to feel this way. Once I had got over the initial shock of boys I got used to it and then read that book 2 weeks ago and the bad feeling started then. Also, I look at my dd and think 'I'll never have another dd like that' and then I feel tearful. I know it's pathetic but that's the way I feel.

Oh, just to add the saga, I was preg with triplets and had a reduction and at the same time a cvs for the other two. The one that was terminated (potassium choloride injected into heart - sorry if TMI - I am not proud of it but didn't want triplets as too many and also a higher risk pregnancy where none survive) had a leaking heart valve which is a marker for down's and I thought that meant a heart op once born. I wasn't thinkign and this was at the point where I was feeling really nauseous and had felt that way just after finding out at 4wks. So now I regret not having cvs for all 3 and then deciding on which to terminate. What if the one I terminated was a girl and had no abnormalities? I know I can't turn back the clock but when I asked my ob he said that he doubted the dr would agree to 2 cvs and that the weaker one would be chosen to reduce. I just wish I had asked the dr in question who did cvs if he would as I really wanted one of each. I know that I could have been preg with 3 boys so I was always going to end up with 2 boys, but I can't help wondering and its getting me down. I am making great efforts to pull myself together. SOrry to go on, I know there are lots of women desperate to be preg, I was one of them and after a year and 9mths of trying to get preg embarked on a fertility programme.

Sorry, but now I have started.... I have always said to friends how I find ds easier than dd and when a friend has been preg with a son after a dd I have told them that I think the mother and son relationship is very special. They have all agreed with me since having a son after a daughter. So when I found out the sex I just thought I would have those feelings again. But dd desperate for a baby sister and I looked at her this morning and tears well up in my eyes and I couldn't go near her in case I cried in front of her. I really hope this feeling goes away because I want to feel positive and happy about this pregnancy.

Hi SKBF, been reading all this thread and want to weep for you, are you sure you might not have a touch of ante-natal depression? Sounds like you've been thru hell with all the decisions you've had to make over this pregnancy. Is there someone your midwife could recommend for you to talk to perhaps. I have been depressed every time I've been preg but no-one has taken it seriously till recently. Also, I have 5 kids incl a set of twins (boy & girl), they are now 9, and I read ALL the boks and thought most of them were crap. Basically, girls have a slight tendancy to be gentler and play with dolls, colouring etc and boys generally tend more to rush about, yell and crash their toys into each other BUT all kids are unique so I'd say stop panicking about anything except the practical stuff. Believe me, you will adore your boys, maybe not immediately, and after the first few months of total chaos and no sleep you'll probably wonder how you could have ever doubted that they were meant to be. I have 3 dd and 2 ds and they are all easy and difficult as the mood takes them. Only real difference I have found so far is boys like more cuddles. As for your dd, don't panic there either, friend had a dd and ds had said would never go near "it" if it was a girl - she now has to fight him off to get a cuddle with her own baby. Take some time to get your own head straight and I bet your dd will be fine. God, sorry everyone to blether on.....finished now! xxx

Thanks Kanda for your kind words. If you read through the fertility threads I was on you wouldn't believe I was the same person. I was desperate for no.3 so persevered, knew that twins was a possiblity so even wished for them but either one of each or 2 girls. 2 boys was last on my list from what friends have said. I did 4 cycles of clomid, reflexology and acupuncture, scans every month and it was a real full time effort. On the last cycle I was injecting myself as the clomid wasn't working and I am 42. So have been through alot to get to this point and now I am dreading the outcome of this pregnancy. One would have been easy to tuck under my arm with two older children, twins is a whole different ball game. When I found out I was preg I didn't mind which sex as I adore both my children and see the worries and the positives in both according to their sex. But 2 boys! I have a maternity nurse booked so won't be having sleepless nights (I know I am very lucky) but I do work as well and will have to employ a nanny for the twins and so somebody else to manage and think about and am feeling this is such a life change. Really thinking hard and asking myself questions. If it was one of each, would that make me feel better about the huge change and then I would feel it is worth it? I think so or maybe I am just completely overwhelmed by twins since reading this bl**dy book. Before reading it I felt everything was under control and that I would take everything in my stride. I read on another thread of a Mum who has just miscarried her dd at 20wks gestation and obviously is devastated. And I do feel lucky. I am worried that if I have these feelings that I will be depressed after the birth and that I won't love them and will even look at them and think 'what have I done?' That would be dreadful more for them than me as all children need good and positive parenting. Anyway I am going on. I don't have a midwife but an obstetrician and he was the one who referred me to a fertility clinic and if I told him what I am feeling I am sure he would want to shoot me!!!!! I just want this pregnancy to be over with so that I can hold them, be overwhelmed with love and hopefully think 'what was I thinking?' While I didn't 'love' my baby in the first few seconds/hours I was blown away by the whole thing really that my body had produced a baby and couldn't quite believe it. I didn't suffer from post natal depression with either and was back on my feet quickly. Just telling you this to say that I haven't suffered depression before but your point about ante natal depression may be right. I wonder how many pregnant mums feel this way? When I collected children from nursery on Thursday which was the start of term other mums said how well I looked and asked how I was. I told a couple of them that I like that I had wondered what I had done. Doesn't sound good does it?

