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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

Original poster

English mum..Bengali/Muslim dad.

162 replies

Halzer · 29/05/2005 14:39

Hi mums...

Anybody out there married to a Bengali or Muslim man?
I soooo need to find women who understand my situation and this is the first mums website that I have found with this sort of catagory.

Anyway....Im am swimming in boredom at the moment
. I got married in 2001 to my bengali b/friend of 8 years. I also converted to Islam.
Now I have a DD aged 2 and a DS, 4 months....but in the process of becoming a wife and mum I lost contact with half of my friends, and the other half "dont get my lifestyle"
My head is spinning with all the pressure from my in-laws.....
Anyone out there in a similar position...?
I would love to chat with ya'll

OP posts:
Original poster
Halzer · 28/03/2006 21:58

Girlchick..
The islamic approach doesnt carry much weight with my bhabi. With her its all ''Im the oldest so what I say goes''. Not with me love.hehehe
Her kids will never get the snip easily . The 8 year old hits and swears at her and even she knows there is no way he will go into a docs room willingly.
Im so glad we dont live in the main family home anymore. Its all gossip and bitching...cant stand it!
The only thing is..being free comes at a price as all my 'back in the day' friends have long gone.
Oh well...lets see what the playgroups around here are likeSmile
Let us know how it goes with your hou-fous.
Oh..I saw the sylheti class ad. Im not really a beginner anymore but if you see and intermiediate courses, let me know pleaseGrin

OP posts:
ChaCha · 28/03/2006 22:43

Salams all,

Have introduced myself before, not sure if anyone has read my posts Blush
I'm not Asian but part Arab, my DH is a convert. Would like to get to know some of you.
Have DS aged 4mth, due to be circumised within the month. x

girlchick · 29/03/2006 09:52

Hi Chacha welcome to MN. Be warned, very addictive. I have a v jealous DH!

Halzer, how come you've lost contact with your old friends since "being free" of the main house? I thought it'd be the other way round.

Just lately, I've been feeling really nostalgic. I don't know what's wrong with me! I wore headscarf until my DS was 6 weeks old (8mths now). I'd worn it for over a year, much to the shock horror of both my family (non-Muslim) and my DH's family ("You'll make us look bad", "You think you're better than us", "You look really horrible in that scarf", etc., etc.) I was tired and grumpy, my DS slept only hourly, and one night I couldn't sleep myself for thinking about not wearing the headscarf and DH said it was all his fault and he'd start praying and give me some support. Well that lasted one day and a week later I took my scarf off for good - the only people who've mentioned it are my family, my work colleagues and friends. My DH's family have not said a word, not even my strict traditional FIL! That goes to show it's all about culture, not religion. So, I'm starting to get nostalgic. Is this a normal thing you think?

fuzzywuzzy · 29/03/2006 12:27

You know it's amusing, when I meet non-muslim women, they think the men in my family have forced me to wear the hijaab...poor little oppressed fuzzywuzzy think they (some even say so)Shock.
The reality is very different though, my husband was shocked when I took my hijaab'd self to india with him, he kept telling me I'd have to wear it permenantly, till I pointed out to him nicely, that ummm I do wear it permenantly!!!!
My in-laws hated me wearing the hijaab too, interestingly not one of my husbands four sisters wore the hijaab, and then my husbands younger sister (who is older than me), started wearing the whole shebang ie hijaab and niqaab, and my in-laws went into a frenzy about how religious their little darling baby daughter was..... I tend to let my in-laws say/do whatever, it's my life and I will live it as best I see fit.
BTW Assalamaualaikum Chacha.

Original poster
Halzer · 29/03/2006 12:42

I used to be religious in the 'sunni' way. I learnt to read Quran and prayed etc.
But recently I have been really studying Quran and I have been reading a good quality 'english' version. I had problems with several conflicting hadith and even with a hadith were the Prophet PBUH told his followers not to write down anything he says except Quran. Then 200 years after his death, the hadith appeared.
DH and I are muslims, we pray, fast etc but the difference is that we are 'Quran alone' muslims as we see that the quran gives evidence why we should only follow the quran alone and follow the prohets revelations of the Quran alone.
With regards to hijab, I will wear a dupatta over my head in the presence of elders etc but although I dress modesty I dont always cover my hair when I am out. To us the Quran says 'Draw your garments over your bosoms, lengthen your garments,'etc. Im sure you are familiar with the surah from which this comes from. I cant remember the number of the top if my head.
Anyway, thats us Smile

