Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

Original poster

English mum..Bengali/Muslim dad.

162 replies

Halzer · 29/05/2005 14:39

Hi mums...

Anybody out there married to a Bengali or Muslim man?
I soooo need to find women who understand my situation and this is the first mums website that I have found with this sort of catagory.

Anyway....Im am swimming in boredom at the moment
. I got married in 2001 to my bengali b/friend of 8 years. I also converted to Islam.
Now I have a DD aged 2 and a DS, 4 months....but in the process of becoming a wife and mum I lost contact with half of my friends, and the other half "dont get my lifestyle"
My head is spinning with all the pressure from my in-laws.....
Anyone out there in a similar position...?
I would love to chat with ya'll

OP posts:
mixed · 11/03/2006 16:24

Halima, one of the girl's names you mentioned is the name of my dd! Two of the other ones are on our short list now!!!

halima · 13/03/2006 11:12

My DH suggested the name Halima. I wanted to change my middle name, which was Hayley (who uses middle names anyway?) and wanted a Muslim name similar to that. I liked it straight away and made it my first name! My family and old friends still call me by my old name, including DH!

I'm going to add Safiyah to my fave girl's name list, it's so beautiful Smile

tahira · 13/03/2006 11:21

Hi Halima
My husbands name is James and got changed to Jamal. Most people do tend to try and keep a Muslim name similar to the one they already have.
Whereabouts do you live?
How old is your daughter and does she understand what it means that you converted?
I'm worried that if Safiyah spends alot of time with her English family, she'll think it's acceptable to eat pork, drink, etc.
Does anyone else feel that? How can I overcome that without alienating her from her dad's side of the family??

tahira · 13/03/2006 11:23

Halima
Ignore the questions I asked about your daughter!!! For some reason I thought you had an older daughter!!! Ignore me-I'm losing it today!!!

ChaCha · 13/03/2006 13:09

Salam,

Nice to the revivial of this thread :)

I'm part Egyptian and part British, my DH is Welsh. I had a baby boy just over 3 months ago.
MN is definitely addictive, have been on here a few years now.

Look fwd to talking to you all x

ChaCha · 13/03/2006 13:09

Nice 'to see' the revivial ...Blush

mixed · 13/03/2006 20:46

well Tahira, I have the your problem the other way round. Both DH (despite having been brought up in a Muslim country)and I would normally eat pork. However, we have had family staying with us for several onths at the time. How do I explain to ds and dd that they are now suddenly not allowed to eat any pork?

halima · 13/03/2006 22:10

Dear Tahira, the Prophet (saw) asked his followers to treat their parents with kindness and respect even if they were adherents of a religion other than Islam. According to the Qu'ran, the rewards for upholding the ties of kinship and treating relatives well is the same as giving to charity, that's how important it is. By being patient and educating our children as to why we don't drink, smoke, eat pork, etc., we set the highest example to our children. I think it's really important to understand the society we are all living in, and also for others to understand a bit more about Muslims!

Mixed, your pork dilemma! How old are your DS & DD? Perhaps you could try bribery?

halima · 13/03/2006 22:14

Just re-read my message, sorry if I waffled a bit!! Blush

tahira · 14/03/2006 09:17

Halima
Thanks, but what do you do with someone who in the past has said that they will do what they want in their own house???
I agree with what they say in some respects so I just avoid going round there.
I wouldn't have that attitude myself for a guest coming to my house, but what do you do in that situation?

halima · 15/03/2006 10:11

How did your in-laws take your DH conversion? Maybe they're finding it difficult to understand? My Mum has been fantastic, really supportive, but I know that she doesn't agree or understand it. I try to involve her as much as possible with everything I do, especially with my in-laws. My sisters are less understanding. My younger sister, who's due to get married next year, is upset that my children won't be coming to her children's 16th birthday party which will involve "booze and loud rock music". Doesn't matter that her children haven't even been born yet!!!! I just laugh it off, although it doesn't help when I say they won't have a 16th birthday party coz my kids will convert her kids...that starts WW3. I guess it's all patience and comes with time. Do your in-laws live far away or close by? Could they just come to you all the time? Then it's visiting on your terms, not theirs?