Shouldknow, I haven't read through everything as I'm cooking dinner for my wee ones, but, please try to stop beating yourself up. You've done nothing wrong and have had the reduction because it was the best decision for you and your family and your unborn children. You have so many, many thoughts whirring through your mind just now and it is overwhelming. You are just caught up in all that and need to take stock and let the dust settle.

I think your dd will take her cue from you. You can tell her (if you wish) once you have sorted out your own feelings. Your feelings are very normal and very common. There have been a few threads on MN this week along a similar vein.....its not wrong to feel this way, its fine and it will settle. You are dealing with a lot so expect to feel up and down.

I chatted over names with my dd and it made the twins more real to us and she even began kissing opposite sides of my bump before bed at night and saying to each name that it wasn't time to come out yet and she'd see them "in the summertime".

I have to run but I'm going to shout the girls from our daily thread (the d'you ever wonder.... thread). We have all had different and similar experiences. Do join us there and let us help you through this

Me again, I'm nearly your age and I fell preg with no 5 when ds was just 6 months old. Spent 6 months in total denial (not easy when puking for Britain) and the last 3 on crutches as my back and pelvis had both finally given up. Was totally indifferent to dd until the second she arrived and now even tho it's been really really hard and I'm on the happy pills (oh deep joy) I wouldn't have it any other way and I adore her. Personally I think your obstetrian would need shooting not to be sympathetic but maybe you could have a chat with a friendly GP, I really think you need someone to talk things over with you who won't judge you (apart from us lovely MN lot) Even if you were having one of each you might still be anxious, twins is considered a fairly big deal even tho it's quite common now, and those bl*dy books don't help. Oh, and just because every other bugger tells you how fabulous you look that means jack sht if you're a ball of nerves on the inside. Mind you, better than looking rough I guess! Is your partner supportive of how you're feeling? Oh I just want to hug you x x x

Hello SKBF, congratulations on your twins! Please dont worry, i was in a similar situation to you when i had my dts 8 years ago. Well kind of, they were not planned. I fell prg with triplets, i was going to have a fetal reduction (knew the high risk of prg with 3 and the chance of special care) I lost one at 15 weeks, i did feel bad but knew it was for the best. I had a terrible pregnancy with them and was told they may not survive until i was 22weeks, when suddenly they were given the all clear, They arrived at 29 weeks anyway. It was hard but i just knew it would have been a whole lot worse if i had 3. They made a full recovery and are 8 now.

I went on to have a few more children...well im prg with #6 now!! I only have 1 dd, i always thought she was very hard work like you do. The boys are soooo much easier, but this time dd really, really wanted a sister. It was terrible, she pretty much refused point blank the possibility that this baby could be a boy. I found out at the 20 weeks scan as i couldnt bear the disappointment on her face when i gave birth. It was of course a boy! She did go ballistic, for about 2 hours. I did not know what to do with her (she is 6) but i told her in the end that i was very upset she was upset and she was making me feel very bad for having a little boy. I said i loved all of them the same and she should too. Anyway, she calmed down and has been fantastic since!

She is excited about the baby and looking forward to his arrival, im stunned! She was so anti boy for so long, i got soooo worried about 'damaging' her for life, all nonsence. She is fine and i am very pleased, after all boys are fab, we have just told her she is extra special and will always get her own room and her own toys etc, she was very happy with that!