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 29/03/2006 12:53

Which translation are you reading Halzer??
The only point of debate with regards the hijaab, is covering the face.
I've always considered it an individuals choice to be honest, but it is written in the Quran. As far as the hadith go, the hadith (at least the 40 authentic hadith), are valuable pointers on following the Quran correctly.

girlchick · 29/03/2006 13:20

Halzer - how did you learn to read Quran? Self-taught? I went to some Arabic classes, but it was for mainly spoken Arabic, not written. My DH & his family aren't interested in teaching me, even though I used to bring my books to their house and ask them all the time. I'm embarrassed that after 3 years I still can't read! As for scarf, I copy my SIL's, whenever they put it on (you know the style, tucked behind the ears, slowly slides back) then I do too. Actually, you know what, I was really religious until I got married, then my DH's family beat me back with culture! Have to go, DS crying

girlchick · 29/03/2006 13:20

Halzer - how did you learn to read Quran? Self-taught? I went to some Arabic classes, but it was for mainly spoken Arabic, not written. My DH & his family aren't interested in teaching me, even though I used to bring my books to their house and ask them all the time. I'm embarrassed that after 3 years I still can't read! As for scarf, I copy my SIL's, whenever they put it on (you know the style, tucked behind the ears, slowly slides back) then I do too. Actually, you know what, I was really religious until I got married, then my DH's family beat me back with culture! Have to go, DS crying

girlchick · 29/03/2006 13:20

oops sorry

Original poster
Halzer · 29/03/2006 13:43

In our view there are many surahs that tell us to follow the Quran alone. Too many to list here and also I dont wish to get into to much religious debate on my personal beliefs. In regards to hijab- no where in the Quran does it state that women should cover their hair. Surah 24:31 and 33:59 are the two that tell women how to cover.
We follow the Quran which the Prophet reavealed only, again we find evidence to do so in the Quran. We do not adhere to hadith...and there is an 'authentic hadith where the Prophet tells people not to write down his sayings apart from Quran anyway, and this was followed until 200 years after his death.
Any way...im not trying to preach or convert anyone here to my way of thinking. We all worship Allah right? Smile
Girlchick, When i was 17 a messhab used to come to my friends house and he taught us arabic reading there, but not the english meaning. Since I had my kids I have been studying Quran and hadith to really 'get to know' my religion.
According to figures on a muslim website, 'Quran alone' muslims are large in numbers after Sunni. shia and Wahabi...
Anyway...thats all my religious chat over.
Lets not get too deep girls Grin

OP posts:
ChaCha · 29/03/2006 15:17

Thanks for the welcome. I've been on MN for years though, mainly in the post natal section now.

Fuzzywuzzy - I couldn't have said it better :)

Al hamdulillah for the na'ama of Islam. It's good to meet fellow Muslimaat here. I practise al hamdullah, as does my DH. We try to concentrate on the inward as much as the outward. And in the words of Rumi I leave you..

Leave all worries behind and make your heart totally pure, like the face of a mirror with no image or design. Once your heart is cleansed of all images, it will contain them all..

halima · 29/03/2006 21:31

You know what is missing from this thread? And that has not been mentioned even though it is at the heart of every Bengali....CURRY!!

Who can cook the perfect curry? I need some tips! This evening for my DH I made a chicken curry with overcooked cauliflower, takka dal (with virtually raw garlic & onion added at the end - not my fault, DS was screaming & I rushed it), served on a bed of soggy basmati rice!

I guess I'm not a natural curry-making machine!

admylin · 30/03/2006 09:13

I am new here, and I wish I was in the UK, am feeling really homesick! My dh is a mixture from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh, he doesn't even know what he feels most like. Do you know that feeling any of you? His parents are from Patna region but as muslims they left India when pakistan was founded but then his dad got sent to east pakistan - now Bangladesh for a government job then the independance came and he stayed in Bangladesh but even now they are the seen as the urdu speaking ones and they had real trouble finding a husband for my SIL because of it. Anyway, we also have 2 kids aged 6 and 7. It is great to find this forum as I am mostly alone all day so I can atleast feel in touch with the world and especially UK!

fuzzywuzzy · 30/03/2006 12:16

halima did you saute the oions first???