tahira · 15/03/2006 11:10

The most important person in my husband's life is his nan who doesn't know about his conversion because when we were going out she said that if he ever did, it would kill her!!! Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely lady, but I think that was really unfair-especially as she got her Jewish husband to convert to Church of England!!!
In the past, she kept trying to get my DH to eat pork and drink when I wasn't there. She would always say: don't worry, I won't tell her!!!
He used to refuse and say that out of respect for me, he wouldn't eat it.
They're the kind of people who continually try to convince me that pigs are nice clean animals-they don't have a clue!!!
My inlaws only come over when we allow them to now.

halima · 16/03/2006 08:50

I'm sorry, you sound like you're having such a tough time. Have a look at \link{http://www.mothersinlawstories.com/mother-in-law_jokes_page.htm\this} it might cheer you up a bit - it's not very halal though!

halima · 16/03/2006 08:53

Sorry got the link wrong, try \link{http://www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-law_jokes_page.htm\again}!

halima · 16/03/2006 08:56

Blush bump

tahira · 16/03/2006 09:18

Thanks Halima
My situation has never been simple. I read how people have the whole family's support and I wish I did. At Xmas we go my DH's family to have dinner and they always have a halal turkey but in other ways they're not very understanding which is unfortunate because the only thing that happens as a result is that we distance ourselves from them.

halima · 16/03/2006 09:35

There's another thread you should look at, about in-laws, \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?reverse=1&topicid=7&threadid=155105&rnd=16581188\here}

halima · 16/03/2006 09:44

That makes me think of a colleague of my DH who's a convert (from Catholicism) and married an Arab man. He wouldn't let her spend Xmas Day with her Mum who was terminally ill with cancer, because it wasn't a Muslim day to celebrate. I'm surprised they're still married!

My little sis invites me for dinner all the time, cept' after a joke she made the other week about "how would I know if the meat was halal or not anyway", I think we had better stick to the veggies next time.

What does your DH think about how you feel and his family feel?

tahira · 16/03/2006 10:09

My DH is not very religious. He actually converted just so that we could get married initially (I know that sounds so bad). Since then, he has taken up an interest himself and I hope it will progress.

He also avoids them because apart from all this, they never make an effort to see their only granddaughter. His attitude is that they're simply not worth it.

elmie · 16/03/2006 12:53

Hi. I am new, just read mess. I am bengali and my partner is white and we have two kids. I got away from all that!!! I could not stand it at home, and cousins visting you to see if you were older enough for marrige YET! What a life. I now just like to vist my brothers and mum, and its lovely -most of the time-

mixed · 16/03/2006 20:49

Elmie, as I'm still hunting for boys names, can I be nosey and ask whether you have any boys, and what their names are.....

halima · 16/03/2006 20:56

My DH and I used to argue all the time about moving in with the in-laws. I said no because of the huge cultural differences, but 3 years on he's still insisting. We have compromised on moving to a house round the corner when 1)it becomes available and 2)when we can afford it! That'll be a few years yet then.

Anyone living with their in-laws? Any cultural problems?

tahira · 16/03/2006 21:25

Halima
we used to have to walk past my in laws house to get to our flat which was in a close. They used to keep their door open waiting to pounce as we walked past!!! In the end we resorted to taking a detour and going round to where people kept their bins so that we wouldn't walk past their house!!!

Living close by would have benefits I suppose, babysitting etc, but I prefer being independent!!!

girlchick · 18/03/2006 23:37

Tahira, have you tried talking to your inlaws? Like sitting them down and saying, look, you're at risk of losing your grandkids unless you're more tolerant?

tahira · 19/03/2006 11:13

Hi girlchick
My MIL is an incredibly volatile person who takes everything the wrong way, e.g. she called the house at 11pm once and my dh asked her not to call so late cos dd was asleep. She flew off the handle and said fine, she wouldn't call at all anymore!!!
Everything we've said in the past, no matter how minor, has turned into a confrontation.
She knows Im going to bring dd up as a muslim but she seems to go out of her way sometimes to give her toy pigs to play with, sing this little piggy etc etc. I know it must sound really petty but she does it all the time!!!
She said to my dd, don't worry, your mum might think pigs are dirty, but we know better!!!
How could I ever trust anyone like that with my kids.
I wrote her a letter at xmas after she threw a huge tantrum at our dd's 1st birthday party!!!
She apologised and we thought things had improved but have ound we're right back to square 1 again. I agree with my husband-they're just not worth it!!! Everytime they come over is just such a chore for us both, we dread it and just want to get it out of the way. I think we've both tried very hard to rectrify the problem but my dh's parents are both miserable and depressed all the time, after every visit they just bring us down aswell. Sad

Swipe left for the next trending thread