I hope you dont torture yourself too much. Im sure it will all be ok and i think FWIW that you did the right thing. Im on the multiples thread with FG and Mars, come and find us and we promise to ply you with wine and lemon drizzle cake

Thank you frumpy, kanda and large G & T, its good to know these feelings are normal. Haven't discussed with dh as I don't think he would understand after all it's the mother whose workload is increased not the father. Of coure he will help (and I will employ extra help) but if just one was arriving I would feel less overwhelmed if I was having just one whatever the sex. Large G & T, is your No 6 a boy as well? I can't imagine having 5 and being preg with 6 and feeling soooo nauseous and tired. I hope you are managing. How many weeks are you now? So you do understand as you have been through it with your dd. Pointing out she will always have her own toys, room etc is a good idea. Kanda, how did you manage to spend 3mths on crutches, how did your back and pelvis give up? How debilatating and hard. When I was still preg with 3 before the reduction and saw my ob who asked how I was feeling, I must have been about 8 weeks, I told him I felt nauseous and tired all the time that I go to bed with the room spinning and just close my eyes hoping that I would miscarry by the morning. He was speechless. I felt very negative then because the fertility dr announced at the 5wk scan 'It's not good, its triplets' but my ob said that he would take good care of me and see me through it. From the very beginning I have known it is high risk and then 4 weeks after the reduction felt the pregnancy was safer. There is a risk of miscarriage after a reduction as the remaining 2 can't live with the dead tissue from no.3 and then the whole pregnancy is lost. Anyway, am 20wks today and will have my anomaly scan this Friday. Will see how I feel when I see them and if I melt. I do hope so. Frumpy, my dd is asking when the babies are coming out and I told her when spring arrives and the weather is warmer. I haven't even told dh the sex as a) he would like one of each but if not prefers 2 boys and b) he would tell his entire family which I don't want so told him we shall wait until the birth. Thank you for your kind messages and support. The thread that you all mention, as I am not a mum of twins yet I don't feel 'qualified' to join you as no experience of twins yet.

LargeG&T, how awful your twins arrived at 29wks. How long were they in special care? That's really early.

ShouldKnow - get on the Do you ever thread right now!!! I joined it at 20 weeks when I found out I had twin boys - I broke down in the hospital when I found out I was so devastated. ANyway, you qualify!

I can't stop to talk too much now becuase I'm going out to supper with some friends having just put my two beautiful boys to bed. They're 12 weeks old now and gorgeous, but if I'd been told I'd feel like this last summer I wouldn't have believed it.

And by the way, the boys arrived at 41 weeks, one natural delivery, one assisted breach - my birth story is somewhere on one of the do you ever threads only I can't find it at the moment! It truly doesn't have to be scary!

I have 5 children and one dd only
I have read your thread and do sympathise- empathise ...all of it.
With ds3 I had to have fertility treatment and for a while there was the threat of triplets. DP bought me three tiny pairs of pink socks. It was one baby - it was a boy.He is worshipped adored and tearfully stared at 24/7 by all of us!
I have since gone on to have another boy. I was NOT pleased after 9 months of vomiting to discover another long tail.
He is loved and adored!!! I do grow their hair and dress them in fun colours because that ( pathetic as it is) is one of the things i love about having a girl.
I YEARN daily for another dd and am ttc my final child right now.
Most probab;y it will be a boy - CERTAINLY he will be loved.
Feel free to CAT me SKBF because i do have a lot to say on the matter - please try try not to worry!

Heee, heee notanotter at dressing your boys in bright colours and growing their hair!! DD hair did not grow till she was 3 and was very short for ages (it infuriated her!) The boys all have blonde hair and the last 2 long blonde curly hair (see in memeber profiles the twins and ds#3!)

SKBF, the twins were born early at 29 weeks, 2lb 9 and 2lb 13. They were both poorly and in hosp for 3 months but are fine now! When i brought them home at 4 and a half and 5lb i thought they were huge! I had an infection that got through to one of them. I would have carried them to term otherwise, The last baby was 9lb so no prob with extra weight! This baby #6 is a boy too, sooooo happy about it

You really should join the multiples thread, we have a coulple of mummies who have just given birth to their twins that were with us all the way through! We love it, an excellent excuse to crack open the bubbly when you have your lovely babies

The only other quickie thing is the triplet just reabsorbed in to the placenta, no blood, no issue at all. Hugs to you ))))hugs((((

shouldknow - I have non-id boys and was also quite worried prior to their arrival. They are the most incredibly cute, hilarious boys on the planet. They are now 2 and when I hear them playing together and trying to communicate with each other it brings tears (of joy) to my eyes.

You will be fine - please come on over and join us on the main multiples thread. You will wonder why you didnt when you get over there!