I can do an acceptable curry, my best friend (who is bengali) says it was fab, just like her makes it....I'm thinking this was a major compliment.
Chicken is currently not allowed in our house, dp is paranoid about bird flu Sad Am getting fed up with mutton fast.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/03/2006 12:17

just like her mum makes it. Okaaay must do something else as my typing has deteriorated beyond belief.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/03/2006 12:18

Oh and for rice get a rice maker, you'll never have soggy or over dried rice again.....

halima · 31/03/2006 08:02

I asked DH last night for a rice maker, he said it was cheating, but when I promised no more soggy rice, he agreed it was a good idea! Yay!

I did saute the onions and garlic, but not for long enough - I've never been good at that part of dal. Don't know why, DH always said it's dead easy.

I have a nice compromise with DH that's evolved recently - I melt the onions, garlic & ginger & add whatever meat/chicken, then he comes home from work & adds spices & veg. I've been a much happier person since Grin.

Welcome admylin. Which country are you writing from? Where are you, or your parents, from originally? And do you have any nice bhaji recipes? Smile

pinkmagic1 · 31/03/2006 20:04

An Iraqi friend taught me to cook perfect rice. First you fry it in a little oil, then add hot water. Next you simmer it until most of the water has been absorbed, then after adding spices if you wish, you cover the saucepan with tin foil or a plastic bag and weigh the lid down. Turn it down to the lowest heat setting and after 20 minutes you have perfect rice. Tastes much better than when I use my rice steamer.

admylin · 31/03/2006 22:12

Hi, we are living in Germany at the moment, it is really hard work coz of the language and there is no community nearby either british or pakistani or even bangladeshi. Here in germany the "indian" people are considered to be the refugees and the cleaners, my DH is a researcher in science for neurodegeneration but he still gets mistaken for a cleaner sometimes. For that side UK is better because it is accepted that an asian can be the head of department or doctor or surgeon, but here it is really 20 years behind UK. I do mostly bhaji dishes because I don't like meat but if DH doesn't get lamb curry or lamb birijani for a week he gets withdrawl syptoms so I cook about 2 or 3 different things for the table! Any how, I haven't got anything else to do so it is OK!

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 03/04/2006 14:16

Hi everyone

Need some help-I'm a Pakistani Muslim and have a English husband.

In our family we were never taught how to read the Quran (long story) but I always took an interest myself and read it in English.

I want to learn it in Arabic but am too embarrssed to go to the Mosque and also it would not be possible as I spend the day at home by myself with DD and we have no mosques local to us.

How can I learn the Quran at home? Is it possible to self-teach it? Any suggestions will be appreciated!!!

pinkmagic1 · 04/04/2006 13:30

I would imagine you would have to learn the Arabic alphabet which I am sure you could do on the web or by using one of them teach yourself a language courses. It would also be useful to learn Arabic language as well as the alphabet so you can actually understand the meaning of what you are reading. The purest dialect, I believe is that spoken around Saudi Arabia.

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 04/04/2006 13:48

I do already know the alphabet but am not very confident with the general pronounciations.

Which surah in the Quran does it explain about hell and what happens there?

saadia · 04/04/2006 14:19

Salaam whatsthestory... I remember ages ago we bought a disk called Alim which had the Holy Quran written in Arabic and you could hear it read and it was also written out in English script so that might be a way of teaching yourself. There was also a website with the same name and function but I don't know if it's still around.

We also have a copy of the Holy Quran with the Arabic on one side and English transliteration on the other so you could actually read and figure out how it should be pronounced. HTH.

mixed · 05/04/2006 10:32

(wisper, any more (not too religious/Muslim sounding) boys names??? At the moment Danial is the only one on our short list but 2 of DH best friens have called their sons this and our childminder also already has one Daniel....)

fuzzywuzzy · 05/04/2006 10:55

I think SOAS does Arabic classes rangin from basic to advanced...will ask my friend her husband teaches the classes (or at least used to).

Mixed how about;
Adam
Abraham
Isaac
Ishmael
Saul
John
Zachariah
Joseph
any old testament name if you want to be traditional.