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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

English mum..Bengali/Muslim dad.

162 replies

Halzer · 29/05/2005 14:39

Hi mums...

Anybody out there married to a Bengali or Muslim man?
I soooo need to find women who understand my situation and this is the first mums website that I have found with this sort of catagory.

Anyway....Im am swimming in boredom at the moment
. I got married in 2001 to my bengali b/friend of 8 years. I also converted to Islam.
Now I have a DD aged 2 and a DS, 4 months....but in the process of becoming a wife and mum I lost contact with half of my friends, and the other half "dont get my lifestyle"
My head is spinning with all the pressure from my in-laws.....
Anyone out there in a similar position...?
I would love to chat with ya'll

OP posts:
mandieb · 19/03/2006 13:51

www.motherinlawstories.com best site ever .

mandieb · 19/03/2006 13:55

ok how the dickens do you do a blooming link

mixed · 19/03/2006 13:57

No way would I have married dh if DH family was around (in this country).
As mentioned I converted to Islam when getting married, but just for "pretence".
I think it will always be a difficult issue is families believe in different things. Like I was getting more and more "annoyed" when Dh's nephews stayed with us for 2/3 months. I did not really want to avoid pork meat because for me I don't see any reason for it. OK for a weekend or so but 3 months no pork just for someone else believes.....

Kelly1978 · 19/03/2006 14:03

\link{http://www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-lawstories_archive_calendar2006.htm link} for mandieb

Kelly1978 · 19/03/2006 14:03

\link{http://www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-lawstories_archive_calendar2006.htm \here}

Kelly1978 · 19/03/2006 14:04

hmm, i think it doesn't like it for some reason!!

tahira · 19/03/2006 17:26

mixed-here's the huge difference. Someone else was in your home as a guest, did they even know that you'd only converted to get married?? I'm assuming not. It was unfair, but I suppose to maintain the facade you had no choice but to avoid pork.

My in laws KNOW that we have nothing to do with pork, and they don't respect our wishes, in our own home!!!!

Excuse the pun, but I find that to just be pig ignorant!!!

mixed · 19/03/2006 18:58

well, I agreed for dh sake to convert to keep his mum happy. She died 5 years ago. I don't care about what the rest of the family thinks of me.
If you had a non-muslim staying with you for 3 months, eg your in-laws. Would you, as they are your guests, serve them pork meat once in a while???.

girlchick · 19/03/2006 21:19

Try \link{http://www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-lawstoriesarchivecalendar2006.htm\this}

stitch · 19/03/2006 21:38

hmmmmm,
in your own home, you should be able to do what you want, and eat what you want.

girlchick · 19/03/2006 21:59

MY DH is Bengali, I'm English. When I visit ANY of his family, from Newcastle to London, I have to wear salwar kameez and cover my hair. I do this because I respect their wishes and want them to like me. It has been a bit embarrassing though when they've seen me out, and I'm not covered and I'm in jeans and tight top, but no-one says anything (to my face anyhow!). Your in-laws sound so disrespectful, I really feel for you Tahira, I do.

tahira · 19/03/2006 22:42

mixed-i understand where you're coming from but what i'm saying is-do people who come into your household think they're coming into a muslim household or not?

No disrespect, but if they come to your house thinking you're all muslims then i guess you've got to give up the pork so they don't know any different.

No, I would not serve them pork if they stayed with me, but they're fully aware of what they're entering into when they step foot inside my front door. It's a muslim household. there's no pork, full stop.

stitch-yes you should be able to do, eat, say, etc what you want in your own home, but unfortunately things are never so cut and dry. If you have a guest who's staying, you should make allowances if their religion is involved. E.g. if my inlaws know i'm coming round, they shouldn't eat a plate of pork chops in my face like they have done.
If i invite someone into my home and i don't want to respect their religion or beliefs (or i couldn't because it clashed with mine), to be honest, i wouldn't invite them in the 1st place.

I think you should always make allowances for your guests, and if you cant-don't have them round. If my inlaws insist they want to eat pork in their own home (which they have insisted), that's fine, just don't expect me to sit there and watch it!!!It's because of their attitude that I avoid going round there. They wouldn't die for not having eaten pork that day, it's their choice. They could have eaten it when I was gone but their lack of respect for not just my religion, but for me, means that I don't visit them anymore.