Sending you lots of hugs xxxx

ShouldKnow, just join the twns thread now - of course you're qualified - you're preggie! Little gems from the thread will stay buried in your mind until one day you find yourself thinking "oh yeah someone mentioned this". As for the 3 months on crutches with a crawling tot and 3 school-agers, it was hell from a housework point of view but my eldest dd was my saving grace, not quite 11, she'd come home from school, change the baby, get snacks, get twins to do homework, do her own with tot on her lap, then fetch and carry for me as I made dinner sitting at kitchen table. Quite often would also cart tot upstairs and bath him as well. If I didn't love her so much I'd hire her out! I had SPD (symphasis pubic dysfunction - basically the pelvis bones separate) and I'm better now but not cured by any means. If you don't have it don't waste time thinking about it coz it's nasty! Must go, kids are hungry again hugs xxx

When my twin boys arrived I bawled my eyes out for a week - I had been convinced it was a boy and a girl and I was shattered. The mental image I had of my family was suddenly destroyed (I already had a boy and had just imagined a mixture). Don't you feel half the time you're crying at the disappointment but then crying even harder at what a bad person you are for feeling that way in the first place?
The first few months were wierd, but now, at 3yrs, I can't imagine them any other way and we have such a laugh. They love to wrestle but are so generous with each other and share really well. They are so affectionate too and love cuddles and kisses. However it works out, it will be great.
Lots of love your way xx

SKBF hi, I am currently 20+4 weeks pregnant with twins and have joined the threads. The ladies on there are all really supportive and helpful and as much as other people who are pregnant are supportive these ladies know how special twins are. I must confess though I can not keep up at all. I am torn between my antenatal thread and the multiples thread. I deffo can not keep up with 2 at once. Luckily LGT crosses over as well so there are twin mums/pregnant twin mums on the due May thread.

One of my twins has some problems which meant I may have had to have a reduction and I had an amnio to check for everything else. It was a nightmareish time but you make your decisions based on the info you have at the time and you do what is best for you and your family. You made the right decisions at the time with the info you had. You can do no more.

To be honest twin boys was the last possible outcome on mine and DH wish list but I have read so many positive things on here that I am not bothered anymore what I get. There are positive and negatives with all the possible outcomes I have not found out what they are as I thought I might worry more although everyone I know wants me to find out.

I'm so sorry you were so upset by this silly book, I have to say I had just started reading it also and now have moved on to some of the other suggestions that have been brought up on here. There just seems so little info on twins that you grasp at anything that mentions more than a paragraph on them and that is not always a good thing.

Hope you feel better soon and take care.

Been off line for 3 days but back. Thank you all for your messages of support. Am having 20 week scan on Friday and wonder how I am going to feel when I see them. Even wondering if a mistake has been made and one is a girl.....! SIlly I know. Will report back after scan. Am not on any ante natal threads as I don't really have the time and my concern is how i manage after the birth not during pregnancy except for this 2 boys thing. ANyway, thanks again everyone. A vrey grateful SKBF.

Have just got back from first scan at 14 weeks and there are two little babies in there! As well as a wonderful two-year-old all ready for brothers or sisters! Am open to lots of lovely advice and wondering if anyone else is due to have multiples in July?
Amy

Hi again!

How are you doing? Hope you're OK and that the scan went well.

You may not be the type of person who likes information but I found with my twin pregnancy that more was better - I read every book under the sun, including Ina May Gaskin who is a wonderful american natural birthing midwife and who brings it into perspective. I guess that if you've non identicals you've probably got the lowest risk twin pregnancy that you can have, which is just a bit higher than a singleton pregnancy. I read somewhere that calling it a special needs pregnancy would be more appropriate.

I think also that you really have to stand up for yourself with a twin pregnancy. Towards the end of mine I was having proper discussions with my obs, rather than being told what to do. All of my health professionals respected my opinion and lay person's knowledge which came from reading everything I could lay my hands on, and talking to everyone I knew who has twins (including all the lovely twin mumsnetters!).

I was so scared of being pregnant with twins and what was going to happen after they were born! I'd heard that routine was the way forward so I started at 2 days old. They've been feeding at 11pm, 3ish am, and then 7.30am since about 6 weeks, and 2 days ago dropped the 3ish feed. I've felt human the whole time, I've slept, got DD to school mostly on time , eaten properly and drank about a gallon a day.

I've managed it because I got help every evening during the week for the first three months (my DH used to work in London all week and was only around at weekends). My friends would take shifts to come over every evening and help me with bath and bedtimes, then some would cook me a meal while I MNd, or read a book or got some washing done. They'd cook extra so I could eat the following lunchtime as well, and wash up and tidy the house. I also had a friend who came in to hoover up for me and clean the bathroom every other week. I also had a HomeStart volunteer come in once a week for a couple of hours. I've come through the other side of needing all of that now, and have set up going to Mum's once a month to be fed and watered and babysat for, so I can have a lie in after feeding the boys and generally get looked after.

My boys are just gorgeous. I didn't fall for DD for about 3 months after I had her; I just felt very responsible. The boys hooked me within a couple of weeks and now as they're just starting to smile and laugh, they're just wonderful and I wouldn't have had them any other way. Now I know how special having two children at the same time is.

This is a bit of an outpouring but I really wanted to let you know that I was in the same place when I was pregnant, and now I wouldn't change it for the world! It is hard work, but not half as hard as I imagined.

If you'd like to call me sometime to talk about it all, let me know and I'll give you my email so we can talk on the phone.

Take care!

Thank you DevonDoris for your kind words and the time taken to reassure. My scan went well with no problems not that I was expecting any. I told the doctor how I was feeling and he said that the 3rd one may not have been a girl and secondly he said that had I had 3 cvs which is very invasive and then I would have had to wait two days for the result before having the reduction which would have meant another needle on another occasion which would have increased the risk of miscarriage considerably. He said the safest option had been chosen and asked me how I would have felt if I have had the 3 cvs and miscarried and surely I would have been in greater turmoil than I am today. So I felt better as I had questions and needed to talk it through. Feel better now.

Re: coping, I will have help but want to be really hands on with not only the younger two but also the elder two and of course dh has needs and just want to do my best but also have a moment to put my feet up. Is that possible??!! Maybe when I am expressing milk? I also work although I am self-employed so can decide how much time I take off but with the other two I was working part-time after 3 weeks and it was a real wrench.

Also, since being getting preg my dh's son from his previous marriage has been diagnosed with ADD. He is highly educated (Cambridge), has always done well academically and is the most amusing, talented, handsome young man but finds it difficult to concentrate. So has seen a specialist and has had ADD diagnosed and so I am worrying that Autism is in the same spectrum.

Thanks for offering your phone number. I think I am over the worst and just need to be positive and remember how much I wanted a baby. Please keep in touch.

And it's good to read how exciting you are finding having your twin boys. I think you have to experience it to understand it.

Hello lovely.

I'm so glad you got stuff sorted out today. I think you get more used to the idea as you go along. I obviously didn't have the cvs side of things to think about; so you've had more to cope with there.

I think the coping thing is that you need to be looked after so that you can look after everyone else and actually be hands on. You really need to have your own time as well as being with the children and DH. Even if it's just having a shower without having to listen out for crying. Makes a lot of difference to stress levels. And I know it's easy to say, but try not to worry about what could be wrong until they're out and you've got a reason to. This is going to sound absolutely daft, but I worried about DT2 because he didn't smile until a week after DT1, and then when he did start smiling he looked a bit dopey so I wondered if everything was alright with him. It's really hard not to compare! Obviously he's absolutely fine and if I didn't have two babies at the same time it wouldn't have even crossed my mind.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be going to bed! My mail is [email protected]. Mail me and I'll give you my phone number. Then you've got it if you need it - I found the feelings can go a bit up and down with hormones! And appointments!

xx Doris

Just a quick post to say the baby boys were born 3 weeks ago and I am so over them not being one of each. I was so down about it but they are both gorgeous and I am so happy. That bloody book that I read was really what started all these fears. It said something about prefering one to the other, which I don't, but I did wonder when preg if I would which gave me something else to worry about.

Anyway, with the pregnancy over and hormones trying to get back to normal I am very happy and also feel very lucky.

Thank you for all your advice and the time you have taken to reassure me. It really meant alot.

Awwww congratulations to you all!!!!

Any more info??? names, weights?? (nosey me)

I have twin non-id boys, they are wonderful! I have twin boy/girl twins too...and the girl is much more hard work, i truley truely believe that girls/women know exactly how to wind the boys/men up to a fine art!! they start it young.

I have 6 boys altogether and the 6 of them put together with a whole load of sugar in their systems would still be less work than my 2 girls!!

Let us know how things go..

Happy twin cuddles.x