All this is just my own opinion-not writing it to offend anyone Wink

mixed · 20/03/2006 07:39

well, on ds party at a soft play they served pork sausages and ham sandwiches (that's the standard at that place) and , allthough I told the serving girl not to offer that to the Muslim people, I let ds and dd eat it.
I suppose your point is a good one. Just make sure people realise I'm not a Muslim, hopefully they won't come and stay with us for 3 months ha-ha.
AS regards respect for me. They know I don't speak their language (well, did go on a course). They still can't be bothered to speak English. On the other hand I have begged them to speak in their own language to ds and dd so that they learn an extra language, however they can't be bothered with that either. I'm talking about family, as well as ALL of DH friends.

stitch · 20/03/2006 09:11

tahira, what you said is really what i meant, but didnt have the time to write it all down.
my inlaws are bengali too. they dont speak to me or the kids in bengali. then say its my fault the kids dont understand the language. dh even thinks its their mother tongue!
hello? im their mother. its not my language, henceits not their mother tongue.
inlaws are annoying gits and should be banned.

girlchick · 20/03/2006 09:42

When my DS was born, my FIL said to me "You must speak to your DS in Bengali only, so that he can learn the language". I replied "How am I going to do that? I can't speak Bengali." He was NOT impressed.

tahira · 20/03/2006 09:49

my parents still speak punjabi infront of my husband and I'm continually reminding them not to. It's easier for them because the language is faster cos they're fluent in it. When they speak in english they can't express themselves so well because they have to think of the right words. I know that some people's partners don't tell their family to speak in english which I think is really unfair. Blame the partners!!!

One good slap should do the trick!!! Grin

It's not fair that you should be excluded!!! Your partners should be making sure they realise what they're doing-maybe they're not aware of it!!!

mixed · 20/03/2006 17:43

trust me,dh is well aware of the language problem, have told him many times about it. I don't mind those people who are really not good in English but like those nephews, they went to english speaking schools and university, have lived in the uk for a while etc. And if english is difficult for them, why can't they speak their language to ds and dd. grrrr

tahira · 20/03/2006 23:13

one good slap for each of them too them-just tell them that's what you thought they asked for in their own language...they'll soon stop speaking bengali around you to prevent getting slapped. Wink

girlchick · 21/03/2006 10:04
Shock
girlchick · 22/03/2006 20:33

Has anyone been to Bangladesh? I went in 2004 - July, very hot! - for 3 weeks with my MIL, grannyIL, SIL & DH, and loved it. Bangladesh is so beautiful. I was treated like a Queen, being the "new" bride and all. People came from far and wide to see the "white lady" in the village. My SIL translated with everyone I met, so felt really involved. My FIL wants us all to go again in January, but am worried bout taking DS who will be 18 months then (am paranoid bout malaria, diarrhoea, the water, heat, etc.). Was wondering what other Mum's experiences have been?

stitch · 23/03/2006 00:23

i went with ds1 aged 9 months in january. loved it.
would love to go back, but with three kids, i dont think dh has the energy to take us.

Kelly1978 · 23/03/2006 07:41

hi girlchick,
Just wondering how your family reacted to the idea of you marrying ur dh and wearing salwaar kameez, etc? My parents hate it if I do anything remotely Indian as they think my dp is 'corrupting' me. Grin They are pretty useless and naive and they had the idea that we would get married and I would go round in a full burka. He's not even muslim anyway, he's hindu!

girlchick · 23/03/2006 08:38

Hi Stitch, how did you find the flight over there with baby? Biman Airlines isn't the nicest of flights, can't imagine doing it wiv a baby! And did you have any probs there with baby like diarrohea/vomiting, drinking water, anything? My DH's nephew went when he was 2 wiv family. He and his cousins went swimming in a pond that a cow had been slaughtered in the day b4, and ended up so sick was first in a clinic for a while having IV hydration then just had to come home. I'm paranoid now coz you can't watch kids all the time, and Anglo-Bengali kids just don't have the same stomach resilience!!!!

Hi Kelly, my family have been brilliant. My Mum has found it the most difficult, my sisters have felt like they've lost a drinking buddy and my Dad, forever the atheist, thought I was bonkers! I'm not particularly keen on wearing salwar kameez unless at a special event so my family don't see me much in it. I made sure I involved my Mum wiv everything I did, so she could understand a bit better Smile

Kelly1978 · 23/03/2006 14:15

you are lucky that your family are so understanding. Smile

Mine are very narrow minded, for example, they think it is wierd that I don't eat beef now, and they think it is cruel I don't let the kids have burgers. My dad is also v athiest and thinks I'm being brain washed. Grin